Queen Elizabeth
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Sequels are never good as the originals. Queen Elizabeth I has always been better than Queen Elisabeth II, partly because of her cool goth-style black clothing. Or was that Queen Victoria?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Queen Elizabeth
“She Ain't No Human Being”
~ Johnny Rotten on Queen Elizabeth
Queen Elizabeth was the most famed virgin of her time; a reputation which she was eager to erase. This led to her teaming up with three of her ladies in waiting, who all pledged to lose their virginities before coronation night. This mission was later immortalized by the play: Elizabethan Pie. However, while her friends were successful in wooing a choirboy, Lady Stifler's dad and Tara Reid, Elizabeth's hopes were dashed when Sir Walter Raleigh suddenly decided to sail off to an American band camp, where he learned how to fashion a flute out of a potato. Upon his return from the new world, Raleigh was executed.
Another potential suitor was Phillip II, King of Spain. This was Liz's best opportunity for some action, but her interest cooled upon the discovery that Phillip was a gold-digging, dwarf sized slut who only wanted her for her throne. Elizabeth took out her rage on Phillip's fleet of ships, which he had sent to England filled with Cadbury's Roses and Quality Street in order to trick her into marriage. Liz would have only committed light vandalism, but she instead sunk the fleet upon discovering that Phillip hadn't sent any of those purple hazelnut in caramel ones.
By this point, Elizabeth's search for a husband was starting to impinge on her mental health. The public knew that she had the heart and stomach of a man, but Elizabeth had also been collecting male heads, livers and six-packs. Her growing obsession with building her perfect man ended in tragedy when a pile Adam's apples fell on her and crushed her to death.
Little known is the fact that the queen had a mustache all her 10 years of middle school, was arrested 3 times, and is known in the underworld as England's best rapper. She also went through a beret-wearing beatnik period, at which time she grew a beard, wore a soul patch, and played bongos, forcing her ladies in waiting to recite one-word poems.
After her death, and with the intent of immortalizing their Queen's virginity, explorers with pink paint went out all over the world painting countries and large areas of continents pink, which was to have a long-lasting effect on atlases and globes of the Earth. North America was one of these areas. (The people in these pink places were then told that they had been discovered, confusing them completely, as they'd always known they were there, wherever "there" was. But they didn't have history books, so they couldn't prove it.
Elizabeth's father, Henry VIII, burnt Catholics for not being Protestant. Her sister Queen Mary burnt Protestants for not being Catholic. Liz herself burnt Catholics for not being Jewish or Siberian. This basically explains the present British "oh, who cares anyway?" attitude towards religion. All of the religious fanatics soon went off in ships to live in the pink countries. (See Puritans and Fundamentalists but not Fun.)
Also, her Spanish brother-in-law sent a lot of armour-plated ships called the Spanish Armadillo to attack England during her reign, but God was on our side, and they lost out in a big way.
Barmy British Stuff 
