Queensland
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| Motto: "The Smartest State" | |||||
| Anthem: Advance Australia Fair, just like everywhere else in Australia | |||||
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| Capital | BrizVegas | ||||
| Largest city | Brisbane, regarding human population | ||||
| Official languages | 'straylyan mayte! | ||||
| Government | Constitutional monarchy | ||||
| Governor | Anna Blugh | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Powderfinger The Amity Affliction | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | N/A | ||||
| Currency | XXXX beer caps | ||||
| Religion | Footy, XXXX | ||||
“Daylight saving causes cancer”
~ Queenslanders on daylight savings
“Why is Queensland's beer called XXXX?”
~ A New South Welshman on Queensland's Beer
“Because we don't know how to spell beareersre ar fuck, Grog right.”
~ Responding Queenslander on Queensland's Beer
“The cows won't know when to wake up!”
~ North Queensland Bogan on daylight saving. (both real and heard on Mackay radio)
Queensland or "Queersland", often referred to as "The Only State" by some of its residents, is a 'Strayan state known for its ridiculous heat, cane toads, abundance of sporting legends and being Australia's Texas.
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[edit] History
Queensland was created in 1859 when GOD decided He’d had enough rest and really ought to create something that made all the effort worthwhile. But, unfortunately, HE "fucked up big time". Shortly after it was created it was donated to Queen Victoria and called Queen'sland. At the time everybody thought that Victoria didn’t have nearly enough land so she'd be glad that GOD gave her some more. She promptly returned it for store credit.
Queenslanders were the minority group of people to marry their cousins. But unfortunately some of the New South Welsh used to cross the border into the town of Lismore to marry their cousins across the border. Poor poor Kevin Rudd.
Also, at the time, people knew how to use apostrophes. This ancient wisdom has now been lost in the mists of time. Many scholars believe it might be hidden somewhere under the blueprints for the Pyramids. The apostrophe from the State's name has been similarly misplaced.
In 1940 cane toads were brought into Queensland and all of a sudden toads started to marry cousins too. Then a woman, a sick woman, a woman (possibly a male....99.94% chance of "IT" being male) who has hair redder than any ranga in Scotland called Pauline Hanson said the most famous quote in Queensland history which went "Oi Wally, if we can't step on them, we can't eat them so we'll fuck em'" was heard from border to border of the state of Queensland from Cairns down to Lismore a bogan spoke words of wisdom which will unite a state and possibly a couple of territories too. So the new craze began. "We'll fuck em" was the call from every bogan in Queensland!
In 1860 GOD created XXXX beer, which is consumed by every Queenslander from birth - this was done so that he could keep the population in check. To date it has worked quite effectively.
In January 1901 Queen Victoria died and the state found itself past its "Use By Date" (a trend that was to continue). Could it rename itself "Kingsland"? Through an Act of Parliament it was renamed Queersland. At first the state offered itself to Oscar Wilde, but as he was dead Queersland was finally adopted David Beckham as its "Royal Patron." This made it the "partner" of the state of Victoria which had coincidentally been named after Victoria Beckham.
Queensland then became part of Australia. The good thing about this was that it gave the state some other states to compare itself with. Compared with the nature of those other States, Queenslanders realised they would be able to retain a smug air of superiority for all time... with no good reason.
Queensland had the worst education system in the country and the world (rated just below Kazakstan's education system). To compensate for this, they have "The Smart State" written on their number plates, to remind themselves every morning when they wake up. Cities in some of the state don't even have Sunday trading and any mention of daylight saving in the bogan towns of Mackay and Rockhampton will certainly get you shot. Since 1924 Queensland has been partly populated by split pairs of Hobartian twins as part of an experiment to see if ignorant racist Queenslanders are product of nature or nurture. Results suggest the latter.
The era of His Excellence Sir Peter Rabbit (1994-2007) changed much. He declared the 'Socialist Democratic Republic of North Korea Located in Queensland' and spent large amounts on "Pubic Services". Buses and trains in the Socialist Republic are now bright, shiny and frequent, and run on time. Water and Electricity and other socialist state infrastructures are owned by the state. This has infuriated other states, where pubic services and infrastructure has been sold to either Rupert Murdoch or Satan himself (Jacques Chirac), and where citizens must take out mortgages or sell their grandmothers to pay for train and bus fares. Queersland has not "modernised" - it has gone backwards - its familiar direction - into a more "dinky-di, fair-go" society, to the eternal fury of John Howard and George Dubya Bush.
[edit] Legend of Koala Lampur
Recent archaeological evidence shows that the legendary island of Koala Lampur is located somewhere in this state. Most likely location is a strange expense of undersea depression 250km to the east of a little redneck town call Bundaberg. A major depression which forms the town of Rockhampton is believed to have been part of the Koala Lampur land. Though not much is known about this ancient legend, it is known to be a mighty super power in what the Aboriginal people call the "Dream time". It is also the only source of Popeye's spinach that gives the consumer his super strength.
Legend has it that the Imperial Power of Koala Lampur was great and its people happy/prosperous. So good is this place that it drew the attention of the Angry Beaver People of Planet Zoonga. The Angry Beaver People proceeded to declare war on Koala Lampur. The poor inhabitants of this massive earth super power had no chance against a race of Angry Beavers that is technologically 2000 years ahead. Despite the construction of the Death Star, numerous Battlestar Class warships and Popeye Spinach enhanced warriors, The Angry Beaver People were able to easily overcome the hapless Koala Lampurians. Finally, Koala Lampur was sucked out of earth and into the sun. Hence ending the mightiest human civilisation the earth has ever know.
- More details on Koala Lampur
[edit] Politics
The current Prime Monster of 'Strayia, His Lordship Kevin Rudd, comes from Queensland, explaining the incompetency of the Australian Non-Labour Party and is the reason for rising interest rates and kidney thefts. His emphasis on working families suggests paedophilia is acceptable while parents are at work but only at "ABC Childcare Centres" (now defunct).
Like some other states in Oz, Queensland is run by a Premier most of the time, and by Koalas and Emperor Penguins the rest of the time. Some famous Premiers have been:
Peter Beater Pumpkin-eater – Otherwise known as Peter Rabbit except that he fucked Farmer McGregor (Leader of the National Party) rather than eating his carrots. Unlike his cousin, he managed to keep his wife without resorting to the use of vegetable husks. He single-handedly apologised for more fuck-ups than all the previous premiers put together. No-one managed to explain to him that it’s not actually a competition. Peter Beater is a champion of the ordinary worker citizen - he has used his position to actively support, by example, the national culture of "Bludging", and is thus a "top bloke".
Wayne Goose – actually, he’s not that famous come to think of it.
Sir Joh Bjkjkljkjkljjlky-Petersham RSL – somehow became Premier and remained so for 125 years. He is the longest serving Premier in Australian history. He was knighted by Queen Victoria for services to inter-racial relations, having famously said, “I wouldn’t be related to anyone from another race, even if it’s the Olympic 200m butterfly”. He was an amusing sight, striding the corridors of Parliament in his shiny armour, occasionally shouting, "Halt. Who goes there? Don't you worry about that." At the same time he ruled with an iron fist and lead balls over some of the most corrupt politicians in the history of politicians. He was a renowned consumer of brown paper bags, which were subsequently used to pay his workers peanuts. Many of his evil opponents accused him of huffing kittens, however he claimed biblical authority and so that was all right. All this was accomplished despite being born in New Zealand, and speaking only an obscure and untranslatable dialect from South Africa known as "Bore". He was also a homosexual vampire who sucked the blood of virgins to stay alive, and it was thus a constant source of amazement he managed to find any victims in Queersland, especialy the Gold Coast (a little known fact is that he imported his virgins from Sydney). In 1983 Sir Joh seceded the state from Australia sold Queersland to Japan. It was towed north but became entangled in Inodonesian fishing nets and was subsequently returned by Japan as "damaged goods". Oh dear! It was Queen Victoria all over again!
Her Royal Highness, Captain Bligh - current premier. Well known for running around with a hard hat yelling about her water. Thought to have a bladder problem.
Queenslanders are also known for being extremly horny. They have the most prostitutes in Australia and are taught the art of masturbation from an early age.
[edit] Geography
Queensland is a "Land of contrasts". Well, that’s according to all the tourist brochures which are helpfully printed in red, green and blue to illustrate the point. The red symbolises the “Outback” - a "myffic" place filled with nothing but dirt, flies, clothes-lines, trampolines and children’s swing sets. The most famous place in the “Outback” is the Ettamogah Pub where “blokes” say “strewth” a lot and drive “utes”.
The green symbolises the “Rainforest”. This is an experimental forest being developed by scientists from the Queensland University of Coming Up With Big Ideas on Small Budgets (QUCUWBIOSB), in conjunction with the Queensland Government Department of Spending Big Budgets on Mind Numbingly Useless Ideas (QGDOSBBOMNUI). The concept is that a new strain of tree can be genetically engineered to produce precipitation. If enough of these trees can be planted in a small enough space they will become a forest. Anyone who can’t join the dots on that one doesn’t deserve to know what the hell we’re talking about.
Finally, the blue symbolises the “Ocean”. Queensland is the proud owner of approximately 4,000,000,000,000,000,000 kilometres of prime beachfront real estate. This is a private beach, accessible only upon passing a dress code inspection carried out by officious security staff. These staff are recognisable by their headsets with microphones which elevate them to the same level of importance as United Steaks Secret Cervix agents. Just off shore in the “Ocean” is the “Great Reef Barrier” which was built in the 1950s as a barrier to stop the Japanese from reefing the beach away and towing it home with them.
Unfortunately, during the Sir Joe Bjkjkljkjkljjlky-Petersham RSL years, Queenslanders dug out an additional 4.7682 zillion kilometres of canal estates, and consequently much of south-east Queensland is slowly being absorbed by its fantastic surf beaches! The land from the canals was shipped to Japan in 'reparation' for the botched sale of the state by His Royal Minister of Everything, Sir Russ Hinze-Dam.
Queensland also has some mild-natured mountains, usually known by the Austrian term "Hinterland" (as mentioned by Adolph Hitler in his famous "Nasty" speech which began, "Und Rheinlund, und Hinterlund, und Gold Coast, ich bin ein Berliner! Seig Heil und Gesundheit!!")... but they ran out of brown ink so mountains don’t appear in the brochures.
[edit] Capital City
Brisvegas(aka China V2): 2.3 million people; 10 million bongs, lots of goths, too many cats, too many cane toads, and 6 billion designer handbags.
Suburbs: Badna, Bald Willys, Deadbank Plains, Burp'n gary, We Staind, Capalalalblala, Clonetarf, Cockroachdale, Emoggera, Kippa's Ring, Bean Town, Ferny Groove, The Gyp, Gayporn, Whoreporn, In Droopily, Goddamba, Scumcorn, Kingstoned, LMAOrapinta, Toom-bullshit, Toowrong, Vaginia, Zillmeh, KAUBLCHA, CRAPsley, Flashgroove, Chumside, Kidron, stifford
Bogan/Yuppie/Derro filled holes: While Sydney is infamous for its Redfern region Brisbane has quadruple the infamy, Cabullshit (aka Cabbo), Red Hill, D(epression) Bay, Redcliffe, Inala, Riverview and Woodridge! (wait.. thats six. Fuck, we are retarded!)
Random Fact: Ipswichians are glad they don't live in Brisvegas, because it is in fact, the root of all evil.
[edit] Climate
As brochures also tell you, Queensland is “Beautiful one day, perfect the next”. Unfortunately, no-one knows when either of those days will be, so stop calling the Bureau of Meteorology because they have enough work to do already. There is, however, a school of thought that developed somewhere in the other states that argues that that day has been and gone sometime during the Triassic Period. This school of thought is commonly referred to as Fuckwittery.
One advantage of a Queensland summer is the humidity: one doesn't need to drink during summer in Queensland, as all the moisture you could ever need is in the atmosphere. Handy, huh? "Just lick up your own sweat!!" Kinky, huh baby?
[edit] Demographices
Queensland is known for its excessive unused and uninhabited land. Most Australians live on the eastern coastline to get away from the brain-dead, alcoholic "cowboys" who seem to never bathe or be able to find civilisation. Queensland's capital is Brisvegas, which plays host to many long nights and annoying hangovers, and is full of very sophisticated people. If you're looking to drown yourself in alcohol, Brisvegas is the place to go. The Government has enforced a 24-hour-7-day-party law, which has resulted in a person to club ratio of 1:3. This means if you live in Brisvegas the building you are currently in is, or will be in the next few days, a nightclub.
Feel free to run around drunk all the time when in Queensland, as the annual Schoolies week comes around the end of the year. The event, held at the Gold Coast, is where recently finished high school teenagers come to drink, have sex, drink and have sex again, on an hourly basis. Of course, no state of Australia could be complete without the Police. You probably see these guys chasing down innocent civilians with blinding concentrations of mace as they are too lazy or stupid to take down the real criminals such as kidnappers, murderers or drug traffickers. And be careful not to Really Piss A Queensland Police Officer Off, or you may find yourself pinned to a building by the officer's patrol car!
So please visit Queersland - "The home of tolerance, (almost) all welcome".
[edit] Language
The language spoken in Queensland is distinctly different to language spoken in the other states of Australia. This language is most commonly known as "Foul". It is also noted that most Queenslanders drop the ends off words, and put odd pauses in others. This results in the transformation of speech such as:
"In the name of the lord, sir, today is possessing of quite a high temperature. Shall we travel to the local publican's premises for a cold alcoholic beverage made from grain?" into... "Jesus fuckin' Crist, is a fuckin' scorcher! Bugger dis, let's 'ead up de local."
Further, Queenslanders often add 'eh?' to the end of sentences, such as the above, "Is a fuckin' scorcher, eh?"
Strangely, this phenomenon is shared with New South Welshmen, the hated enemy of all Queerslanders 'cos of the 'State of Origin' - the annual Thugby match. It's believed is due partially to the heat and partially to indicate to the person they are speaking with that they are finished, are about ready to take another gulp of XXXX (or Tooheys), and now is the opportunity for the other person to speak. A bit like "Over to you" but more stoopid! For this reason they're sometimes as confused as Canadians or Austrians.
A fine literary example of the Queensland language was a romantic erotic novel, aimed at men, penned by a Brisbane resident named Churba Silvertongue, called "I Fucked That Slut From The Pub." His second work was far less developed, "That Slut (Again)".
Queenslanders also often answer their questions with "Yeah nah". For example when asked: "Do you like AFL?" they will reply "Yeah nah"... (long pause) "I'd rather watch me rugby". Or for "Do you like women?" they will reply "Yeah nah"... (long pause) "I'd rather me rugby".
[edit] Gods
Most of Queensland, and especially Northern Queensland, recognises Pauline Hanson (also known as the "Oxley-Moron") as Patron Saint and Divine Ruler for Eternity. Some say it was her strict anti-immigration views that gave her this status, but most Queenslanders agree that it's really that she's a Ranga, not a Foxy Lady.
[edit] "Smart State" Status
Queenslanders usually refer to their state as being the smartest of them all, via number plates. As a consequence, an IQ test must be completed annually in order to live there. If one fails the test (and achieves an IQ of more than 30) that person is expelled from the state and is made to live in That place that could have been a state but didn't wanna, the Northern Territory (also known as "Upper Coomera"). Because Queensland claims the title of being the Smart State, it thinks it is able to lord it over the other states... and New Zealand. An unfortunate aspect of Queensland is that exfernophomenaquintification doesn't work there.
[edit] Women of Queensland
There are 3 types of women in Queensland.
- Bikini models chicks
- Redneck hicks chicks
- Transient chicks - Those that are on Holiday. Mostly from Southern States (Better known as Mexicans)
Either way you are going to get some fornication action. If those are not to your taste, replace the word 'chick' with 'dude' - see David Beckham. In Queensland, it is also traditional for the "fucker" to leave the "fuckee" immediately after copulation... so as not to waste good beer-drinking time.
[edit] Sister State
Queensland is a sister state with South Carolina in America. Like all good sisters should, they try on each other's clothes, play dress-up, and talk about the boys they have crushes on in school. They both fight over the use of Daddy's car on Friday nights, which usually leads to the head of the U.N. flipping a coin to see who can go to the movies with their date.
South Carolina is quite similar to Queensland in the fact that 70% of the population at any given time is under the influence of something, the women are extremely attractive but seem to speak in tongues, and both boast top notch educational systems that manage to achieve 40% literacy.
Since trying to secede from Australia, Queensland has also adopted Austria as its home country. Parents have taken to the spirit of Austria by taking their girls out of school and cellars are now being dug throughout the state so that fathers can get to know their daughters better!
[edit] Oh no....It's Aaron Eckhart?!
On July 22, Viva Pinata is about to hit Australia's coastline. Since Mario Lopez (AKA A.C. Slater) hosted the first party, now the Australian furry artist Bruce Eckhart has hosted over! But Chewincorns can't bowl...even in the Gold Coast for sure. Paulie Pretztail did lie......
[edit] See also
- Is this apart of Canada?
- Neanderthal
- Australopithecus
- Cane Toad
- Bundaberg Rum
- Bundaberg Rum
- Neanderthal
- Is this apart of Queensland?
- Redneck Empire
- Austria
