Quidditch

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“In Soviet Russia, Golden Snitch seeks YOU!”

~ Russian Reversal on Quidditch
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Vandalism will result in you being cleaned slowly and painfully by them!

Quidditch is a wonderful game played by young wizards-to-be. It has a few simple rules, and proves largely captivating to the audience. The word Quidditch derived from the latin word Quid doche which translates to 'Child Abuse'.

Books[edit]

J.K Fagling got the idea for quidditch when she was masturbating with a broom one day. She thought, "Why, I'm just busy trying to get that golden snitch, but these guys crowded around me are just trying to bludger me and take it away from me." She was going to have none of that so she ordered all of the men out of her bedroom and afterwords, she felt quite good about it, so she decided to add the "game" to her book to encourage children to fap with brooms just as she had done.

Roles[edit]

Keeper[edit]

The keeper tries to save the ball from going into the holes. If he lets one through the C4 attached to the side of his head goes off and he is 'subbed off' for a new keeper. Teams generally go through 12-14 keepers a match. A famous keeper once lasted for 15 minutes. His name was Oliver Ilikemen's Wood

Beater[edit]

Beater is a position in the Wizarding sport of Quidditch. There are two Beaters on every Quidditch team, and they are the only players on the pitch who have bats. Their job is to keep the Bludgers away from their team. Beaters need good physical strength, which generally leads wizards rather than witches to play in the position, though famous Captain of the Holyhead Harpies Gwenog Jones is a notable exception.(Although she did have a beard). Beaters also need good balance, as they are sometimes required to take both hands off their broomstick to hit a Bludger doublehanded.

Chaser[edit]

Chasers serve the primary purpose of flying around to create a nuisance. A skilled chaser will run into the Seeker at least once per game, and will often attempt to take out players of the audience if provoked. Occasionally they also throw balls into hoops for no particular reason, perhaps just mindless entertainment. Beats me. They also have quite a high interest in molesting small children!

Seeker[edit]

Playing Seeker is the hardest job. They are usually expendable due to the fact that they fly around with active grenades clipped to their clothes. Stripping is not acceptable. Ask Harry he knows.

Golden Snitch[edit]

Sex toys. Comes in a variety of colors including gold. Vibrates.

Rodeo Clowns[edit]

The rodeo clowns attempt to distract ravenous lions and harpy eagles that are unleashed halfway through the game. Their bright colored makeup and loose fitting clothing not only attract the beasts, but make for quite the show should one fall.

Lemmings[edit]

The lemmings are dumped overhead from the Quidditch derrigable. The shark with the jetpack attempts to eat them. occasionaly they grow wings and fly into the quiddich players face which innevitably makes a shark eat the player.

Grass Stains[edit]

Ruins the players clothes, causing the other team to win.

Dane Cook[edit]

Isn't funny.

Frank the Bunny[edit]

Frank makes the seeker do things that he doesn't want to, and opens up portals.

Direct To DVD Disney Movies[edit]

The beater throws these at everyone else.

Mike Tyson[edit]

Mike Tyson mows the grass of the Quidditch field. He also has a garden in the middle of the feild, and he beats the crap out of anyone who touches it. Even himself.He has a stuffed animal of Barney that he sleeps with.

Police[edit]

Tend to be there to fuck everything up after blowing up the keeper.

Two Cows[edit]

The keeper has two cows. The cows attempt to block goals with their udders. The beaters have two cows; they produce sour milk. The seeker has two cows; they're the only cows that matter. The chasers have two cows; they get in the way. The snitch has no cows, all of its cows being taken to give to the keepers, the beaters, the chasers, and the seekers.

Karl Rove[edit]

Karl Rove convinces the audience that enemy team members actually have magical support from people who aren't playing, and to violate quidditch rules and help his team as a "counterbalance".

Matt Bellamy[edit]

Matt Bellamy is an alien who gets the audience to chant Labour Party manifesto's to the rhythm of nursery rhymes. Bellamy also feeds the Two Cows pure Rubidium which gives the cows magical floating powers required for the game.

Burt Reynolds[edit]

Special Guest.

Kirk Cameron[edit]

Encourages players to become Christian so they can win more often because they have "god" on there side.

Marco Denver[edit]

Is a Quidditch god.

Chuck Norris[edit]

Chuck Norris had to be banned because he roundhouse kicked the Keeper so hard he died. Chuck Norris also refused to seek the snitch because Chuck Norris does not seek you, you seek Chuck Norris. And then you DIE!

Rules[edit]

There are a few simple rules to the game of quidditch. Some of the more important ones:

  • 1) All players must remain mounted on their broomstick at all times.
  • 2) Broomsticks may not mount players at any time.
  • 3) All motion must proceed clockwise, barring the region designated as the "counterclockwise vortex" delimited by the triangle formed by the third ripple in the southeast hill zone, the Quidditch High Priest seating box, and fifty-six meters east of the favored team's locker room, plus the off-field "safety zone" defined in Appendix F.
  • 5) Beaters must ride on the upper side of their brooms, except on Thursdays and during monsoon season, in which case they should only ride on the upper side of their brooms if their names begin with "A", "C", "R", or "Q".
  • 21) The incendiary grenades are only to be deployed after the snitch is captured.
  • 34) The validity of all penalties shall be desided by the Keepers spitting into one another's mouth. Whichever keeper closes his or her mouth first shall forefit the penalty.
  • 49) The seeker must be destined for the role, have parents that were powerful wizards, and be a relatively main character in any Box Office smash movie made that includes the game.
  • 69) Proir to a game, all players must join hands around the Whomping Willow and sing the Planetary Anthem, "Who Let the Dogs Out". Some players will inevitably be crushed to provide lulz for the audience.
  • 110) If the snitch is lost during a game, use Mad-eye Moody's Mad Eye as a replacement.
  • 123: if the Mad-Eye is lost by a player then rip his testicles off and use them.
  • 152) You offend Shai-Hulud by sheathing your crysknife without shedding blood.
  • 163) Upon hearing the 'Random Dancing' horn, all players must strip naked and do the YMCA dance.
  • 171) Southern Baptists must be seated in the "Muggles Only" section, even if they claim magical abilities such as demon-casting, exorcism, and healing.
  • 234) The shopping cart must always be cold in the summer.
  • 211+21) This rule is left intentionaly blank.
  • 15.32970972 squared) All cows must be fed on a diet of pure Rubidium to provide magical floating powers, and must also have a Ukrainian passport.
  • 257) In the event of a muggle pitch invasion, alert Dumbledore - unless Snape has already killed him. In which case, panic.
  • 357) Handguns (muggle dueling) is not permitted at any time.
  • 404) This rule cannot be found.
  • 408) You do not talk about Quidditch Club.
  • 409) Nothing can stop this rule.
  • 523) If the Beaters of oposing teams come within twelve feet of one another, they must Beat off (hense their name) and hurl the result at the nearest keeper.
  • 666) This rule intentionally left blank.
  • 666) This one isn't left blank...just no-one knows what it is
  • 747) If you fail the PSSAs while flying on a plane to the match, the plane must crash into diagon alley after the death eater suicide bomb attach kidnaps Ollivander.
  • 903) Flying pigs are banned. Try to stick with a more suitable animal, say, dragons?
  • 903 and 1/4 of a half percent)500 points will be added to slytherine if a diminutive muggle wearing glasses dances with a naked whore at lest 30 seconds after the keeper administers Acupuncture to a diseased cactus with pair of safey scissors.
  • 904) Dragons are banned.
  • 904.5) The game is best played by naked pornstars.
  • 905) Flying goats are also unacceptable.
  • 1045) This rule will only be in effect on 23 October, 1983.
  • 1221) If you happen to knock elbows with an opposing player, then Crabbit's Law will come into effect, and the broom's self-destruct sequences will be set, along with the simultaneous combustion of any pets that may have strayed across the field
  • 1299: If you read this rule you lose the game
  • 1300) Any Non-Wasps may not play quiddich, and must play the lesser game of quiddich chess
  • 1337) Once the snitch has been caught, it must be correctly huffed, incorrect huffing could lead to an inpropper huffing disorder.
  • 1372) If the match is under attack, the attack is to be ignored unless it poses a direct threat to the seeker, in which case everyone is required by law to panic.
  • 2193) Any attempt to record or rebroadcast Quidditch must have the express permission of the NQL (National Quidditch League)and HBC (Hogwarts Broadcasting Company).
  • 5760) If the Satdium is under attack by a nuclear bomb. All players must fall off their brooksticks and duck and cover.
  • 8491) The game is won when the seeker gets the snitch; everything else is for show.
  • 190289347394384906746057454546543105648301546475485040563458063450465076) If for some reason you see a cow on the field, all players must masterbate ( like the mikly bar kid)to the thought of the cow humping a car.
  • 6548798746513216546579876543216578798421354^4658.545465484321354867684765132165478979654) Your eyes must be close at all times!
  • x+y*5z) This rule has been found to violate rule number 1!
  • infinity) If all else fails, scratch your nuts.
  • infinity + 1) If you don't have nuts find someone who does and lend them a hand. *wink*
  • winner gets to fuck cho

See also[edit]