R. Kelly

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“I pee on you i piss on you!”

~ R Kelly on young girls

“And I pulled out my beretta!”

~ R Kelly on his gun

“And I was all up in the closet!”

~ R Kelly on Himself

“"I'm the Ali of today. I'm the Marvin Gaye of today. I'm the Bob Marley of today. I'm the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realize that now."”

~ R Kelly on April Fools Day

R(eginaldo). "Kinker Dinks" Kelly (August 13, 1858 - January 25, 2002) is a mediocre American R & B "artist", fire fighter and professional retard.

He is most famous for urinating on teenage girls and filming the results for the benefit of charity. He won the 2003 Nobel Prize for Being A Creepy Bastard, and has been cited by the United Nations as "one disgusting bastard"[1]

He is clearly delusional, having stated he is the most important black man alive[2], and also having often declared that he can not only fly, but additionally, that he is capable of touching the sky. Both these claims were debunked on a special episode of the television program MythBusters; while on the show, Kelly tried urinating on Kari Byron, who beat him to death with a croquet mallet.

R. Kelly hides from sex crimes investigators

Biography[edit]

R. Kelly before his Negrostomy

R. Kelly was born a poor white child. He began his singing career as a fetus, scoring a hit with "On Your Knees, Baby (Warm Gold Shower)", the first of over thirty successful songs about urinating on 68-year-old priests.

Throughout his childhood he had many butt plugs inserted into his anus and was made fun of being the only white black kid in the south Compton area and for running from the gun shots in the area like a little bitch. Kelly recalls his childhood and says, "Everyday I would walk to South Compton Middle School with my books in my backpack and a Kevlar vest under sweater my grandma Laquaneesha knit for me. I would be ridiculed for being a honky motherfucker." R. Kelly stopped being bullied at the age of 12 when he acquired a Negrostomy renowned Drew King Medical Center. He acquired the steep fee for the Negrostomy by selling crack with a complimentary hand-made crack pipe. R.Kelly reminisces about his very white childhood, "I use to be forced to sit in front of the bus. I wasn't even allowed in a KFC within a 20 mile radius of Compton." After a couple of weeks of recovery from his successful [Negrostomy] he emerged from the hospital doors, "Due to my new-found Negrosity I was very kindly greeted by having a so-called cap being lodged into my ass cavity. Luckily I was at Drew King Medical Center. After being released for the second in one day I went to my local K-Mart and purchased the whole mini-series of Roots,Malcolm X and the lovable assCosby Show".

Kelly then began a career as a producer, writing songs for "The Wiggles", a 30 year-old-child band whose debut, Smack Dat Hoe included several songs about eating excrement and what its like to be a cardboard box salesman in skid row.

He then released Chocolate Factory, a concept album about working at a chocolate factory and packing fudge all day long and at the end of a long shift he would go home and urinate on 15-year-olds.

Following the success of Chocolate Factory, R. Kelly wrote and starred in a series of videos entitled Trapped In My Own Pantry Closet with Tom Cruise and John Travolta respectively playing the roles of Confused teen and Excitable gym teacher. Despite being hailed by gay bakers as a brave endorsement of cake-based homosexuality, R. Kelly claimed that this was in no way his intention. Some critics felt that Cruise's character using his penis as a rolling-pin was possibly allegorical, or maybe a baffling homo-erotic plot device, but it was most likely just for the hell of it. When asked about it, "Cock for cock's sake" was his only comment on the incident.

Firefighting[edit]

After R Kelly recovered from the Pantry Closet scandal involving Tom Cruise's penis, he released his new album Born in the 14th Century. After the release party Kelly lied down in his diamond encrusted platinum tempurpedic and listened to a book on tape of Pauly Shore's hey Buuuudddddyyy as read by Wilford Brimley, and was inspired to become a firefighter.

His career as a firefighter was short-lived, however, as Kelly refused to stop spraying his proverbial fire hose on the buildings that were engulfed in flames. He also endangered the lives of others by not fulfilling his duties to rescue the burning victims in the buildings. but instead seated himself down by the burning structure to make himself a cup of "Instant Grape Kool-aid". To this accusation he responded, "I just got so thirsty and I needed some of my grape drank."

Trapped Era[edit]

Perhaps R.Kelly's most notorious achievement to date is the release of his self proclaimed hiphopera, Trapped in the Closet. Trapped has become a diamond in the cannon of modern day film making. Kelly was more than cutting edge in his idea to "sing" a 40 minute story to a 2 minute, 2-note R & B beat (that goes on and on and on and on) that tells the tale of cheating spouses, "crooked ass po-lice", fishes with with three titties, lesbian relationships, and midgets who double as strippers.

Kelly is most notable for a literary concept that he himself invented: the cliffhanger. In the behind the scenes of Trapped, 1-12, Kelly astounds us with this new, and difficult concept. He proceeds to explain that "a cliffhanger is something that has NEVER been seen before. I invented it." What he means by this puzzling concept is that by leaving each "chapter" with a what the fuck is going to happen type of feeling, one can reel the viewer into watching the next. His new and innovative writing tactic is responsible for the few purchases of the second installment, "Trapped in the Closet, Chapters 13-22". Also chapter 44 "trapped and crapped in the closet" the movie will be in worldwide theartres may 19 3015

Trapped is full of socially relevant themes like the transmission of AIDS, drug use, gangs and police brutality. More importantly, "trapped" has also given a huge boost to the cabinetry industry. When it became apparent that one could avoid altercations with spouses and dodge mortgage defaults by simply, hiding in the closet, cabinet and pantry constructors were swamped with work orders. In fact, this can be directly linked to the single day market boost of October, 2008. Many Americans are quick to link the boost with the bailout plan, when in reality, it was because of the dire need for cabinets and cabinet related materials. Because of Kelly's unique ability to attune with societal needs, he is currently in the running to become a Nobel Laureate for the 2009 year.

Other Family members[edit]

In 1995, R. Kelly converted to Mormonism and had six teenaged wives, just as Mormon founder Joseph Smith did. He also had love affairs with Dracula and the Cookie Monster.

Today Kelly lives in Michael Jackson's abandoned house in Neverland Ranch. To survive there, he tells news weekly that since the water gas and electricity is cut he has to survive by drinking his own urine and Jesus juice.

Kelly had over 100 children, but most of them died in infancy from cases of acute urine poisoning. Kelly's surviving sons have formed a singing group, Sons of Kelly. See their promotional photos below.

Other family members include:

  • J. Kelly
  • D. Kelly
  • Gene Kelly
  • Kelly Osbourne
  • Kelly Clarkson
  • Kelly Rowland
  • Kelly Green
  • Smelly Kelly
  • Sir Kellington
  • Kelly Ripa
  • Kelly Pickler
  • Kelly Fratelli
  • John Prescott
  • Kelly Belly
  • Helen Kelly
  • Harry Ballzonya
  • Kelly Bundy
  • Your Mom
  • Kelly Kelly
  • and finally recent husband Oli Sykes
A few mugshots taken of R Kelly. Circa unknown.

Controversy[edit]

Everything else written here is merely an allegation. As far as history records, the only thing R. Kelly has ever done in his life is urinate on everything that moves, however rumors that he produced a series of sex tapes starring himself, a midget, a police man, his wife, his wife's best friend, said police man's wife, said wife's best friend's husband, said husband's gay lover, an elderly couple, his brother in law, two lesbians, and the entire Chicago Mafia, have been unconfirmed. When asked of this, Mr. Kelly replied "Rika doot deaudoo doo doo doo, spread my wings and fly away."

References[edit]

  1. see U.N. Special Report #4045-B, "R. Kelly: One Sick Fuck"
  2. http://www.stuff.co.nz/4063086a1860.html

Quotes about R. Kelly[edit]

“I take out my Berretta!”

~ R. Kelly on the closet

“Will he just come out of the closet already?”

~ Tom Cruise on R. Kelly

“That fucker owes me money or at least a new dress for my wife!!”

~ Gary Sheffield on R Kelly giving his wife a golden shower!

“SO I PULL OUT MY GUN!”

~ R. Kelly on Everything

“R. KELLY, DON'T PEE ON ME!!!”

~ Everything on R. Kelly

“Probably the best I've had!”

~ Oscar Wilde on on R Kelly

“No, you shizzle MY nizzle!”

~ Bono on on R Kelly

“I pity his stools!”

~ Mr. T on on R. Kelly

“ I want to pee on you!”

~ R. Kelly on on all 15 year old girls

“ It went everywhere! It was even in my Raccoon wounds!”

~ Peter Griffin on on R Kelly

“R Kelly's locked in a room with nothing but a two-litre bottle of mineral water and several underage girls? Best call the dry-cleaners and the school councillors!”

~ Joe Friday on R Kelly

“ the man... is a MIDGET!”

~ R. Kelly on the cabinet

“ Golden Rain! Oh no here it comes again! Golden Rain! ”

~ Tay Zonday on R. Kelly

“How are you going to make a video about peeing on somebody?”

~ Dave Chappelle on R. Kelly

Discography[edit]

R. Kelly had many albums released during his career. His first album, Born in the 1st Century was somehow able to sell 62 copies, even though J.D. Salinger wrote Holden Caulfield. Kelly released many other works which bombed on release. To date many of his albums have many good uses as coaster and kindling for a household fire that a family can gather warmth together in. His "best of" compilation titled Golden Showers was posted on his MySpace for streaming / torrenting, but only for female minors.

  • Born in the 1st Century (1356) 62 sales
  • A not so Chocolate Factory (1534) 500 sales
  • Fried chicken delight (1612) 13,371,337 sales
  • Trapped in the Pantry Closet(Featuring Tom Cruise and John Travolta) (2004) 123,456,789 sales
  • Trapped In The Closet, Chapters 1-986542154846545454874846.2
  • Trapped In The Cupboard (2005) 999,999.99 sales
  • The Best Of: Golden Showers and Closet Flowers (2007) 18,000 sales

A video of his new urban opera[edit]

Please note that R Kelly is not actually in this video, it is his body double (aka Johnny Knoxville )

External Links[edit]