R. Lee Ermey

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Ermey.jpg Stop hand nuvola alternate.svg "Gunnery Sergeant R. Lee Ermey does not like this article!" Stop hand nuvola alternate.svg
What is this article's major malfunction Private Pyle?
Private Pyle, this article is sheeeeeiiittt! Now drop and give me 300 push-ups by rewriting it.
I'm gonna give you three seconds--exactly three fucking seconds--to wipe that disgusting-looking grin off your face, or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you!
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about R. Lee Ermey.

“By the time I'd left drill camp, that guy had had my mother and my daughters.”

“OORAH!!!”

~ R. Lee Ermey, on everything

When R Lee Ermey was born, his father fought in the Korean Conflict while his mother raised him up all by herself. His father named him Richard, but Richard was a momma's boy so his mother renamed him Rachel. Rachel's mother taught him how to do housework, bake pies, be polite and kind to others. By the time Rachel's father got back from the Korean Conflict he noticed that his wife was raising a daughter instead of a son. "What in the seven levels of Hell is going on here and what are you doing to my boy's mind?" His wife answered "I am teaching him how to be kind and respectful to all creatures great and small, so he can grow up and change the world for good." Rachel's father was very upset, he went to visit his son only to notice his son was wearing a dress and having a tea party with his stuffed animals and dolls. "Sit with me father, and have some tea with my Socialite friends" giggled Rachel. "Ah hell no!" yelled Rachel's father, "That boy ain't right in the head! No son of mine is going to grow up to be a sissy!"

Rachel's father would read him books like "The Art of War" and his US Marine combat and field manuals. He took him to a firing range and taught him how to fire a rifle. He taught him how to smoke 3 cigarettes while drinking 5000 proof whiskey,booze, and shit and fart, belch, piss and masturbate, cuss and swear like a real MAN. Rachel had resisted, but then Rachel's father put Rachel into Sgt. Slaughter's US Marine Military Academy until he reached enlisted age for the real US Marine Corps. Rachel decided to use "R" instead for his first name, so that people would not learn of his girlish past. He got out of the Academy and went back home.

After that he was enlisted into the US Marines by the Great Santini, a hellish tough as nails Marine himself.

He once saw Bambi, cried about the deer being shot, so his father cussed him out and reminded him that deer are food and that Disney is a liberal piece of fucking shit dreamed up by liberal hippies such as PETA to force people to eat shit instead of food and that they're also Communist bastards from Russia and China. His father gave him some of that shit, so now R Lee Ermey would know what the hell is really going on in this world, and do some ass kicking himself. His father and R Lee Ermey now kick liberal jackasses where they find them. Congressmen such as Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, and "Up Chuck" Shumer have had to hide since these two had showed up. If you look at Hillary Clinton's fat ass, you'll see a HUGE boot print where GySgt. Ermey has kicked her fat ass. Ermey would later become one of God's bestest freinds.

USMC[edit]

After enlisting in the Marines R. Lee Ermey became a Marine Drill Instructor that has special powers, such as cussing/cursing out new military recruits and treating them like shit. One of these guys had a dirty gun, so he said to him, "What the FUCKING HELL is this SHIT ?! Gimmie 200,000 babies? RIGHT NOW YOU FUCKED UP SHIT !!! Get this shit cleaned up then come BACK here and suck my dick !!!". He has also starred in many movies and TV shows as well, treating the staff as if they're new recruits. He once told Patrick Stewart that his head reminded him of a billiard ball. He even cussed out Dick Cheney because he couldn't shoot straight. He said of him, "What the fuck is that ? My Momma can out shoot you. Gimmie 400,000 bullshits and 200,000 jerk offs and we'll see if you can shoot you motherfucking son of a bitch !" He is a die hard ultra conservative, and very militant, and a manipulative mean son of a bitch and proud of that fact.

The grocery store incidents[edit]

Gunnery Sergeant Ermey bragging about the size of his bazooka after the grocery store incidents.

In his free time, R. Lee Ermey decides to fight vegetarianism and vegans, because he thinks they are secretly Anti-American homosexual commies, so he targets the things that they worship and like the most -- fruit and vegetables. These are mostly found at supermarkets, so R. Lee Ermey declares war on supermarkets, takes fruits hostage and tries to murder them.

Once, while he was in a grocery store, he kidnapped two watermelons. When challenged by security, he called them assholes and motherfuckers, telling them that they'll never catch him. The police had found the murdered watermelons, all shot with M-60 rounds. They also found other produce that he had murdered, a paramilitary campsite, an IV bag and needle dripping with molten lead and several adult magazines with cum stains on them. He had a picture taken afterwards and bragged about the size of his bazooka.

In another supermarket, employees remarked that R. Lee Ermey had told one that he wanted a shitstool so clean that he could eat out of it. He made the employee clean it out with his tongue. R. Lee Ermey overheard the conversation and said, "Is that shit supposed to be funny ?! Gimme 100,000 shits right NOW you fucked up bitches!". Police were called, but he insulted them as well, calling one cop a asshole, the other a shithead. The cops were too dumbfounded to catch the hairy assed bastard, and he escaped again.

Military career[edit]

R. Lee Ermey is a Gunnery Sergeant in the US Marine Corps. After serving in the Marines and fighting in tough-ass wars, he trained recruits for the Vietnam, Gulf War, Afghanistan, and Iraqi wars/conflicts. Nicknamed Gunney by his fellow NCOs, he set the standards that Marine recruits are trained by in the Modern Marine Corps. As a Drill Instructor his job is to tell the recruits how worthless they are, question their sexual orientation, call them a lot of bad names, and push them to their limits until they finally become true Marines or snap and try to murder him like one of the recruits named Private Pyle tried to do to him.

The Private Pyle incident[edit]

Gunnery Sergeant Ermey calling Private Pyle an ass fucking homosexual fat ass, dick sucking, dress wearing, fagoty, fucking shit wad of a whore he is after finding out he was hiding donuts in his footlocker.

Gunnery Sargent Ermey knew that Private Pyle was too fat to join the marine corps, so he ordered a "code red" on Private Pyle after he caught Private Pyle hiding donuts in his footlocker. A "code red" means that other recruits beat the living shit out of him during the night when they are supposed to be asleep, and almost kill him to teach him a lesson in weight control. Previously Ermey had called Private Pyle a raging homosexual and a fat slob pathetic excuse for a human being that is not even worth shit. Ermey gave Pyle a hard time on the obstacle course because Pyle would get out of breath and paused too much. Anyway after the "code red" Private Pyle was reborn and did everything the way that Ermey told him to do. Ermey was impressed until Private Pyle took his rifle and shot Gunnery Sergeant Ermey in the chest 12 times.

Private Pyle was arrested and spent the rest of his life in military prison and is known as "Bitchboy number 34" shared between Bubba and Rastus, the leaders of a prison gang and often trade Private Pyle out as a whore for cigarettes. Ermey died, but when the Grim Reaper appeared to take his soul, Ermey cussed out the Grim Reaper and accused him of being queer and saw his robe and called it a dress and said he was a cross-dresser, and then said "You are the most pathetic excuse for death that I ever saw! Now drop and give me 300 push-ups!" The Grim Reaper then said "I don't want him, the Marines can take him back for all I care." and Ermey was alive again.

We interviewed Private Pyle from the US "Pound in the ass" Leavenworth Prison. We asked him why he shot R. Lee Ermey and he said because Ermey was an asshole who manipulated fellow recruits against him. We asked him how he did it, and he claims he just took his rifle, loaded a magazine, and just fired at R. Lee Ermey and that everyone else hated Ermey as much as he did so nobody tried to stop him. Ermey ended up being tougher than death, so Ermey came back to life because one of his super Drill Instructor powers was a healing factor that healed his wounds.

Ermey does computer tech support[edit]

This doll's major malfunction is that it is not anatomically correct. Well, sheee-it, Private Pyle! Who in his right Goddamn mind makes a doll that is not anatomically correct?

In modern times, Gunnery Sergeant Ermey decided to enter the digital age. He got into tech support and ran it from the firing range of the Marine base he serves on. He used the following slogans:

  • "Tired of your piece of shit Windows Vista PC locking the hell up on you? Well bring it to me and you can shoot the shit out of it with an M-60!"
  • "Are you fucking sick of your shitty laptop giving you a fucking hard time!""Then bring to me so I can call you a retarded pussy because all you had to do is press the fucking start button and then throw it in the air and shoot it with my bazooka!"
  • "Ok so you bought a Mac instead, but now everyone thinks you are a homosexual? Well shit, son, can't say you don't deserve it. Be a real man and bring it here, we gonna use it for target practice."

Ermey was so successful in the tech support business that he took control of Geek Squad and Fire Dog and fired all of their experts and replaced them with 18 year-old Marine recruits instead.

  • "So you're on a Cisco's shit assed Linksys unit? Bring it to me and we'll use it AS ammo and shoot it up Rosie O'Donell's FAT ASS !!!!"
  • "Uncyclopedia fucked up - again ? I'll straighten it out. I'll scrap Wikipedia, and Wikipedia had better not say one damn fucking thing about it."
  • "Someone vandalized Uncyclopedia? Not on my watch! I'll track the motherfucker down and force him to scrub the article with his own toothbrush until it's clean enough for heart surgery. And then I'll do some heart surgery on that queer-ass motherfucker with a motherfucking tea spoon."
  • "Wikipedia better than Uncyclopedia? Like shit! The only thing Wikipedia is good for is to take a shit on. AAAAAHHHH-", as Gunny Sergeant Ermey pulls his pants back up, zips them back up, flushes Wikipedia's shitty remains down the toilet.

Ermey's showbiz career[edit]

Ermey plays a Drill Instructor in many movies, and he always yells at the director and supporting actors. He has his own cable TV show called "Mail Call" where he travels the world yelling at people and telling them how fucked up they are. He doesn't seem to have any other talents, and if he did his father worked them out of him as a young child until only a Marine Drill Instructor was left for his personality and skill set.

Interview with Michael J. Fox on Ermey's acting ability[edit]

Ermey was in a movie with Michael J. Fox called "The Frightners" about a conman who can see and hear ghosts for real and fakes a Ghostbuster business to get rid of them. Mr. Fox said "Ermey was cast as the ghost of a Drill Instructor who was supposed to give my character good advice on fighting ghosts for real and help me out a bit to hunt down the ghost that was a serial killer killing real live people. Instead Ermey went into a yelling phase and yelled at my character, the ghosts, the director, and everyone else on the set. The director was running behind on the budget and left the yelling in the movie even if it was not part of the script. Ermey decided to attack the other ghosts in the graveyard with machine guns and boxing gloves and even accused my character of being a ghost and threw me into a grave. None of this was in the script and it ruined the plot development of the movie. My character was not given any help and I had to hunt down the serial killer ghost all by myself. Because of Ermey the movie was a bomb and not as good as it could be."

Friendship with God[edit]

Ermey met God back in Nam, and caught God's attention by killing a million Viet Cong soldiers, and have been friends ever since Ermy helped God smite so many unbelievers. After the war God opened up a large retail store as an attempt to take over the world. Ermey being his best friend helped him out, and after long nights thinking of what to name it they finally had an idea. Wallmart. The rest is history..

X Men[edit]

While doing that movie, he cussed out Patrick Stewart, told him to get his sorry ass back to outer space, which is what really happened to Patrick Stewart. When he and his fellow Marines were shooting at Magneto and his piece of shit army, he told Magneto to get fucked, which is why Magneto apparently lost his powers, and the other mutants to lose their powers as well. "You call that a war? My Grandma can out shoot and out power that mutant shit!," Ermey said when Alcatraz was raided.

Ermey visits his sick and dying mother[edit]

Just after R. Lee Ermey returned from shooting "Mail Call" in Saigon he learned that his elderly mother was dying. He caught a redeye flight out of San Diego to New York and took a cab straight to the Mayo Clinic. His mother lay in a darkened room surrounded by IV drip bags and monitors. She looked no larger than a child. Her skin was translucent as eggshell porcelain. A lump came to Ermey's throat -- his dear mother, on death's doorstep, motionless and frail.

Her eyelids fluttered. "...Lee?" she whispered. "Lee...have you come home...have you come home at last to see me, after all of those years that your father took you away from me?" Ermey felt tears welling up in his eyes, but he held them back. "Mom..." he choked. "Mom...drop and give me five hundred push-ups with each arm, you sandbagging slag! Move it! NOW, Mom! No more goldbricking Mom, I'm serious do it now!"

Alien abduction[edit]

Recently, aliens tried to abduct the hellish tough as nails sergeant. That ended up in a fracus as the aliens tried to anal probe him. He punched them out, saying, "You anal probe me ?! What the fucking hell you think this is, a airport security area?! I don't get anal probed you assfuckers!" He later sold the UFO, the punched out aliens to Paramount Pictures, so that they have more material for "fucked up Trek Fans".

When he got abducted by other aliens, they wanted him to train their piece of shit military. He turned them down, saying that, "I have to stay here to train our piece of shit military, since it has allowed morons, assholes and motherfuckers, worse in it! When I'm done here, I'll see what I can do about your situation.". Two of the aliens said "Oh Fuck!" Sgt Ermey heard that and made these idiots lick the ship clean, so clean that he could eat off of the floor, and anywhere else on the ship. He even made those aliens lick out the ship's shitstool so that he can eat out of that as well. He was beamed back down to the set of Mail Call to continue his show, which was rudely interrupted by aliens who like anal probing people as a sex act.

Ermey's kidnaping attempt by the CIA[edit]

In recent years Ermey's toughness and bad ass attitude when it comes to war seemed to threaten the CIA. The CIA planned to Kidnap Ermey before the American public realizes that he is tougher than the CIA. When a convoy of unmarked black SUV's surrounded Ermey's heavily defended compound disaster struck. An RPG sounded off and destroyed an SUV with a Holly Wood style cinimatic effect. The agents fought back with little effect due to the fact they were armed with HK-MP5's and Glocks. Soon the agents stop to reload as Ermey came out of the compound armed with a mini gun and fired an unrelentless hell upon the CIA. Agents were screaming in shitless fear as they retreated in their heavily damaged SUV's or just ran from the compound failing in the process due to the fact that Ermey is armed with a kick ass gun. In the end the CIA retreated and realized that were not dealing with just some ordinary tough war hero but they were dealing with a MARINE!

Ermey quotes[edit]

Ermey has an opinion on a lot of different subjects and often gives people advice whether they want it or not. Here are a random selection of quotes:

  • "Gandhi wasn't a man, he was a big baby. He even wore a diaper. Sure you could say he was a peaceful protester, but the real truth was that he was a 68 pound weakling that couldn't fight back."
  • "Naked pyramids are a form of torture? Are you shitting me? You want to know what real torture is? Give me one of them terrorists, and I'll put his balls in a nutcracker."
  • "Martin Luther King Jr. was killed because he didn't carry a gun. Now if it was me giving civil rights speeches, I'd be packing heat. Any motherfucker trying to shoot me, I'd shoot his ass first."
  • "Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device?! Like hell I'm gonna use that! You want to survive a fight, you don't think with fucking Portals. You think with a badass weapon! Like this rocket launcher!" *notices the Aperture Laboratories logo* "Who the hell replaced my bad boy with this Aperture shit?! Private Pyle, drop and give me OVER 9000! Then go and blow up that fucking Aperture Laboratories! I hear there's cake at the end of it, which is probably the most incentive you'll ever need, you fat fucking slobbery Pillsbury Doughboy!"
  • "What in the hell is up with all of those motherfucking godless hippies trying to protest the Iraqi war? The 1960's have been over for over 40 years, nobody gives a fuck about hippies anymore. Iraq is Vietnam, are you shitting me? I've been to 'Nam and we had higher body counts there. We are falling behind our daily quota of killing in Iraq and we need to catch up, not pull out. The only ones that should have pulled out early are the fathers of these stupid cocksucking motherfucking hippies!"
  • "Oh so you want to burn the US flag, eh? You think doing so makes you a patriot? Wrong answer pinko! You burn my flag and I'll burn your motherfucking ass with my flamethrower." (Sound of a LARGE weapon being cocked)
  • "How did so many people in the US population turn into morons and take up liberalism? I mean we got gun-grabbing, gay marriage supporting, dope using, abortion supporting, environmental fuck-ups taking over the motherfucking Internet with their damn shitty activist web sites, the cocksuckers even took over most of our newspapers and news networks. Not only that but they refuse to serve in the military, and then they think they are military experts and want us to pull the hell out of Iraq right now? If I had my way, I'd bring back the draft and put them in the Marine Corps and then their asses will be mine. You hear that you pieces of shit? You got it easy now, and your rights and freedoms are paid for with the death of many brave soldiers that I personally trained so that you can continue to live your life as complete and total morons and idiots, fuck-ups!"
  • "When I piss, shit, fart, belch, masturbate, toilets say YES SIR and kittens huff YOU!"
  • "When I talk to any Admin, they all say YES SIR! They don't DARE to bitch at ME! EVER!"
  • "The last Admin, 'crat that banned me had to get a new ass! Not even NO ONE banns MY ass! Is that clear?! I don't hear YOU!" *All Admins say, "YES SIR!"*
  • "In Soviet Russia - There is no more Soviet Russia. Thanks to me and my Marines destroying their economy and causing their collapse." - Ermey on Soviet Russian Reversal jokes
  • "Al Gore and John Kerry lost to George W. Bush thanks to their chickenshit opinions on war, and plans to treat terrorists with kid-gloves and just pull our troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan and let the terrorists take them over."
  • "Obama bin Laden wants to be Prez. and pull our troops out of this war?! FUCK THAT SHIT!!!! The only thing that should've pulled out is his father!"
  • "DIE YOU MOTHERFUCKING COMMIES!!"
  • "That was daaaaaaamn shity!" "Noone had the fuckin balls to give the platoon my orders!"
  • "In war liberals are the first to die like the cowards they are!"
  • "It is a fuckin damn shame that Obama believes in commi ideals, but to be secretly a fuckin terrorist whose only combat tactic is to strap C4 on themselves and run out in to a crowd and scream out allah while blowing themselves up like a fuckin coward is UNACCEPTABLE!"
  • "Liberal- A fuckin commi who can't fuckin take care of themself worth a damn and is a cowardsome pussy when it comes to war!"
  • "An enviromentalist is nothing but a damn weenie! Why do you think <insert name here> calls them greenie-weenies? Because that's what those crybabies are!"
  • "Private Pyle, stop fucking vandalising Uncyclopedia and go tongue-wash the latrines!! Then remove that damn {{Username}} tag that the last editor put in my quote!"
  • "Pyle!, did you just ask me if I wanted another 12 rounds in my chest?"
  • "Well bring it on you mother fuckin fagoty son of a bitch of a whore who can't stop being bubba's bitch in the showers, because I'll come back as death and reap the hell out of your fuckin ass and with be beggin to go back to being bubba's bitch!"
  • "Obama is now President?! FUCK THAT FUCKING SHIT!!!!!! <insert name here> Agrees with ME!", Sgt. Ermey said as he kicked in his TV."DAMN! Now I have to get a new Idiot Box! Shit!"
  • Batman is a big pansy, if he had more brains than guts he'd kill half of those idiots in Archam Asylum, like The Joker. I mean seriously, some sissy clown wears makeup and thinks everything he says is funny and uses some kind of smile gas to kill his victims with. Gave me that damn Batgasmask and I'll pump some .50 caliber holes in that clown and you won't be bother from him again. I'd even hunt down that bastard Joe Chill that killed his parents, you don't let shit like that slide especially when some liberal judge let him off with a slap on the wrist. He murdered two innocent people for $100 in the wallet and his mother's pearls. If I was Bruce Wayne as a boy I'd shove a shotgun up Joe Chill's ass and blow the top of his fuckin' head off. Then my parents would be alive, dammit, and I wouldn't have to dress up like a big fat fairy and hang out with teenage sidekicks. Is he a pedo or just gay, I dunno whatever the fuck he is, but I ain't Batman, I'm a hell of a lot better than Batman.

R. Lee Ermey and Uncyclopedia[edit]

  • "Now I'm on here, I want to see those damn fucking Admins shape up or get their fucking asses the fucking hell out! NOW!", R Lee Ermey said when he was told he was on Uncyclopedia. The Admins are pondering this. Poor Admins. He once gave Jimbo Wales a nervous breakdown, then called him a "Fucking Pansy!". He said that if he had his way, Wikimedia will be like the USMC, circa 1940, when recruits took orders, not bitch at the Admins. He is planning on bringing the USMC here to replace those poor, poor, poor, poor Admins, who are scared shitless. One Admin actually shit himself, then Ermey made him "Eat it".
  • Pee Review - "I'm on THAT now. I piss fire and shit acid on new articles, etc. on here."
  • Mr winkler is GAY - Who the fuck is Mr. Winkler? And why did he give a fucking F to some lazy asshole kid for not reading some damn book? I never read any goddamn books when I was in school, BECAUSE I DIDN'T FUCKING HAVE TO! PRIVATE PYLE!
  • Rick Roll - Who the hell started this fad?! Any page with a Rickroll on it, I will personally VFD on the spot! Wait, this page has a link to "HowTo:Rick Roll Somebody"... PPPPRRRRIIIIVVVVAAAATTTTEEEE PPPPYYYYLLLLEEEE!!!
  • This article - Who the hell wrote this?! I never said any of this shit! I'm not even saying what <insert name here> is typing right now!
  • Oh yes I DID say what <insert name here> is typing right now! Private Pyle! Get your shitty Ass in here RIGHT NOW and FIX this fucking shit!
  • "Full Metal Jacket was written by a shitbird who washed out of the Corps. Same's probably true of the dumb sumbitch who wrote this article."

R. Lee Ermey the last of his breed[edit]

After the Neocons lost power, and George W. Bush (who had his ass ran out of town on a rail by faggoty war protesters)was booted out of the office, the US Marines and the entire US military had been disbanded, replaced with The Obama Hippies, drunks, dopeheads, New Agers, idiots and retards, shitheads, other faggoty fuck-ups and other fuck-ups, all as part of El Presidente Obama's "We Need Change" program. Gunnery Sargent R. Lee Ermey was retired and a New System was implemented. Now the old Ermey way of bullying the recruits and calling them names and abusing them is no longer tolerated. That causes too much emotional and psychological distress, and causes soldiers to kill their enemy for revenge. In the new Marines killing and torturing is not allowed. The new dress code is Pink Tutus and ballerina slippers and a leotard or tights in pink. Instead of a rifle, recruits will be trained to wag their fingers and go "tut tut" to the enemy and pacifisticly resist them. All military and Marine bases in the world will send the troops home and never be issued to another country unless the UN and 78% of the Congress approve it, and only after 20 years of red tape will they be allowed to leave the country. The new drill instructors will give orders like "Private Pyle, that is not the correct way to wag your finger, now write me an I'm Sorry letter, pretty please with sugar on top, and try again. Thank you, Private Pyle. Unless you don't want to, and that's alright as well.", according to one faggoty Mccain supporter.

Ermey was labled by sources as "Apeshit that went Bat Fuckin' Insane!"

See Also[edit]

Sources[edit]

  • R. Lee Ermey website - Deleted under "New System" placed by El Presidente Obama
  • Mail Call - Also deleted under "New System" placed by El Presidente Obama
  • R. Lee Ermey's IMDB entry - Deleted under the "New System" placed by El Presidente Obama
  • Full Metal Jacket - Bannned as "Anti-Political Correctness matter: Encouraging the US Citizens to be Patriotic and NOT being Politically Correct."

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