RIT

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A Typical Bearchester Inhabitant
caught on film by a local amateur

Beautiful and always-sunny RIT (Rochester/Bearchester Institute of Technology) is well-known for high bear populations. The school often appears to be deserted, as all of its students are inside, playing League of Legends. There is an underground tunnel system for the inhabitants to avoid the surface world, with its evil and oppressive sun overlord.

Contents

[edit] History

RIT was originally founded in 1305, by William Wallace. It was located in the middle of Rochester, Ireland, until it was relocated to Bearchester, NY. Recently, however, as a result of eminent domain, the school needed to be moved to a nearby area. The architect had recently watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail and decided that a swamp would be the best place. So ignoring popular opinion, he built it on top of a swamp. That college fell over and sank into the swamp, so he built another. That one burned down, fell over and then sank into the swamp. So he built another, and that’s the one that stands today. Most experts agree that the college will sink within several weeks of this writing.

[edit] Layout

A map of RIT's campus. Clearly, RIT == BALLS.

This institution has been designed as a series of wind tunnels, so as to provide a gentle breeze throughout summer, and a face-peeling gust throughout the other three seasons. Although there is a tunnel network underground, it does not unite both sides of campus. There is instead an above-ground “Quarter-Mile” that goes between the two. However, because it is designed to be a moving platform, it always moves in the opposite direction slowly. As a result, it causes the Quarter-Mile to actually be one Bear-Mile, or three regular miles. In addition, looking up is seen as defiant hubris, as well painful, for doing so often creates blinding from the glare off of the snow, or razor wind. Beside that, if one happens to be happy for any reason, smiling is frowned upon on the Quarter-Mile, and frowning on somebody smiling is smiled upon, this etiquette is currently being studied by the professors at the college who majored in "smiley and frownie faces 101"

Originally, the wind tunnels were not nearly as prevalent as they are today. However, as a joint effort between NASA and RIT, the entire campus was turned ninety degrees clockwise. In doing so, they created the infamous wind tunnels, thus increasing heating bills and super-wind-resistant humanoids. Oftentimes you can see the art majors flying because they carry their portfolios on their backs. It is considered sport to be able to hit them from a furlong.

[edit] Staff

RIT has an impressive staff that boasts some of the following geniuses:

[edit] President Dr. William W. Deathstar

The most noticeable trait of Dr. Deathstar is his seemingly unhealthy banjo fetish, and the fact that in almost every picture of him (like the on shown here), he looks like he has Down's Syndrome. Perhaps he will prove to be a worthy successor to Albert Simone. Either way, this man has been known in the past to eat at the SAU Cafeteria what some would call heart attack on a plate. In response to such criticisms, Dr. Deathstar responded "I only eat steak, potatoes, beer, chocolate, and other man foods. My wife calls them beige foods but I don't care." He also can be seen driving his red Toyota Prius around campus, proving that the RIT administration is paid entirely too much for their services.

[edit] Former President Al Simone

President Simone teaching Murderface Dick-tactics.

As well as being a first-rate president, he is a Pirate-Ninja third-class, and taught William Murderface (Murderface Murderface) how to play bass with his dick. He is secretly Buckethead's surrogate father. His only downside - HE ACTUALLY LIKES "THE SENTINEL". Seriously. However, his future plans for the Sentinel include mechanizing it to give it the capability to patrol campus and eliminate all those that oppose it.

[edit] Points of Interest

The Bearchester Insitewt is also home to many landmarks which are considered to be sufficiently interesting to the locals and offensively boring to normies and outsiders. In order to satiate the non-bears, Rochester's Institute of Commerce issues a pamphlet entitled "Bearchester, Un-Bearable? It Could Be Worse, Just Don't Go In Building 70"

[edit] Sentinel Prime

Simoneivar-miguelle III seen inventing explosions and color while riding his Robodactyl 3000

Many soulless meat bags believe that the sentinel is a hunk of sCRAPmetal, their thoughts and opinions are laughably contrived. Johnny-80 Robby Rosie-80 (Sentinel Prime's slave name) grew up enslaved within the trunk of an early Bearchester settler, until that one fateful day...enter Alberto Simoneivar-miguelle III. On Crocktober 25th 1337, Alberto Simoneivar-miguelle III rode in on his Robodactyl 3000 and smoked the sucka with J-80RR-80 in his trunk, effectively ushering in the age of Aquarius.

It was during Bearchester's formal ribbon-cutting ceremony that Al Simone, formerly Alberto Simoneivar-miguelle III, made a blood pact with Sentinel Prime, formerly Johnny-80 Robby Rosie-80. This blood pact would ensure Sentinel Prime's protection from his greatest f0b14: things having to do with the number 80. Consequently hundreds and thousands are his favorite and he entered a deep sleep in front of the SAU, never to be heard from again... or is it?

After Al Simone's defeat by Dr. Banjo-rama [pronounced ban-joar-muh] Deathstar at a game of Banjo Kazooie, Sentinel Prime awoke. Laggy and rusty, Sentinel Prime assesed his surrounding and was pleased to discover that it was past the 1980's, one of his greatest ph34r5. But much to his chagrin, he had become the butt of many Bearchesterian jokes. In dire need of robot food (ph00d) and robot vengeance (quarter mile smiles), Sentinel Prime did the only thing he could do...slowly rotate the infinity sculpture sometimes.

Currently, Bearchestites can complete one of their daily quests for Sentinel Prime by obtaining some ph00d for him from Gracie's. In return, the pious idiots are rewarded with a Fe-male [pronounced fee-male], which is a tiny man made out of iron that Sentinel Prime constructs using pure unadulterated neterwebs; your pure unadulterated neterwebs.

[edit] Sleep Deprivation

RIT is well known for being a difficult school and as a result, their students are often sleep deprived either from putting their work off until the day before a project deadline or from having entirely too much to do in too little time. Many have resorted to stealing their roomates' ADHD medications (Adderall is a favorite among the masses) in order to pull all-nighters and finish their work. The roomates from whom the drug pilferers were stealing have since caught on and can now be seen pedaling their pills from week 5 on throughout the quarter for nearly $10 a pill. Popular methods of consumption include chewing the beads within the XR tablets, snorting, parachuting or taking double or triple doses orally. Adderall addiction is very common on the campus, turning many straight edge students into stoners.

Other methods used for staying awake during these stressful times are energy drinks. Popular are the following: Red Bull, Bawls, Brawndo, Amp, Powerthirst (also contains Anna Kornikova), and Monster. Students can be seen chugging these energy drinks down with a couple no-doz pills and then driving their cars wildly around the campus.

[edit] Female Auctions

The supply of "females" at RIT has recently reached an all time low. This crisis has forced students to take drastic measures. It was decided by the influential Nerd Elite High Council that the remaining "females" must be used to their "full potential". As a result, the dwindling supply of "females" have been herded into a undisclosed location and will soon be auctioned to the most eligible and fit (RIchesT) nerds on campus.

Administration has taken note of this, and plans to do nothing.

[edit] Gracie’s

A typical Gracie's meal

Originally a top-secret robot food production plant and bio-weapons research lab started by Alberto Simonevar-miguelle III. The compound was soon discovered in plain sight, so Alberto Simonevar-miguelle III told everyone it was a cafeteria and named it after his illegitimate daughter Gracie. Gracie was named after her favorite childhood snack, and the compound was named gracite. Gracite is the mineral added to all Gracie's food that gives it its unique texture and delicate flavor blend. It works for any food - chicken nuggets, under-cooked stir-fry - even pizza. It has the unfortunate side effect of Gracie, and once inside your body cannot be eliminated.

Gracie [nau-sea] — noun, plural graciepotomi [gggraaaaalph *splash*]
diarrhea-on-a-stick.

Gracie is a Rochesterianese word which, directly translated, means “flaming small intestine.” Gracie’s is a building in which a food-like substance (ph00d) is served to freshman, or 2nd year + RIT students that are too dumb to switch to an all-debit meal plan.

In order to make it at RIT, you have to be able to take “The Gracie’s Treatment”. “The Gracie’s Treatment” is a technique used to weed out the weak. In order to pass “The Gracie’s Treatment”, you must not die during your first year at RIT. Since freshmen are required to eat at Gracie’s, this proves to be a formidable challenge. There are two ways to pass “The Gracie’s Treatment” the easier way and the harder way. The easier way involves obtaining second year status by having 40 or more credits before the end of your first year at RIT. If you are a freshman with second year status, you no longer have to eat at Gracie’s, and you pass “The Gracie’s Treatment”. The harder way to pass involves eating at Gracie’s for the entire year, resulting in dangerous gracite build-up. Few have attempted this technique and retained enough of their sanity and internal organs to tell the tale.

Note: New technique has been exposed. Get a note from your doctor citing stomach pains and then talk with the health center. This trick has been verified to work. No button combinations or hex hacking necessary!

[edit] Species to Avoid

Although many of RIT's students are very intelligent and personable, there are several groups of people that should be avoided at all costs.


[edit] Larpers

Located in woods and scare the shit out of the 5 almost normal people at RIT trying to smoke a clandestine joint in the woods. Usually wearing some dumb cloak or bull shit like that and screaming bloody murder about spells, dungeons and dragons, many sided dice, why their parents don't love them, and how badass their non-badass fake weapons look. Similar to the GI JOES that also tend to siege the woods. It should be made clear that The Woods and Gazebo are strictly for pot smoking

[edit] Cloakies

This is an artist rendering of a Cloaky, in its natural tunnel habitat.

Cloakies are simply cloak-wearing brethren of the night, all day. Although few in number, their race is powerful and cloak-loving. They are most commonly seen at night, congregating in the darkest corners of the tunnels. It is suspected that they may be vampires, or purveyors of Dungeons and Dragons. It is nigh-impossible to capture their images on film, as they fear both sunlight and non-Cloak-wearing humans.

[edit] Computer Science Nerds

  • On the trail of a CS nerd. C++ writings are on these papers.
    • Correction: These airplanes were made by 5 IT majors. Not one of the people who made them and hung them were in CS.
      • Correction: There was actually 1 CS dude, he's the only one that actually knew how to write C++.
        • Clarification: The CS guy later transferred into IT.
    • Clarification: The papers did actually have C++ written on them by CS majors, but the I Tried students made them into airplanes because they can't code their way out of a wet paper bag.
      • (This last comment was previously removed by some I Tried pussy because he's jealous of CS majors).
    • Clarification: While this was happening the SE majors were out having a good time and laughing at the IT and CS kids
      • Sidenote: A CS major would like to point out to non-RIT people that even though we think SE and IT are mostly failures and we seem to hate each other, we do actually get along, but usually only when we can make fun of art majors.
        • Correction: No, CS majors really hate everyone else. IT sucks, they can grind out code but not program elegantly. Kind of like how your mom can drive, just not as well as a trucker.
    • Clarification: A CE major would like to remind CS, SE, and IT majors that while you bicker and squabble, CEs remain lording over them.
      • Correction: Then the CEs remembered the NSSAs who are too cool for a two letter acronym.
        • Clarification: Everyone knows that NSSAs can't code worth a shit and are nothing but worthless script kiddies, and CEs are just cocky fuckers who think they're way smarter than they really are. Just ask a CS major who has graded their labs and you'll have conclusive proof they're all morons.
        • Admiration: As software engineers, we admire the dedicated CEs who are willing to sacrifice years of their lives to dangerous chemicals in developing the next generation of computer hardware.(<-You dumb fuck, that's MicroE)
    • Final Note: while small in number, an important group to remember are the Computational Mathematics majors (CM) who, while they may go rather unnoticed in the grand-spectrum of inter-major politics will some day be working for the NSA, watching your communications and effortlessly breaking the encryption schemes you designed to keep your boss from ever finding your porn. It is believed one CM major was present for this event.
      • Sidenote: CM's are really stuck on themselves because they're all virgins and vent their sexual frustration through arrogance. Anything they say should be met with extreme skepticism and accusatory masturbation jokes.
        • Addendum: while the previous comment about CM majors was true, the same can be said about the vast majority of RIT students. Especially those who spend their free time editing online encyclopedias.--Like that guy who wrote the last comment.
    • Analysis of the above: You are all failures in the sight of the all-knowing badasses of the ISF department. West Sa-yeed.
      • Additionally Noted: It should be additionally noted that the sight of the ISF department is limited to its 3 members.
    • Amendment: Unlike the rest of the Golisano majors, the Game Development students don't get caught in the bickering and infighting of the other departments, having the best jobs, projects, and skills of the college. However, the GDD crew sends its regards to the rest of the computing majors and hopes their fight to the death is righteous, just, and entertaining to watch.
      • Side Note to Amendment: The GDD Masters degree might be useful, but the BS degree is just that-BS. You are much better off majoring in SE and minoring in GDD.
        • Amendment to the Side Note to the Amendment: It must also be noted that the inferiority of GDD is one of the two things CS and SE people agree upon. The other being the inferiority of IT.
      • Correction to the Amendment: It must also be noted that a layman's comparison would be to major in rock and roll or rapping - both considered to by the general public to be cooler then say a music major - but you have just as much chance of making it in that industry.

Objective Observation: Do not go anywhere near building 70, everyone inside is insane.

[edit] Artfags

Because RIT has a surprisingly good School of Arts and Crafts, artfags can be found all over an otherwise very nerdy campus. They can be found smoking outside of Building 7, in their special dorm habitat where they can draw on the walls, or occupying valuable couch space in Java's (SERIOUSLY WHO THE FUCK SLEEPS IN JAVAS YOU FUCKING PRICKS). They are to be feared, for they are emo, weird, and cut themselves as a defense mechanism. They can be found in the labs late at night at the end of each quarter, having put their projects off until last second. Of special note are the Fine Arts majors, who hate all Design majors, Design majors, who hate Fine Art Majors, Photo majors, who hate everyone, and Fine Art Photo majors, who are a laughingstock to all involved. Other Majors include the School of Film and Animation students (who love everyone), New Media Design students (who love themselves), the Craft Students (who love each other), and 3DDG majors (who love everything). It must also be noted that amongst other majors at RIT exist fake-photo majors, or kids with camera fetishes. Identifying fake-photo majors: check for drool. If there is, kindly redirect them to building 7.

[edit] That Kid

These people can be considered to be art kids since they try too hard to be different. It has been hypothesized that the "That Kid"s are compensating for their deficiencies in both social and personal hygiene skills. The mannerisms of the "That Kid" are used as somewhat of a social crutch to cover up an otherwise disappointingly boring person. At this point, people just walk around wearing hats to get attention and get on this list. What started as a few unique people is now just another trend.

Notable "That Kids"s:
Cape Girl
Rainbow-Haired Guy
Floating ball guy
Cowboy Hat and Leather Jacket Guy('Indi'ana Jones)
Goggles and Beads Guy
Pirate Hat Guy ("Captain Bill")
Commrade Communist
Santa Hat Girl
Eye Patch Girl
Tall ass transvestite that sprints everywhere
Goth Girl ("It's too fucking sunny outside, even when it's raining")
Top Hat Guy
"Free Hugs" Guy
Death Metal Dave
Cat Ear Girl
Otis
Cowjan
The Admiral
RIT Ninja
Rectangle Women
Sailor Hat Girl
Dancing Down the Quarter-Mile Guy
Unicycle Guy
Red Jacket Guy
Segway Guy
Bicycle-Towing-a-Cello Guy
Top hat toting, jean wearing, over coating carrying Abraham Lincoln wannabe idiot
Jesus wearing plaid and shorts
Ginger that never wears a coat or pants, even when it is snowing

[edit] Deafies

An immense number of deaf people, that spawn in the nearby swamp, congregate at RIT. In order to attempt to contain them, RIT created the Nazi Training Institute for Deafies (NTID) to function as a deaf-magnet so they would not interrupt the daily functioning of the university. Unfortunately, this has led to such people (colloquially "Deafies") to organize. Two consequences of this are the elevation of Honking as the official language of RIT, and of the election of a deaf student body president. Beware them, as they congregate in packs, and will use their honking in order to befuddle their prey shortly before devouring it, and leaving its remains strewn about all over where they dine.

After Deafies graduate from the NTID, they get jobs and move out of Rochester (or so we thought). In reality, NTID students work underneath the "tunnels" making RITZ Bits. We would be able to hear their screams if they could talk but...well...

[edit] Kids Who Don't Wear Shoes

Update: There are like 20 people who don't wear shoes; they are everywhere putting their dirty smelly feet on freakin' everything. It is OK to punch these people in the face, if you can call them people. They need the pain: it's like smacking a dog with a newspaper after it shits on the rug. It teaches them a lesson that their parents, who hate them for their weirdness, couldn't figure out how to convey, possibly from drinking so heavily due to the abominations of god they some how produced. Other alternatives include carrying febreeze to shoot them with, which has proved effective in the past as well.

[edit] Hippies

The woods are not only home to the local wildlife, but a rather indiscernible number of students. These students are always hard at work making sure that the trails are clean and free of overgrowth. Be sure to say hi with bright flashlights and sirens during the late night raids when they are working their hardest. Note: most of these kids are found in SoFA(Society of Fat Autistics).

[edit] RITards

4chaaaaaaaan

[edit] The Squidicorn

The Squidicorn makes a public appearance for Squid Day, during finals week

This beautiful creature of the deep has stalked the waters of RIT for over a year now. Residing mostly in the lower levels of the Gleason residence hall, the Squidicorn, or Narsquid, as it has become known to locals, was rediscovered in late 2009 hidden beneath a broken table. The Squidicorn is our master. It manages our appointments. Only the Squidly one may decide when we visit the Dentist. Awrwrwrarwroawrooawroo.

[edit] Crypto-nerdological Sightings

Lance Bass frowns upon those who jizz on iTunes.

There are certain species at the Bearchester Insitoot whose existences are under dispute.

[edit] The Shameless (Seriouslyus Whatthefuckimus)

Last seen in the Wallace Library handing out business cards with his contact information to prospective girlfriends. No one knows where it comes from or where it lives. Many believe it is a nomadic beast that majestically patrols the countryside looking for 'the ladies'. It has been prophesied that if The Shameless ever found a 'ladies' that it would perform its most sacred ancient ritual, then proudly scamper off into the woods, much like a grue. The Bearchester Institute's Historical Society has created a dramatization of what this ancient ritual could be like.

[edit] Deer Kid

At the beginning of time, when the first "Deafies" were rising from the swamp, something strange happened. A Deafie was left without a mate and its short 10-week life cycle was drawing to a close. In a desperate measure, the confused (and horny) creature ran into the woods honking incessantly. The elusive and immortal 'Deer Kid' resulted from the ensuing passion. Visible only at night, 'Deer Kid' emerges from the woods to terrorize helpless students and occasionally to bust some "fresh-ass" moves.

[edit] Sayings

[edit] Female Sayings

  • "The odds are good, but the goods are odd"
  • "I think it's about time I became a lesbian"
  • "Please stop following me, or I'll call public safety"

[edit] Male Sayings

  • "Fe-Male??" "iron-man?"
  • "Women at RIT are like parking spaces: they are either handicapped, taken, or someone JUST pulled out."
  • "It's slim pickin's, and the pickin's is slim"
  • "Going to RIT is like having unprotected sex: You're glad you got in, but sad you came."
  • "I hate this God-forsaken hell-hole."
  • "I Got Laid!!!" (Rarely heard, but necessarily screamed throughout every hallway when such a momentous event does occur)
  • "Single, Attractive, Mentally Stable. Pick 2, the third one is false"
  • Q: "Why did the penis cross the road? A: To get away from RIT"
  • "You mean there's a way I can masturbate without using my hands and it involves a 'vah-jinu'? Preposterous."
  • "Oh god what was I thinking when I came here?!"
  • "There's a ton of women at RIT, just not very many of them"

[edit] Computing

  • "IT just stands for I Tried." -CS majors switching to IT degrees.
  • "MIS stands for Man I Suck." -IT majors switching to MIS degrees.
  • "If you can't hack it, pack it; if you can't pack it, sell it; if you can't sell it, draw it; if you can't draw it, take a picture of it." -Advisors on Art students.
  • "Hack the Planet!!!!!".
  • "Computer Science Majors are masochists".

[edit] Graduates

GM Robot: RIT's Best Student

RIT has graduated some of the best and brightest of the world, including:

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