Ra
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“Isis, Isis, Ra Ra Ra.”
~ King Tut on Ra
“Hail to the Sun God, he sure is a Fun God, Ra, Ra, Ra.”
~ some hippie on Ra
“RRRAAA-WWWRRR!!!”
~ Godzilla on Ra
“Bzzzzzbzzzbzzz”
~ Bees on Ra
Ra is the God of the Rahs, a group of "High Class" Citizens who belive they will one day become as great as him. He is a Big Bird that lives in the sky. He smokes a lot of crack and pretends to pull the Sun around in a yellow tin boat, but he actually enslaved the Sun with the help of Obi-Wan Kenobi and Her Divine Augustness the Queen of Heaven.
Ra invented the H+ ion, which is essential to all human life. However, seeing as Ra is above humans, it was a selfless act that no living being has ever topped (Except for Oscar Wilde).
Ra could also be called the last unknown note on a piano. Unfortunately the note was considered illegal and all pianos with that note were chopped into firewood, thus giving the people a slightly warmer feeling on those warm winter nights.
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[edit] The Enslavery of Ra
Prior to his enslavery, Ra was an understudy for a character in Sesame Street, the popular childrens series. But as Big Bird was immortal, he realised there was no future in the job; and so he resigned in the hope of becoming a film extra. During his perilous search he met Obi-Wan Kenobi, who promised him a bit-part in star wars VI. During the "audition" the great Jedi Master used his Jedi Mind Tricks to enslave him within a cloud, which was kindly provided by Her Divine Augustness the Queen of Heaven. The Sun was pleased with Abo-Wan's work and so payed him in the form of some more girls for him to pimp.
[edit] Ra's Great Inventions
[edit] The Extended Piano Keyboard
Ra's first invention was the note on the piano, which he named after himself. It replaced G## as the 14th note on the piano. He invented this when he found inspiration in himself. The Sun then patented his slaves idea and made a great profit selling them to many of the great composers, including Mozart and Britney Spears.
Unfortuneatly, due to the great profit the sun was making, the sky was fast becoming a world superpower and by 2010 it was 7/8ths as powerful as the USA. By this time Woody Allen, the 44th presedent of the United States of America, was starting to feel rather threatened and so he pushed through an international law to outlaw Ra as a musical note. The sun commented on this, saying "it was good while it lasted".
[edit] The H+ Ion
Ra stumbled upon a way to Ionise water soon after he invented the extended piano keyboard. In doing this he also discovered Alchemy and so it would be illegal for me to tell you how he did it. He is currently working on the H+ Ions succsessor, the H- Ion.
[edit] Less Notable Inventions
- Ra also helped the original Jedi Council in the invention of the Lightsaber.
- He also invented the letter v.
[edit] The Followers of Ra
In recent times a movement has sprung up in the United Kingdom whose followers have deified Ra and worship him and his inventions. Known as the High Church of Rah (or Rahism), it was founded by Sir Theophrastus Rah in 12AD in Oxford University. Preachers of the movement - known as Rahs - quickly spread across the nation, using the British public school system as a basis for its expansion, particularly prominent public schools such as Eton, Harrow, Rugby and Slough. The two Holy Cities of Rah are Oxford and Cambridge, where the High Churches are located within Christ Church and Trinity Colleges respectively.
[edit] Education
To become a Rah, one must have wealthy parents who were also brought up as Rahs. The child will be sent to board at a public school at a young age, where it will learn how to look down on those not as priveleged as it is. It is important that it is a single-sex school, or the air of arrogance and superiority will not be maintained. During this time the young Rah will become rugby player or rower if it is a boy, or it will wear pashmina scarves if it is a girl. Both sexes wear pink to show their status, the girls' pashmina's being pink, while the boys wear pink shirts.
Once their education is complete, Rahs will traditionally congregate at Oxford and Cambridge Universities, where Daddy will ensure they make successful applications. However, recently the great churches have become more selective, so Rahs of lesser origins can now be found at many other British institutions such as Bristol, Warwick and the London Colleges. Once it gets to University, the Rah will spend a year getting very drunk, then become Captain of its College's Rugger Team or Boat Club or go out with one. Rahs learn nothing whilst at University, but spend enough time "hacking" (establishing contacts), so as to have a career waiting for them when they are finished.
The male Rah, now having achieved the status of Hack, will start its career reasonably modestly, but will quickly advance through the ranks by inviting his superiors to all Daddy's parties so they feel superior too. He will no longer wear pink shirts. The female Rah will continue to wear a pink pashmina, will quickly marry a male Rah, and spend the rest of her life going on skiing holidays. With her newly attined title of Trophy Wife, she will give birth to one to three children, ready to become Rahs.
[edit] Spotting a Rah
Rahs are very easy to spot from a young age. The key features are as follows:
- Pink shirt for boys (collar up), pink pashmina for girls
- Windswept hair for boys, well kept blonde hair for girls
- Smart jacket for boys, body warmer for girls
- Trying to put on a lower voice than they have
- Superior Demeanor
- Indifference to the existence non-Rahs
- Excessive spending
- Holidays at either a Sunsail Beach Club or at Neilson Beach Plus resort, then down to Rock once the oiks finish school.
[edit] Ra in Media
Over the years Ra has made several appearances in television such as:
- Regis & Kelly
- The Tonight Show
- Spongebob Squarepants
- Karl Marx 'n' Friends
- Star Trek
- Super Mario Super Show
- Design on a Dime
- Several Radishes
- Yu-Gi-Oh
Ra's even popular with digimon!
- The Olympics
- Man VS. Wild
- Pokémon
- Power Rangers
and much, much, more for only $9.99!
