Racine
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[edit] Racine's mall
[edit] Gangs
Most of Racine's residents are actively involved in gang violence. The most frequent site of this violence is the local landmark, the below-par mall with the gigantic army recruiting center. This is where naïve white kids from Kenosha flock to engage in some Wisconsinised variety of teenage behavior they see on TV. They are perfect victims for the gangs which rule the city.
[edit] Mall attractions
The mall is a major attraction to lure gangbait into the city. The mall includes:
- Three 7-11 locations.
- The only Chick-fil-A location in the state. Chick-fil-A is the premier fine-dining establishment in the city, serving familiar food at a higher par than rival KFC. It is cost-prohibitive for many citizens of the city, with entrées costing as much as $4.99. This Chick-fil-A location has been the site of 58 opposite-gender live-in proposals, an all-time record for any place in the city. It has also hosted one episode of Happy Days and three prank-callers on Divorce Court.
- Cow rides in exchange for two randomly selected plastic cards from your wallet.
- Shelter out back for homeless people during the cold winter.
[edit] Winter
Being a 65% homeless city located on a lake in the Upper Midwest, the population actually decreases 18¾% during the cold winter months from September to early June. The ¾% is actually thought to be scared newer residents fleeing to the comfort of Kenosha and electricity.
[edit] News
[edit] Television
The 12% of Racine residents who have televisions are served by Milwaukee television stations.
[edit] The Racine Wheh-Yo-Booze-At Weekly
The newspaper, the Racine Wheh-Yo-Booze-At Weekly, won an award for Best Nonfiction Publication in or relating to Zimbabwe. The winning piece was an article comparing the three main food sources of the city: fried chicken, plastic toys from the dollar store, and dead cats.
The article concluded, after much debate, that dead cats were the best food source. The article assured us that "the FDA has examined, and the dead cats which litter Racin'izzle's streets are completely safe for human consumption when cooked at 100 degrees Fahrenheit for five minutes." This claim was further backed up by CNN and a very reliable-looking Youtube video.
[edit] Higher Education in Racine
The term "higher education" has drifted into the local dialect of Ebonics as to meaning the mandatory schooling up to 5th grade. The "higher" part originates in the practice of holding class on top of abandoned buildings so that the children will be safe from drive-by shootings. The local government is very proud of its achievements in the Higher Education department, with only 51 student fatalities in the month of March 2009.
[edit] Controversies
[edit] Sex offenders
The system the city takes pride in has been decried as inadequate by nearby communities such as Kenosha and Milwaukee, due to the high ratio of sex offenders employed in the education system. Kwame Kilpatrick, the automatically appointed mayor of Racine, has assured parents that nearly 75% ("that's ½," assures Chaniqua Sanford-Marcal, the Racine Director of Schooling, who graduated from Racine's Higher Education program at an unspecified time in the early 90s) of teachers have no prior sex crimes under their current name. "Thankfully," says Sanford-Marcal, "that number, thanks to our efforts, is be gettin' smaller every day."
[edit] Dropout Rate
The dropout rate among outgoing 5th graders is 67%. This has been a concern for years, but Sanford-Marcal assures the public that "it isn't really that big a deal, y'all, 'cuz almost 50% of 5th graders dropping out can already read. That be a big nummer, bitch!"
[edit] Literacy Rate
The literacy rate in Racine is approximately 40%, according to the America Lurmin' Association. The Higher Education department asserts that at least 50% of fifth graders can read, an all-time high for the city.
"We make damn sure to put all dem Fowth 'nd Fiff gradizzlers that can read into the Advanced Program, which is when they get a pack of ammunition of their choice for each book they read. This be motivatin' lots and lots of little young'uns to learn to read."
[edit] Age restraints
The state has been trying to convince Racine to provide education past 5th Grade ("Fiff Gradizzle" in the local Ebonics dialect). Racine has protested, saying that it "would not be useful," because:
- The basic skills needed to pursue a career in cocaine refining, gang warfare, Racine Ebonics-English translations, welfare living, or cashiering or cooking at Racine's many KFC and 7-11 locations (the most common career paths in the city) are all taught prior to Fiff Gradizzle.
- There are no words in the local dialect of Ebonics for "college," "high school," "intelligence," "potential," "middle school," or any places outside of the city limits.
[edit] Language of Instruction
While English is the official language of Wisconsin, all instruction in Racine occurs in Racine Ebonics, the language of approximately 75,000 of the city's 90,000 population. Furthermore, no instruction in the learning of the English language is taught. The one English-language school in Racine, held on top of the Motel 6 in Uptown, was shot out by the Latin Kings gang, and no effort has been made to reopen it.
[edit] Demographics
The 2000 US Census estimated a population of 91,081. The 25 census takers assigned to the city were all shot while taking the census, except for one, who was actually a double agent with the Latin Kings. He was able to count the number of people in the local gangs which would not have otherwise reported, bringing the population count up 30% from the previous census, while most scholars actually believe the population to have fallen due to increased gang violence.
Of the 120 households and 60,278 housing projects and temporary dwellings, 85% reported speaking Racine Ebonics at home. 11% reported speaking Spanish, 2% reported English, and 2% scrawled graffiti all over the form.
Racially, 85% reported "Black," "African-American," or "BLAAACK PAAAAAANTHERS BEE-OTCH!" while 11% reported Hispanic or Latino of any origin and 2% reported "White," "Caucasian," "Aryan Master Race," "HEIL, HEIL, HEIL," "Country Star," or "Ku Klux Klan-affiliated." 2% scrawled graffiti all over the form.
