Radiohead (movie)

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Conan as 'The Radiohead' from the unsuccessful 1984 remake of the original movie
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Time to get a new camera.


Back in the Golden Age of science fiction movies (the 1950s), the "monster" was often some creature from outer space. This is the case for Radiohead, a cyborg war-machine from Neptune in the 1953 late-night feature Radioheads from Neptune. Radioheads from Neptune was directed by Thom Yorke, who had previously worked on a white chocolate farm. There was also a 1984 remake that spawned a series of sequels and launched the career of the barbarian who later became President, Conan (not to be confused with Arnold Schwarzenegger, who wrote and performed the motion picture soundtrack). Radiohead is perhaps most well known for it's complete obscurity.

Plot[edit]

In the movie, the government calls upon a technological firm (posing as a bear hunting collective), IdioTech, to kill Radiohead. IdioTech's leader, Thom Thumb (considered by many to be a real creep), agrees in return for many dollars & cents. However, all of IdioTech's plans are harmless and fail like a flan in the face. This leaves the only hope for humanity resting in the hands of an unlikely pair: a man only able to express himself in mathematical terms and a young counter-culture girl so disillusioned with society that she styles her hair after a genocidal Austrian dictator.

The two get their knives out and send Radiohead to where bluebirds fly. Or so they think. An airbag saves the creature's life, although Radiohead is badly damaged. At first Radiohead can only sit down, unable to stand up, but it is lucky enough to nurse itself back to health by sucking young blood and eating sardines in a crushd tin box. Soon, everything Radiohead touches turns to (radioactive) stone and when Radiohead does a jigsaw, it always falls into place. Radiohead's CPU was permanently damaged in the attack, causing it to think that 2+2=5, rendering it just an ok computer. After sailing to the moon and back, it causes a drunken punchup at a wedding while the band played a motion picture soundtrack. This kills any sense of optimism.

Soon, the morning bell rings, signaling the Karma Police to come out from their hiding place behind a fake plastic tree and to show their street spirit by stopping Radiohead from climbing up the walls. They eventually defeat Radiohead by destroying its iron lung, causing a blow out and leaving Radiohead high and dry with trans-atlantic drawl. (After the fight, the Karma Police contract three disorders- the bends, myxomatosis, and amnesia). Radiohead, ever the lucky trickster, is able to escape the wolf at the door and escape to its life in a glasshouse on Planet Telex, previously owned by a talk show host who'd had his body snatched and became a vegetable. However, the two heroes then creep up behind Radiohead and pull it into a pulk revolving door, slowly crushing it like spinning plates. They also realize that words are a sawed off shotgun and shoot Radiohead in the face. Radiohead's dying words are, "Bulletproof... I wish I was..." Radiohead finally fades out in limbo, in a scene so sad that many tourists in the audience held meetings in the aisles and cried together as the exit music (for the film) played on.

After the film ended, upon the realization that anyone can play guitar, the scatterbrains in the audience decided to put on bishops' robes and go electioneering. However, most of them just disappeared completely into the fog (again). But after all, everyone realize that it is just a (nice dream). To keep everyone from telling the world of their amazing Radiohead experience, the CIA issued a gagging order, ensuring no alarms and no surprises.

Criticism[edit]

Radiohead was widely panned by critics as being "too happy" and "overly relying on an upbeat message". Radiohead creators acknowledged the sticky sweet nature of their work, but commented "Everybody's got to look on the bright side every so often".

Sequel[edit]

After years of waiting, in the sequel, the government has issued a gagging order to make people stop whispering about what happened. Unbeknownst to them, a group of let down IdioTech scientists in Palo Alto is at work rebuilding Radiohead, fitter, happier, and more productive than ever before.

The sequel will be released directly to videotape. It will be X-rated due to some nude scenes (preceded by a 4 minute warning), but don't get any big ideas.

Recent update[edit]

As of July 2006, Thom Thumb, the actor who plays Thom Thumb, the leader of IdioTech, has recently finished a two month-long break from serious work on the next Radiohead film to star in a remake of a shitty, obscure Schwarznegger film, Eraser.

Spin-offs[edit]

Aside from further sequels, there have been various Radiohead spin-off TV shows, such as Coldplay, a talk show hosted by Travis where guests muse over questions like:

  • "At what speed do birds fly?"
  • "Which speaks louder, questions of science and progress; or my heart?"
  • "Am I part of the cure, or am I part of the disease?"

Coldplay has been wildly successful, though many regard it as boring. And quite rightly so.

Line-up[edit]

Albums[edit]

  • Pooblo Money
  • The Benz (Mercedes)
  • The Current Application Will Be Terminated (Press CTRL+ALT+DEL to restart)
  • Adult B
  • Necrophiliac (Adult B-movies!)
  • Wail to the Chicken Kiev
  • Out Rainstorms (Get Inside Retard!)
  • The King of Pins (Woody Harrelson jazz tribute album)
  • A Moon-Shaped Stool (go in loo!)

Trivia[edit]

  • Lead singer Thom Yorke was arrested by the Karma Police in 2002 for throwing stones in a glasshouse. He has since been admitted to rehab and is reported to be "Fitter, happier, more productive"
  • Buckethead and Tool are Radiohead's arch enemies.
  • The creator of Radiohead missed a space bar hit between "o" and "h".
  • David Lynch directed a highly readable and cult failure sequel, Barry Lyndon.
  • Radiohead lost faith in Pluto after it sold out and gave up its planetary status.
  • Radiohead refuse to tour in Australia saying that they'll go there 'when it damn well gets closer!'
  • Thom Yorke has said that all of his songs have been inspired by looking through the same pair of eyes.
  • Radiohead's drummer, Phil Selway, is the planet's foremost expert on industrial clingfilm dispensers. He regularly gives talks about them all over the world and is President of his own industrial clingfilm dispenser foundation, which has it's headquarters on Saturn. He also eats babies.
  • Sometimes when you look at a Radiohead album for long enough, you will see a picture of like, a baseball player or something.
  • God loves his children, yeah!
  • They ride tonight, ghost horses.
  • No alarms, no surprises
  • Thom and Jonny once got lost in the Kalahari Desert and participated in the race of death (no puns intended of course) and were abducted by aliens and injected with hallucinogens. After this they were hallucinating the Russian fly know as Boris Herzegovinah, who spoke with a high voice and his mouth extended to the ground whenever he talked. This led Thom Yorke to write very weird lyrics as know in all of their albums.
  • Thom stole Jonny's "h".
  • Jonny regularly gets visited and attacked (gets succ) by a succubus and he's not complaining. She reportedly makes him shove large metal buttplugs in her ass.
  • Thom is secretly a woman and will hunt down and kill anyone who finds ou...

See Also[edit]