Bear from the north who terrorizes little children (usually by eating them). Bertha Rado, or "Big Bertha" are nicknames of The Bertha Bear. The bear is often called Lisa due to the spikes on top of her back, which looks very much like Lisa Simpson's hair. So much, that Bertha Bear is often mistaken for Lisa Simpson.
Bertha is unstoppable as she slays her prey with C shaped lancets. Occasionally, she throws a + in to take her prey aback, distracting them with a B shaped decoy. She jumps on their back, and uses her powerful teeth to tear the children's feet apart. Bertha is a fan of chocolate and often sprinkles some on kids. She loves to fatten them up with cake, and has an unhealthy addiction herself. Bertha is an elusive creature, known for her speedy retreat to her cave after a particularly fierce attack.
Stats and the Present
Bertha is large and fierce, and can walk on twos or on all fours. Depending on the situation, Bertha alternates. Bertha is rumored to weigh over 500 pounds and stand upright at 7 feet. Bertha can eat 100 pounds daily, in either meat or chocolate. In the wild, Bertha is a solitary creature, preferring to hunt alone, marking her victims with a green ink-like substance (some say goo). Bertha tracks are considered larger than most other bear tracks, although all visual documentations of Bertha tracks mysteriously vanish within hours after their capture. It is rumored that Bertha is an operative of the terrorist Don Al-Duck, though Bertha is not known to be able to speak proper English, nor any other comprehensible language for that reason. Bertha Rado is not to be confused with the watch maker Rado.
How to Survive an Attack
The Bertha bear will attack a man if she is surprised, feel in danger, wish to protect territory or if she is caring for her own cubs (although unlikely because she would tend to eat them before they reach childhood, this is possible and should be kept in mind when confronting Bertha bear). The best way to avoid danger is to avoid the bear. But if you can not avoid Bertha, make sure Bertha sees you first. Once she makes eye contact with you, you can first hope to trip her by throwing stones in her path (Bertha bears are too uncordinated to move stones), or run as fast as you can (a Bertha Bear travels at an average of 15 miles per hour when provoked, though one account reports this bear as capable of 30 MPH on occassion).
If you see this bear and cannot get away, talk to the bear. Make sure the bear sees you. Hold you arms high above your head. this will make you look like a much bigger animal to Bertha bear. Continue to talk and slowly back away. If you run Bertha will chase you (again, if you're a cheetah or Marion Jones, feel free to run). Whatever you do, do not carry chocolate with you during a Bertha altercation (or a possible one). If you are caught with it, you are in effect doomed. Your best defense here is to bring along Dick Cheney and tell him to shoot a quail. That way, at least, he will end your misery. Throwing it at Bertha Bear and running is your only hope. If Bertha bear comes to get you, climb a tree, a vine, a Ford Pinto, or drop to a fetal position. Cover you head and neck with your hands. Keep on the back of your back to protect your back. Even if the bear bites you continue to play dead (on the back of your back). Once Bertha Bear realizes that you are not a threat, the bear may decide to leave. If Bertha does not stop, fight back and make as much noise as possible. If you get plastered with the green ink-like substance, do not play dead no matter what you do. The ink will consume you unless you can flee, or attempt to at the very least.
The best defence is to play sick. Bertha Bears are extremely health-conscious and won't dare touch a sick or wounded animal. Sneeze several times. Coughing very loudly in Bertha's face is apt to drive the bear away.
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