Rainbow (band)

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In early 1974, a man by the name of Ritchie Blackmore left his band, Deep Purple to start a band of his own. Deep Purple was an ultra-republican group that supported smoking and the killing of all gays. Blackmore was secretly a gay himself so he thought "Why not start a gay band?". And thus, Rainbow was born.

The Dio Days[edit]

Blackmore was infuriated at the fact that he could not fire Rock n' roll jackass David Coverdale and rock n' roll's pedophile Glenn Hughes as well as the rejection from his bandmates of his suggestion to record a cover for "Mary had a Little Lamb" by Slayer. Blackmore recruited Elf singer and legendary badass Ronnie James Dio after convincing him that they don't sound 'too much like Pink Floyd', then got Stephen Colbert on bass guitar and Ray Charles on drums. Ritchie himself played the mandolin, and together, they were ready to kick some arse. They mainly played techno music and sang about ancient mythical beasts like unicorns and elves with balls the size of walnuts. Basically, they were going to suck, but with Dio as their lead singer, they were going to rock anyway.

Or at least, until Ritchie went and fired everybody. (And this would just be the first of MANY firings to come in the legacy of Ritchie "YOU CAN'T FIRE ME" Blackmore)

Ritchie Blackmore's Rainbow[edit]

1975 saw the release of Rainbow's first album Ritchie Blackmore's Rainbow. It wasn't very good and received attention only from Christian goths. After the fail of the album, they released one of the songs from it as a single to try to gain some fan support from somebody besides Christians. They released the song Man on the Multi-Colored Mountain in June 1976 and was immediately a success. It was so immensely popular that even AM stations would play it. The critics wanted to know what was next, and Blackmore was ready for them.

                        Ritchie Blackmore's Rainbow

Rainbow Rising[edit]

Blackmore fired Colbert and Charles because they both were playing too well and hired the Marlboro Man on bass and John "Stumpy" Peeps on drums who died a year later in a mysterious gardening accident. He was replaced by Eric "Stumpy Joe" Childs who chocked on someone else's vomit. Then he was replaced by a drummer named Dr. X. He and Marlboro Man were eventually were fired too, and after about 42 bassists and 26 drummers, Blackmore just decided he'd play all the instruments himself. They released Rainbow Rising in 1988 and it went triple-quaudruple-gazillion platinum in the UK and was number 0 on the Top 100 Chart. Critics acclaim this is Rainbow's gayest album ever and that they were the new Queen. Their hit song Stargayzer was a staple video on MTV and LoGo. The first track, Man on the Multi-Colored Mountain (re-named thanks to a drastic assault by the NAACP because of the formerly named Man on the Whites-Only Mountain), has been a popular staple, even being covered by cheesy fast food metal act HammerFall.

The Leave of Dio[edit]

After artistic differences between Dio and Blackmore, Dio quit. Dio didn't like how the only thing the band sang about was gay stuff. He later got an offer to be in Black Sabbath, which skyrocketed his career. Blackmore then hired Borat Sagdiyev as lead singer, but this would be the beginning of the end for Rainbow.

A New Age For Rainbow...Or Not[edit]

With Borat as their lead singer, and newly acquired Gumby on bass (who later quit and joined Ostentacious D with Clinton H. Giles) and a Token Black Guy on drums, Rainbow released their third, and final, album. Long Live Cock n' Roll was released in February 1993 and gained little media attention. Everybody then quit and Rainbow was officially disbanded.

Rainbow Discography[edit]

Ritchie Blackmore's Rainbow[edit]

  1. "Man On The Multi-Colored Mountain"
  2. "Self Portrait"
  3. "Black Cock Of The Family"
  4. "Taste The Rainbow"
  5. "Snake Charmer"
  6. "Night At The Roxbury"
  7. "If You Don't Like Cock 'n' Roll"
  8. "Sixteenth Century Greensleeves (They're Magically Delicious!")
  9. "Still I'm Gay"

Rainbow Rising[edit]

  1. "Tarot Man"
  2. "Run With the Cock"
  3. "Ballstruck"
  4. "Do You Close Your Eyes"
  5. "Stargayzer"
  6. "A White in the Black"

Long Live Cock n' Roll[edit]

  1. "Long Live Cock n' Roll...In Bed"
  2. "Man of the Lake...In Bed"
  3. "L.A. Connection...In Bed"
  4. "Gates of Babylon...In Bed"
  5. "(Don't) Kill the Queen...In Bed"
  6. "The Bed (Subtle)...In Bed"
  7. "Sensitive to White...In Bed"
  8. "Rainbow Eyes...In Bed"

Former Members Of Rainbow[edit]


Mandolin Players[edit]