# Random Statistics

Telling figures indeed.

“If you do not get a boner reading this, then you are gay.”

~ An expert on statistics

“This class sucked”

~ Captain Obvious on AP Statistics

Random Statistics are fictional facts delivered in statistical form. During the previous Julian epoch 99.4% of mankind experimented with random statistics, but only a mere 99.3% actually injected. The supplementation of random statistics into verbal interaction pushed the coolness rating of the median abuser into the upper quartile, and inflated their perceived sense of worthfulness thirteen-fold, causing their feet to lift ever-so-slightly off the earth's surface.

## Where Did They Come From?

Statistically, about 2/3 of people take up 66.6% of the worlds population?

Mostly 9 in 10 Random research has shown most people are under the impression that there's a science behind finding statistics for anything. Statistics have shown this to be completely true, at least 78% of the time.

However, roughly 66% of random statistics have no support whatsoever, in contrast with 33% of "scientific" statistics that are similarly invented.

On a related note, 56% percent of statistics are made up on the spot, however, only 25% (give or take 2%) can be shown to be completely random.

The above being true IF AND ONLY IF it has been recently proven that 72% of said statistics are, and can be,as random as possible, however, only 3% CAN BE fully random with no outside stimuli.

In other words, EVERY STATISTIC IS RANDOM AND MADE UP ON THE SPOT.

It's science, 84% of the time anyway.

A random statistic with a schnitzel.

Most people (about 97%, according to recent studies) make at least occasional use of random statistics. Statistically, however, there is a direct connection between ones level of education and ones use of random statistics.(I like celery...)

For example, only 8% of high school drop-ocow poop don knottsuts and menial laborers (janitors, fast food workers, groundkeepers, et cetera) use random statistics weekly. Among technical college graduates and white collar workers, weekly random statistics use jumps to the 30-40% range. Among school teachers, the weekly random statistics use rate is usually a bit over 50%. Computer programmers and electrical engineers use random statistics at least 75% of the time. Accountants, politicians and statisticians make use of random statistics at least 100% of the time, if not more frequently.

## Irrelevant random statistics

If you're like the 73.18765% of people out there, you're probably printing this out to read on the pooper. We interviewed several different people in stalls to find this fact. Here are some statistics that really don't matter but are fun to read while squeezing one off.

• I AM YOUR FATHER...:1 of 1.
• Hit the lottery: 1 of 53,567,422,456.
• Shaq's free throw percentage: 53%.
• Sex Panther: 60% of the time, it works every time.
• Your city will be hit with a Muslim suicide bomber: 1 of 3.
• You will read statistics: 1 of 1.
• Winners will win: 1 of 1.
• Losers will lose: 1 of 1.
• 67% of people suffer from an irrational fear of gnomes.
• 30% of people are afraid of gnomes for rational reasons.
• The other 3% are gnomes.
• Only 33% of women who wear sunglasses are only cute while the glasses are on.
• 100% of people have been part of at least one statistic.
• 100% of statistics are based at least one person, or gnome.
• Your life will end by having a golf ball jammed in your nose: 1 of 4,027.
• People that need Algebra: 1 of 3,053,567,422,456.
• 99.2% of the time, this will take you to a random article.
• 86.32% of statistics are made up.
• 37.98% of people die at some point in their life.
• Chance that you will die a rich man, get all of your money stolen, be resurrected, then eaten by a grue: 41.2%
• 6/4 people have problems with fractions.
• 9/10 of all humans at this very moment, are running nude, covered in peanut butter.
• 10/10 of people think that the value of pie is 3.14. Well actually your wrong because it's 0 i've just eaten it.
• 4/10 people believe aliens exist.
• 99.995% of people believe in Chuck Norris.
• 82.67% of all people want to be vampires
• 1.2401% of all humans will realize the importance of the digits 2401
• 1 out of every 2 survivors of the end of the world will be reminded to bring a their towel by Ford Prefect.

## Statistical anomalies

The first pie chart ever invented, which was responsible for the name, and also for for some indigestion.

A statistical anomaly occurs when the figures do not show what you want them to show. For example, you want to illustrate the fact that the New York subway smells like roses, but a recent poll by the transit department says 78% of people say it smells like piss and the other 22% were knocked uncouncious from the stench. The important lesson here is this: pie charts DO NOT have to add up to 100%. That is a lie first embedded in our modern culture by communist soviet spies in the 1940's.

It is also important to note that a pie chart is 50% chart and 50% pie (yummm).

The press (yeah, those pricks)

99% of journalists use random statistics but only one in out of every ten of the 12.5% who responded yes to the question know why 68% of the quarter second half are wearing green jerseys. This is not to say that these reporters are lying 100% of the time. Although random, the statistics serve a purpouse. Which is to explain another thing, after saying you were going to explain the first thing, which is not statistically relevant, but your editor thinks its cool.

It has been shown that if you take a journalist and ask him if he can find out who killed Jimmy Hoffa, 74% will say yes, 20% will say they already know but were not allowed to run the story because corporate and political powers intervened, and 6% will say it was them. While the other 89% will look Jimmy Hoffa up on Google.

When you want to explain something but can't, just explain something else -- Written in the entrance hall of the Fort Lauderdale National Bugle Enquirer and/or Observer

And between the last trimestre of 1985 and the 1st trimestre of my friend Bob's wife's pregnancy that number rose by 53%. Only to decline by 126% the next day and ruin it for everybody.

On the other hand: five fingers.

In conclusion, the only real statistical information which is relevant was coined by George W. Bush: "The chance of shit happenin' is always 50/50. If it happens, then its 100%. If it don't, then it's 0%".