Randy Hardy
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“Would you like some Irish in you, or are you?”
~ Randy Hardy's lame attempt at a pick-up line that should read "Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?"
“This guy is gay and overrated.”
~ Cloud Strife on Randy Hardy
“Hi, I'm Dolph Ziggler.”
~ Dolph Ziggler on Orton's Dick
“Good god almighty, what a RKO!”
~ JR on Randy Hardy
“Good god almighty, what a STD!”
~ JR on Jerry Lawler's STD
“Good God almighty, what a PHD!”
~ JR on His prostate exam
“This guy is obviously gay.”
~ Captain Obvious on Randy Hardy
'Randall 'Randy Hardy' Orton' (born on April 1, 1980) is a WWE scrapper. The man-mountain has allegedely 'reawakened' the Legends of The Undertaker, Triple H, Dusty Rhodes, Ric Flair, Batista, Mr. Kennedy and Chris Jericho.
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[edit] Personal life
Orton is the son of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dinah Lohan. Although he was brought up by The Hoff. In 2007, he married Jessica Simpson during her MTV reality show 'Find me another Nick'. Simpson gushed "I'm a superstar that's found my superstud." Perhaps unsurprising, the Oprah show recently televised DNA results showing that Randy is Nick Lachey's twin brother.
[edit] Wrestling Career
Orton makes his career by punting people in the head,getting hit in the groin, and RKOing peoples wives. He also Likes to punt whole family members and relatives. He once challenged Chuck Norris to a punt off, but then punted him in the head before the challenge could under go.
- List of Punted People
- Vince McMahon
- Shane McMahon
- Stephanie McMahon
- John Cena
- John Cena Sr.
- Chuck Norris
- Jason Vorhees
- A little girl
- A small child in leg braces
- George Washington
- Ric Flair
- Ronald McDonald
- Sgt. Slaughter
- A Pikachu
- A Marker
- A Football
- Sarah Silverman
- Mr. Walsh (he gave out hw)
- Ultimate Jabels Superman
- Batman
- Shawn Michaels (Yea Right Just Kidding)
- RVD
- Wayne Brady
- Tourettes Guy
- RVD Again
- Michael Cole
- That annoying prick in the $5 Footlong commercial (No not Jared)
- Jared (I know,he punted both of them)
- User:Legoman1275
- Your Mom
- Oprah
- Jimbo Wales
- 4.252.99.182 the pen name of the anonymous author of Fisher Price,
- David Archuleta
- RVD for a third time
- Rambo
- David Cook
- Lillian Lee
- James Bond
- The Power Puff Girls
- He himself punted him
- A f**king woman
- RVD for the 4th time
- Triple H
- Triple H a second time (it actually affected him this time)
- Merick and Rosso (the first "duel punt")
- The whole cast of Friends
- Walt Disney
- Batista
- The robot from lost in space
- George Lucas
- Sailor Zula
- Britney Spears
- Drew Carey
“Thats what you get carey, you fat b*tch”
~ Kane
[edit] Vanity feud with Chris Jericho
'Jericho': [To Randy Orton, in reference to what he is saving us from] Well your boring personality for one. You want me to continue? How about saving us from that face that looks like you got flattened by a frying pan. Or your monotonous, robotic, Randy Orton voice. Or how 'bout I save us from your child-bearing hips, your super cuts hairstyle, your subscription to Blue Ball magazine? But most importantly, Randy Orton, I'm here to save us, from you. Because the first chance I get I'm gonna take that WWE Championship from you, and I'm gonna put it 'round this gorgeous waist, and when I do, Monday Night RAW, the WWE, sports entertainment, entertainment entertainment, the state of Florida, the country of the United States, the Western Hemisphere, the planet Earth, the heavens above, the galaxies, the crab nebula, the Universe its self... will never, never, never, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeever, be the same, again.
A week later-
And at first I thought 'I haven't heard from this man all week, I haven't gotten an answer, yes or no', at first I thought it was because it was a spineless, cowardly, jellyfish, but then I realized that he's just... too stupid to understand the question. He has the IQ of a kumquat, and I think I used too big words, I spoke too quickly, Randy got lost in the shuffle! So I'm going to ask the question slowly, I'm going to ask it with very short words, in a way that even Randy can understand - I'm gonna Ortonize it okay? Me, want, title, match! Very simple! Me want, title match! Randy can even understand that, if you don't, I even brought visual aids, just for you, Mr. O. [Camera shows Titantron] Me, [Shows picture of Jericho on the Titantron] Want, [Shows picture of Cookie Monster (Orton)] Title, [Shows picture of WWE Title] Match! [Shows picture of a lit match] Say it with me now! Me, want, title, match!
[edit] Legends reawakened
In 2003, he reawakened the legend of Cactus Jack. An overweight, out-of-work and grizzled middle-ager was put in the ring with a young and toned Orton. Jack defied odds, by attacking Orton's face with bob wire, attacked the Randy Hardy with it, throwing Orton off a stage, jumping off the stage and landing on Orton. Then he proceeded to throwing Orton into a bed of thumb-tacks, ouch! A few gallons of blood lighter, Orton won!
A year later, another has-been was able to reawaken his career. Ric Flair, approaching his pension faced a 24-year old Orton. Surprisingly the grandaddy of wrestling repeatedly grazed Orton's face across a cheese grater like cage and then proceeded to stomp on it. And lets not forget the killer low-blow and all within 5 minutes. To cut a story short, Flair pierced Orton with some heavy metal and another low-blow. Orton triumphed but Flair got to postpone by the nursing home by an entire decade.
In common with over-the-hill competitors. Orton also reawakened Dusty Rhodes at the The Great American Ho-down. Taking the WWE to a new melodrama soap opera high, Rhodes dragged Orton around the ring by the never-seen-a-gym Dusty.
On numerous occassions, Orton has also reawakened Triple H. In an extravaganza of 1990s comebacks, the two have faced each other on every surface. Orton split from Evolution when it was discovered that he had booked a nursing home for Triple in a take-over operation. Things went awry when Flair realised his own wring days were numbered and so informed the Three H's.
[edit] McMahon ass whooping
Despite being a burly man-mountain (of fake tan and muslce) of a professional wrestler, WWE scripters decided it was really very realistic to see Orton get beat up by civilian wrestlers Shane McMahon and old man Vince. Noone really saw the difference in ability with the rounded Shane a boardroom man ten years Orton's senior. Plus people really did not see the 34 year age gap between Orton and Vince.
At No Way In, Shane hit Orton a few hundred times with kendo sticks and steel chairs before turning him into a bloody mess by hitting him square in the head with a TV monitor. Then the storyline got really really realistic when Orton's wrestler friends had to save him from a civilian that was about to annihilate the 6ft 4in 245-pounder.
Raw was even more real, Orton was knocked around silly by Shane, then got slammed with a water bottle and was later pummeled twice in the head by the iron ring bell.
On Raw, Vince knocked Orton silly around the ring before pummeling him into the side of the ring and bouncing his head of the announcers table a few times.
Unlike most women, sister Stephanie did not get giddy and blush when a trunks-only Orton entered her backstage room and attempted to make friends. Instead Steph Steph planted a bitch slap on Orton's chiselled face.
Most recently, Shane, the plump, rosy-cheeked business man has been beating the snot out of Orton every week since April 09. Playing smack on Orton's abs with kendo stix (again), leaving his limp body on announce tables (again) and a tossing him outta the ring.
[edit] Ric Flair kicks ass (Orton's)
Not to be outdone by other seniors, and in consistent 'moob-addled men beating the snot out of a lean young Orton' storylines, Ric Flair joined in.
To quote, the Bleacher report; I don’t know what’s worse for WWE champion Randy Orton, getting beaten up by a 39-year-old executive in a baggy shirt, sweat pants and sneakers (Shane), or getting beaten up by a 60-year-old man in a polo shirt, slacks and dress shoes.I just shook my head as I watched Flair, who is really looking his age, beat the snot out of Orton, a 29-year-old world champion in peak physical condition, in a brawl that started in the parking area backstage and continued on the arena floor.
[edit] Endorsements and other work
[edit] Burger King
During his short stint as a slightly fatty boom boom, he fronted campaigns for Burger King. This led to the exclusive release of the Orton quarter pounder. Later grease-tastic designs included the Orton fatty boom boom deluxe and the XXX Large Orton size burger. This larger phase was later explained as an evil plot by his partner The Edge. The Edge had conspired with Orton's wicked sibling, Lindsay Lohan to give Orton fat bars (disguised as healthy protein snacks a la Mean Girls). This plan proved to work as Orton never suspected a thing, this also took him out of the title picture and put him into the hotel trashing business due to his dissatisfaction with the lack of Burger King at room service.
[edit] TV
After getting hit in the head with a television monitor, Orton became the face of all television in the whole world. TV pundits decided that he deserved the honor as Shane McMahon had forced him to wear a TV on his bleeding temple.
[edit] Speedo
Since 2004, Orton has been the Groin of Speedo worldwide. Orton's contract (free trunks for life) has been threatened by repeat sabotage attempts by other wrestlers to pull down Orton's speedos, resulting in inadequate advertising, thus taking the lucrative contract for themselves and Dolph Ziggler. These reasons above, as well as some reasons below the belt nullified the effects of Speedo's "Iron Crotch" technology. In an interesting turn of events, the endorsement deal was then given to Colt Cabana and El Generico.
[edit] Interview in Mexico
Orton and the WWE went to Mexico a few days ago. Since Orton is the WWE Gay Champion, he got interviewed by a stupid mexican and called him fragile. Orton got pissed off, releasing the voices in his head and punted everyone on the set.
[edit] Gay Relationships
Although Orton has never 'come out' it has always been frequently suggested that he enjoys other males company.
In his evolution days he was seen as the fag bitch were he was used to strip and submit sexually in anyway he was ordered too. The faggot began his own relationship with fellow superstar Edge were he truly fell in love with him.He loved playing the part of the bitch and enjoyed edges cock.However after Edge cheated on him with Y2j and Vickie Randy Broke up with him. In 2008 Orton created his new gay sex faction entitled 'Legacy' were he would be known as the master and his heart would no longer be broke. His bitches are Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibias
[edit] In Wrestling
- Nicknames
- "RKO"
- "Legend Owner"
- "That dude"
- "The Awesome of Speedo"
- "Trunk Muncher"
- "The best fucking wrestler in existence"
- Finishing and signature moves
- RKO
- Boot to the head
- Roshambo
- Schoolgirl
- Randy Orton's Pastimes
- Passing the Doobie on the left hand side
- Trashing Hotel Rooms
- Kicking people in the head
- Beating Jeff Hardy in a game of Roshambo
- Getting Crew Cuts
- Placing his Johnson on Superman's shoulder
- Taking Turds in people's luggage
- Breaking his Collarbone
- Lying about re-breaking his Collarbone
- Interrupting tense moments with his news service, RNN
- Hearing voices in his head
- Getting pissed off at mexican reporters.
- Legends Killed
- Triple H
- Nipple H
- Kandy Kane
- LALALALALALALAAAAAAA HE NEVER EXISTED, NEVER WILL EXIST!!!!!!!! (Truly Killed)
- Batista
- Ric Flair
- Hulk Hogan's Crotch
- Room 1408
- WordGirl
- Mr. Kennedy (Orton killed him before Mr. McMahon fired him and shaved his beard)
- Samuel Muthafuckin' Jackson
- The priceless handbag
- Ultimate Roid Abuser
- Legends Orton Failed to Kill
- Edge
- Hulk Hogan, minus the crotch, plus the fake hip
- Vince McMahon
- Chris Jericho
- The Whammer
- Ron Simmons
- Nayely the Conquerer
- Abdullah the Butcher
- Ring of Honor
- Furious
- Total Nonstop Action Snooker
- Underwear Taker
- El Generico
- Denica Fairmen
- Dolph Motherfucking Ziggler
