Rant Alaska

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“I have never before encountered such shit.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Rant Alaska

Rant Alaska is a poorly conceived blog and podcast created by Steven Spielberg in 1985. The initial concept was a Science Fiction Drama starring Bob Hoskins as Papa Smurf. Contract disputes delayed production for 10 years and the subsequent lackluster quality of the podcast lead to a re-tooling of the program into a talk show. The podcast is hosted by Sean Connery and often features such guests as Charlie Sheen, Samuel L. Jackson, John Tesh and Heidi Fleiss.

Contents 1 The Initial Concept 1.1 Episode I: The Phantom Menace 1.1.1 Content 1.1.2 Trivia 2 The Revised Concept 2.1 Episodes 2.1.1 Episode II: Havana Nights 2.1.1.1 Content 2.1.2 Episode III: With a Vengeance 2.1.2.1 Content 2.1.3 Episode IV: Fried Chicken and Orange Soda 2.1.3.1 Content 2.1.4 Episode V: The One Where Rachel Agrees to Take it Up the Ass for Jerry's Kids 2.1.4.1 Content 2.1.5 Episode VI: Mars Needs Women! 2.1.5.1 Content 2.1.6 Episode VII: The Eighth Episode 2.1.6.1 Content 2.1.7 Episode VIII: Those Boots Were Made for Go Go Dancing 2.1.7.1 Content 2.1.8 Episode IX: The Red Menace 2.1.8.1 Content

[edit] The Initial Concept

Rant Alaska: The Fantastic Adventures of Papa Smurf
Bob Hoskins and Judi Dench in a promotional image for The Fantastic Adventures of Papa Smurf
Directed by	Steven Spielberg
Written by	Peter Benchley
Starring	Liam Neeson, Bob Hoskins, Dame Judi Dench, Fred Willard, Leonard Nimoy, Johnny Depp, Louis Anderson
Produced by	Steven Spielberg
Distributed by
Release date	August 19, 1995
Runtime	78 minutes
Language	coarse
Budget
IMDb page

"Dude! You totally just tried to grab my junk! That is not cool! Not Cool!"

~ Qui Gon Jinn on falling to his death

Rant Alaska: The Fantastic Adventures of Papa Smurf originally was envisioned as a Science Fiction series starring Bob Hoskins as Papa Smurf and Judi Dench as Queen Elizabeth II, with Fred Willard as the Villainous John Tesh and Johnny Depp as the messiah Raoul Duke. The production of the first and only episode of the series was plagued with contract disputes. Apparently none of the people involved had been informed that their signatures were forged and they were bound to a 15 season contract. This lead to an extended court battle, which would not be resolved for 10 years (the show was originally set to go into production in 1985). The resulting single episode is considered by many to be the worst of any type of media produced for mass consumption.

[edit] Episode I: The Phantom Menace

[edit] Content

In the first episode of the podcast Qui Gon Jinn and Papa Smurf attempt to save Queen Elizabeth II from John Tesh and his minion Don Knotts. While briefly stopping in Las Vegas they encounter journalist Raoul Duke and discover that he is the messiah written of in the Book of Love. After spending 12 weeks in the depths of an Ether binge Qui Gon Jinn and Papa Smurf fight Don Knotts in the Temple of Doom. Qui Gon Jinn falls to his death and into the jowls of Cthulhu after Don Knotts attempts to grab his "junk."

[edit] Trivia

• Liam Neeson actually does fall to his death at the conclusion of the climactic battle with Don Knotts. Neeson insisted on doing the fall himself rather than have Spielberg add the fall and subsequent dismemberment by Cthulhu digitally in post-production.
• Bob Hoskins and Fred Willard first met and fell in love on the set of this Episode.
• The episode is loosley based on a Jack Chick comic book about immigration.
• Some scenes were edited into the radio dramatization of Debbie Does Dallas.
• Chuck Norris' beard was considered for the role of Papa Smurf.
• Jesus Christ was considered for the role of Queen Elizabeth II.
• Morgan Freeman was considered for the role of Qui Gon Jinn.
• The original script had 17,000,000 instances of the letter "E" most of them on page 4.
• Scenes featuring Louis Anderson as Cthulhu are all just re-used footage from the game show Family Feud.
• Despite being filmed and having a large number of digital shots added in post-production the episode was always intended to be and can only be found as audio. All the footage was burned.
• The second episode would have featured Raoul Duke fathering a child with Papa Smurf. The child would be played by Wil Wheaton and would have been an annoyingly intelligent for his age character intended to give viewers someone to fixate their hate on.

[edit] The Revised Concept

Rant Alaska
Promotional image for the show's revised concept. L to R: Sean Connery, Samuel L. Jackson, Heidi Fleiss
Directed by	George Clooney
Written by	unscripted
Starring	Sean Connery, with occasional guests: Charlie Sheen, Heidi Fleiss, John Tesh, and Samuel L. Jackson
Produced by	Steven Spielberg
Distributed by
Release date	August 19, 1995
Runtime	35 minutes per episode
Language	coarse
Budget
IMDb page

With a new cast featuring Sean Connery and a new talk show style format Ranta Alaska's title was reduced to simply Rant Alaska. The show found a new audience, but was still plagued by contract disputes and the host's propensity for starting feuds over trivial or merely perceived slights.

[edit] Episodes

[edit] Episode II: Havana Nights

[edit] Content

"I honestly have to say I enjoy the taste. It's a bit tart, but I like it like that."

~ Charlie Sheen on Sea Monkey cum

Charlie Sheen and Heidi Fleiss stop by and discuss the pros and cons of swallowing after a sea monkey cums in your mouth.

[edit] Episode III: With a Vengeance

[edit] Content

The long running feud between host Sean Connery and Supreme Overlord of Television Stephen Colbert begins with this episode, a video podcast, featuring Sean Connery eating Stephen Colbert's wife and sacrficing his children to Jesus Christ. An alternate version of the video is available on the website featuring Connery's audio commentary. The commentary consists solely of Connery laughing hysterically. Some people have theorized the wet slapping sound in the background is in fact Connery masturbating with an aborted fetus.

[edit] Episode IV: Fried Chicken and Orange Soda

[edit] Content

"I attempted to remove my ear drums with a power drill after this travesty of a podcast."

~ Oscar Wilde on Rant Alaska Episode IV

Samuel L. Jackson stops in to discuss foot massage techniques.

[edit] Episode V: The One Where Rachel Agrees to Take it Up the Ass for Jerry's Kids

[edit] Content

This episode simply features Connery drunkenly ranting (for 18 hours) about how he would love to have had sex with Jennifer Garner just once before she married Ben Affleck.

[edit] Episode VI: Mars Needs Women!

[edit] Content

Papa Smurf and Connery compare beards and attempt to compare notes on women they have snogged. The conversation falls apart when Papa Smurf reveals he has only ever had sex with Brainy Smurf.

[edit] Episode VII: The Eighth Episode

[edit] Content

Using a combination of pop rocks and Deloreans Sean Connery and Charlie Sheen travel back in time from Episode IX to release Episode VIII as Episode VII.

[edit] Episode VIII: Those Boots Were Made for Go Go Dancing

[edit] Content

Erroneously considered a repeat. In this episode John Tesh joins Connery to discuss the merits of the welfare system. Stephen Colbert calls into the show announcing he has joined forces with Alex Trebek to rain firey doom down upon Connery. Connery and Tesh pretend Colbert has the wrong number and has instead called the offices of the Church of Scientology.

[edit] Episode IX: The Red Menace

[edit] Content

Jessica Simpson attacks in the middle of an episode on the benefits of washing behind the ears. It being "That Time of the Month" Simpson unleashes an unholy flood of menstrual fluid forcing Connery and his pal Charlie Sheen to travel back in time and release Episode VIII as Episode VII.

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