Raptors
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Raptors? Oh, I love Rap. ”
~ Oscar Wilde, completely missing the point on Raptors
A Raptor is a big fucking turkey considered by many humans to be a superior life form. Lately, many scientists have been doing much scientific research, and have gone sleepless nights in attempts to discover the cause and lifespan of a Raptor. Over the many years of research that has been done, the following facts have been confirmed as correct by the government:
- Raptors exist.
- Raptors breathe air.
- Raptors exist.
- The purpose of raptors is to kill robots.
- Raptors run at 10m/s and they do not know fear.
- Raptors can beat the NES Metroid title in under nine seconds.
- Raptors are uppity about "they" as a third-person singular gender-free pronoun.
In a recent Gallup poll, 90.2% of humans "can't stop thinking about raptors". These dinosaurs are confirmed by scientists to be "totally sweet."
Contents |
[edit] Facts
- Raptors are indeed reptiles. The idea that they are actually omnipotent forms of modern printers is a common misconception.
- Raptors are classified as Raptorus Awesomenssus, meaning "Robot Eating Reptile" In Latin.
- Raptors fight robots on a daily basis. It is part of their exclusive food chain. Raptors are at the top and Robots at the bottom.
- Raptors often use disguises, such as penguin men.
- The purpose of the raptor is to flip out and eat robots. This has been proven by scientific research, tests, and drunk scientists guessing their purpose.
- Recent Studies show that the Raptor's 'Awesomeness factor' (determined by multiplying their coolness factor by how many robots they devour daily)is 47% higher than most humans.
- Studies show that they are very intelligent. The average Raptor's IQ is shown to be over 90% higher than most cows, frogs, sheep, frogs, George W. Bushes, frogs, and over 60% higher than most gorillas and the letter Q.
- Raptors can, and will, pick your locks.
- Raptors are immune to fire.
- RAPTORS ARE INTO OLDER WOMEN.
- Raptors are AAAAAAAAA!
[edit] Information about Raptors
Raptors are proven to be able to eat any robot that comes within 90 yards of them. Raptors bite off robot heads daily in a ritual that requires large amounts of salt and trombones. These animals are so crazy that is best to avoid them, unless you are looking for them, in which case you would be better off not avoiding them.
Raptors can commonly be found in their natural environment at the local bar. They are usually sitting near the window or in the middle of the room. If you order them a beer, they may be nice to you, or they may bite your head off. Scientists are not sure what to do sometimes when you buy them a cold one that incurs their wrath, but many raptors have claimed they bite peoples heads off, "Because they can."
According to the aforementioned Gallup poll, 102% of humans consider Raptors to be Superior life forms, but this is debated by many science club nerds across the country.
Raptors, despite their misleading name, do not actually use proxies and P2P networks to illegally download rap music. Careful observation by scientists has show most raptors instead prefer trading polka tapes. A raptor will eat the head of anyone listening to country in less than 2.5 nanoseconds, mostly just because it can.
[edit] Surviving a Raptor Attack
You can run, but really you're only delaying the inevitable. According to reliable sources[1], a good technique is to close doors behind you, as raptors are slowed by them. As is made evident by xkcd, a good understanding of mathematics can be crucial in gaining a few extra seconds of life before the fearless raptor devours you. The only man ever to survive a raptor attack was a man named Samson Lybbert who made a narrow escape into a helicopter just as the raptor came in for the kill. If you ever come across a raptor-sized cage and it's open, you'd best run like hell.
[edit] History
The oldest living instances of Raptors trace back to when they were the disciples of the Almighty Pizza Cutter in 749 AD. The Almighty Pizza Cutter used them against the robotic henchmen of the evil Spoon. However, when the Pizza Cutter refused to share his Divine Pizza with them, they rebelled and ate him.
After wards, the raptors, according to historic texts "totally served, suckerpunched, owned, and annihilated the remaining robots in control of the Evil Spoon."
The raptors then set up a society know today as "Rome". This civilization lasted for a very long time and colonized nearly the whole world before its downfall in 1453 AD. Their downfall is in theory due to many civil wars inside the country, but most historians agree that is was because Mr.T pitied them so hard that the economy fell - in a similar fashion to what he did to England.
After wards, the Raptors fled to Israel to escape religious prosecution from Robots that had been attempting to assassinate their various leaders since the beginning of their existence. The Robots were trying to push RoboChristianity on them (the belief of Robot Jesus) when they believe in Raptorism (the belief that Raptors would be accepted into heaven at the end of time.) ing time until a mass genocide began in 1938 known as the Holocaust (The Raptorcaust to them). They fled quickly and are believed to be the cause of the end of World War 2, after Nuking Germany so many times that their grandmothers felt it.
Ever since, the Raptors have been a global community sharing their religion and culture with others ( Namely, by biting peoples heads off). After aiding in the destruction of middle earth by joining the army of orcs, they became good friends with the orcs. They also are close acquaintances with the Ninjas, whom they have been allies with ever since the war against the Evil spoon. To this day, they still crusade against all robots, due to their hard history with them. They do this especially on Saturdays.
[edit] What do Raptors do in their spare time?
When raptors aren't being incredible reptilian creatures, they have been observed to be doing the following:
- Smoking English pipes
- Working in odd jobs under the name Mr. Pinkerton
- Eating missionaries
- Listening to Lady GaGa
- They also fight Germans in their spare time because, they claim, "They stole our dewclaws for youth daggers!"
Although their main enemies are the robots, they also dislike Hyenas and T-Rexes. They are good friends with orcs, ninjas, and rappers. Raptors are also fans of Vanilla Ice and Robert Peck, although some also admire Steve Irwin.
The largest problems modern raptors face is being endangered, but some scientists say this is incorrect, while others claim foolishly that Raptors are extinct. This theory is commonly considered incorrect and idiotic though.
