Rare orange man-eating construction barrel

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Ualuealualeualueale.gif This article is crazy ass psycho and may suffer from ADHD HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THAT ASS!!!!!!!!!


A Orange Man-Eating Construction Barrel in its natural habitat

The Rare Orange Man-Eating Construction Barrel (Ampulla man-eatus barrelus), not to be confused with the Rare Orange Man Eating a Construction Barrel (Which is the Orange Construction Barrel's enemy), is a specimen closely related to the Orange Construction Barrel (Ampulla fabricatio barrelus). The two look very similar, but their behaviors are very different. The Orange Man-Eating Construction Barrel eats all living things, even man. (Hence the name.) They are scrupulously nocturnal.

Life Cycle[edit]

The remarkable thing about the Orange Man-Eating Construction Barrel is that its life cycle is nearly identical to its friendlier counterpart.

Seeds[edit]

Fabriforms begin life as small shards broken off from the parent plant. These shards work their way beneath the surface of the asphalt, either through weather processes or through compaction beneath the feet of other animals. These seeds lie dormant through the winter and begin to sprout in early summer when the rising temperatures cause the asphalt to expand and become malleable.

Sprouts[edit]

One can tell that the seeds of the construction plants are nearing the point of germination when the road surface becomes rough and uneven. Potholes may begin to form. This is the result of the most fascinating ability of the fabri- and pillaform genii: they form their tough exterior shells by absorbing and excreting the surrounding material. Fabriforms digest asphalt and rework the crude oils into a plastic shell, while pillaforms sprout from bedrock and cobblestone streets. The composition of this material affects the outward appearance of each fabriform, but the federal guidelines for road asphalt mean that very little variation is actually expressed.

Adolescence[edit]

Main article: Traffic cone

Traffic cones are the extremely rebellious adolescent stage of the orange construction barrel's life cycle.

Maturity[edit]

The seedlings have a variable maturation period - some may take several weeks (or even months) to reach full germination, others may appear and fully mature seemingly over years! One thing about the life cycle is certain - when the plant develops its fruit (an orange light), it is ready to be harvested. The Orange Man-Eating Construction Barrel should not be harvested as the Man-Eating Barrel will consume anything near it. This is how you can tell the differnce between an Orange Construction Barrel and the Orange Man-Eating Construction Barrel. The fruit - or light, does not blink. This is the only way to differenciate between the Orange Construction Barrel and the Man-Eating Barrel. In certain counties in Inglund, harvesting happens underage, in the traffic cone stage. This often leads to many wounded harvesters, as the young are very feral, and cannot eat a full-grown man yet.

Reproduction[edit]

Once the fruit of the Orange Man-Eating Construction Barrel is large, the plant is fertile and ready to reproduce. Much as the scent of a flower attracts insects, the light attracts animals and vehicles that will help spread the plant across the roadway. (Sometimes, however, the animals and vehicle are devoured.) Even one piece of the fruit can eventually grow into a full-fledged plant by the next summer. Byproducts of the reproduction process are used to make Shredded Wheat cereal. Genetic variation comes from a type of cross-pollination; if two fabriform seeds contact each other they share plastic material as they mature into one plant. The larval form is known as a traffic cone.

Warning![edit]

Never confuse an Orange Constuction Barrel with a Orange Man-Eating Construction Barrel! It just may cost you your life. There is an old saying - "Blinking light, no reason for fright. Blinkless fruit, you are doomed." Remember this. If you do find yourself against a Orange Man-Eating Construction Barrel, use bait. The only bait ever to have been able to deter a Man-Eating Barrel is nachos and ketchup. To carry these in your pocket is a bad idea - the Barrel will charge you at one billion miles a second. Instead, throw it about 2 feet in front of the Barrel. Then run. Remember, if you ever think a Orange Man-Eating Construction Barrel is following you, take it safe and run.