Raves
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“How can anybody listen to this garbage? What? Eat this pill?”
~ Oscar Wilde on his First Rave
“What are you doing to her? Why are you touching that girl's... oh wow... Wait.. can you do that again? I didn't quite see.”
~ Maxamillian Hearniea on a typical rave
Raves, or a rave, are free musical events put on by local council authorities to give the poor a musical event they can attend without having to pay to attend. Typically these parties are more of a communal event, with as many attendees as possible bringing down their own hifi speakers and wiring them all up to produce a sound rig, so called as it's jury rigged at the event. Typically these events last as long as possible, generally until the last DJ falls asleep or passes out. They like to play lots of techno type music that chavs can easily dance to or vomit that 7th bottle of White Lightning back up to.
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[edit] Origins
The original raves started in the early 1820s after a vicious complaint campaign launched by the unwashed masses claiming that the current sound culture was too dependent upon money charged at clubs and whore houses. Hankering for a free night raves were conceived by Patrick Stewart in the UK as a way of making these complaints disappear in the time it takes to deliver a pizza. Special areas of unused nuclear wasteland were set aside for the purposes of raves, often somewhere to cause as little complaint for local grues as possible. Generally these events will be held in some sort of area cut off from nearby water sources to avoid generating complaints from the mole people whilst lying on minor footpaths where a rave can continue to terrorise early morning joggers and dog sodomisers.
The start of a rave is signalled with a series of elaborate tribal dancing rituals, including the packerena and playing Rock Band. Sometimes glowsticks are even shoved into the cornholes of passers-by as crazed pillpoppers shout out "Oh no, it's the cops", even though there are no cops and even if they were they wouldn't give a shit because ravers are all white.
Rave culture grew in popularity after Chuck Norris invented techno, which was not adopted totally within the Bermuda Triangle, a famous hotspot for ravers and polygamists alike. This led to massive convoys of people in cars commuting to local laser light shows in search of human flesh, only to find out that only stoners go to those shows and they taste terrible. Often congregating at a local food establishment, such as McDonalds which is easily found in most cities, hundreds of cars would proceed to some remote site to hold a rave from sundown to sunrise.
[edit] Police Involvement
Later police became involved in these events, claiming that since they were being attended by people with no money people would have no money to buy drugs and therefore they couldn't actually arrest anyone. After several false arrests the police found it was easier to simply supply a rave with drugs so they could be guaranteed a few busts when they eventually do descend on a party, often up to a hundred officers in full riot gear using tear gas and other crowd control measures.
Popular opinion of raves changed in 1997 when an intrepid bunch of ravers died at a rave outside of Manchester after dancing around for 14 hour with their shirts off when the temperature was at -5 degrees. Ever since that date public opinion has decided that raves are nothing more than an evil pagan ritual dedicated to the sacrifice of innocent lives and the public has responded in kind with an even more brutal ritual of vicious dog walking and malicious jogging at the sites.
[edit] Illegal Raves
As with all legal activities eventually an unscrupulous illegal variant pops up. Illegal raves popped up by unscrupulous capitalists modifying the idea of the original rave and instead decided that in order to be a proper rave, money must be taken at the door. At illegal events money often has to be paid to enter, ID is checked at the door for any terrorists and people can be thrown out for dancing too much, looking like you are enjoying yourself or having large amounts of cocaine smudged around your nose. These events usually have less problem with the dog walkers or the joggers, courtesy of hefty bribes paid to the local police department.
Illegal raves in a further attempt to advertise themselves and distinguish them are now often branded as a 'festival' rather than a rave. The Glastonbury festival held in the the depths of hell is perhaps one of the most infamous of the illegal raves being held.
[edit] Rave Music
- House
- House music is characterized by a repetetive vocal commanding you to do things that your probably already doing. e.g. "get up and dance", "shake your booty", "take advantage of that teenage girl" etc. etc.
- Trance
- Trance is the one genre other than classic rock that constantly releases millions of different compilation albums with the same tracklist. If you are straight and start to feel a strange attraction to rainbows, unicorns, and David Hasselhoff, you are listening to trance. Or you're a closeted homosexual. Probably both. You know you have reached adulthood when you sell all your trance CDs and move on to another genre.
- Psytrance
- Psytrance is not art. It's a bunch of crazy noise and some silly sci-fi sample from a movie only a Morlock could love. That is all we know for sure. Psytrance listeners generally tend to think they are much more mature and elite than other ravers. Other than the fact that they all collect Barney DVDs and think the word "boobs" is hilarious, they are right.
- Techno
- Techno is by far the most boring music on the planet. If you hear the same loop over and over for 5 minutes straight you are listening to techno. Or you should put something else on your iPod's playlist. Techno is the audial equivalent of Chinese water torture or eating stale rice crackers.
- Gabber
- Gabber is one of those genres of rave music where all the best parts (the tits, the ass, etc...) of electronic music join together into one force and beat the shit out of each other for four hours straight. If you walk out of a rave unable to feel your engine vibrate when you start your car up, you were probably listening to Gabber or you haven't turned the car on, dumbass.
- Jungle
- Jungle is the only form of hip-hop white people can listen to without feeling bad about not being black. Beware of the "Junglist Massive". They look down on everyone that doesn't have cargo pants, dreadlocks and 100 pounds to lose.
- Ambient
- Despite being popular in 'chill out' rooms of most raves, ambient music was actually founded in 1732 by Sir Brian Eno when he got drunk and urinated in unison with falling rain. This genre is easy identified as it sounds like someone urinating in the rain. Which I don't like in any way! I swear!
- Hardcore
- "Hardcore" fans (also known as chavs, dobbers or MCs) are so hardcore that they can listen to horrible music for hours on end, be hated by the rest of the world, and still feel satisfied. Characterize by its incredibly fast tempo, pounding drums, references to dendrophilia, grainy trance-esque synths and altered vocal loops with the pitch so high it sounds like Alvin and the chipmunks have had their morning coffee laced with with crystal meth, the sound of hardcore rave is roughly akin to feeding a lab full of Rhesus monkeys industrial grade floor cleaner and turning them loose on a preschool.
- Old Skool
- Stuff like the Shamen, early Prodigy, C & C Factory and Johnny Cash. Made redundant by Nu Skool
- Minimal tech-house
- You know you cannot get more electronic than this, where the pills fly and the air is thick with marijuana. Minimaltechhousists are among the least known species of the rave culture. Theoretically this is because they are so elitists that if you don't like minimal tech-house you have never heard it and thus you are nobody.
- Dubstep
- Originating in English clubs that are so underground that only the owner knows it actually exists, Dubstep is a sinister ambient "vibe" genre that differs from most other rave and trance genres in that it is listenable to people other than complete chavs. Most commonly found in an episode of Skins.
- The stuff that your friend's strangely hot mom listens to
- You all know what I'm talking about.
