Ray Lewis

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Ray Anthony Lewis is a current NFL player for the Baltimore Ravens Defense (sponsered by Geritol). He is also known for being a master of the pile jumping arts.

The Accident/Early Life[edit]

Raymond was born during a freak lab accident. Gorilla sperm was accidently spilled and mixed with a rabbits eggs. He spent much of his infancy fighting his sexuality, because he desperatly wanted to be a ballerina. Beaten constantly on the chode, by his adoptive father, the WWF wrestler Zeus, he soon gave up this dream, and persude a career as a Mr. T impersonator.

The Dark Ages[edit]

At age 12 Raymond began running with the wrong crowd. Influenced by the glitz and glamour of the times, Ray became a hippie, and travled the country as a Dead Head. There he met his future life partner, and mentor, Brianna Billick. Together they traveled the world, taking in the life and cultures, of exotic lands.

The Japan Years[edit]

During his worldly travels with Brianna, he recieved the bad news of his fathers passing. Determined to fill the void, now in his life, he decided to leave Brianna, and visit an old family friend in Japan, to learn the sport of Sumo Wrestling (as his father had always wanted). The family friend, Yokozuna, took in Raymond as his own, and taught him all that he knew. After years of training, Raymond new it was time to depart, so he thanked Yokozuna for his training, and severe penile beatings, and returned to the United States.

Birth of Pile Legend[edit]

Upon returning to the United States, Raymond decided that he wanted to persue a career in interior decorating, because of his love for Pastels and Knitting. While attending the NESAM school for the mentally challenged, he participated in his first game of flag football. His coach had put him in as a left out, but after Ray had accidently tackled his own quarterback, by using a flying sumo air drop, that he had learned in Japan, his coach knew Raymonds true purpose, and a pile jumping legend was born.

NFL Career[edit]

After learning of Raymonds pile jumping success, the Baltimore Ravens decided to call in a favor, and enlisted the help of a Baltimore favorite son/daughter, Brianna Billick (now known as Brian Billick, after her years of living in Trinidad, CO.

Raymond was put on the field immediatly, and a 40 year (and still going) career in padding stats began.

The Sack[edit]

On January 31, 2000, Ray was bitten by a rabid bat. At a party later that night, the rabies took hold and he could not control himself. He snuck into the upstairs bathroom, and stabbed a hooker that was brought in just for the party. When the police finally arrived, they found Raymond huddled in the corner, above the body, feasting on her menstrals. A long trial followed, but Raymonds lawyers successfully pleaded his case, that he was just trying to get his red wings. He was convicted of public menstral eating, and was released.