Real estate

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Real Estate is the opposite of fake estate or unreal estate. In another sense, Real estate is the buying and selling of homes by people who live in apartments. Real estate, among other things, is how Donald Trump claims to have made his money, when in fact he makes his money by selling tufts of his unruly atomic-powered coiffure to genetic research companies for testing.

Origins of Real Estate[edit]

Rousseau clicked his heals raw wishing property would go away so he could be a noble savage.

As Jean-Jacques Rousseau pointed out in "Discourse on Wishing I Could Walk Around Naked," The downfall of man was the establishment of property. Scientists believe this happened when the ape encountered the monolith and picked up the bone and scared all the other apes away in slow motion. From the moment ownership of the bone was established, the rich people of the future were doomed to complain about property taxes that they can easily pay and still own that Z3 and think it's cool.

Business Tactics[edit]

This Estate Agent shows potential clients a traditional "fixer-upper".

There are several known tactics for purchasing and selling property. Many of these can be obtained free of charge by dialing an 800 number suggested by someone who claims to be able to make you rich without any effort whatsoever. While the secrets of Real Estate will forever remain a mystery to the normal human beings who rent or pay mortgages over 35 years, it does appear that one of the primary tactics is to brew coffee before an open house. The reason real estate agents are so rich is because of there job of sitting in a random persons house and stealing all there expensive shit like money, gold and the dog.

Real Estate Mega Deals[edit]

Here are a few hilights of the Real Estate game over the centuries.

  • The land where Rome was eventually built was sold to Romulus and Remus by the god Artemetis in exchange for the simple promise that the pair would stop nursing off female wolves.
    Seriously you guys. Knock that off, it's terribly unsanitary.
  • The land of milk and honey was promised to the Israelites in exchange for not worshipping a golden calf. This deal took a long time to go through and by the time it finally reached closing stages Rome had seized the land in question. Following this the property was put in escrow and held by one group for a thousand years before being taken over by the current residents. Property values have taken a dip in recent years as the neighbors continue to blow each other up.
  • The Rock of Gibraltar was a hotly disputed property in the 14th century. Seeing as the Moors and the Spanish couldn't reach a settlement, Britain eventually took a controlling interest on its way to fouling up other real estate deals in Africa and India.
  • The Aisle of Manhattan was not sold, as some people have posited, for $24 worth of beads to the Dutch. In fact, the sale followed hours of intense negotiations and ended with the Dutch admitting that they danced around in wooden shoes and the Metoac people laughing themselves into a fit of hysteria before herding all the blackbears onto the upper west side and heading for Westchester.
  • The Louisiana Purchase was the largest illegal land grab with public funds in modern history. When he was caught, Jefferson smiled sheepishly and began reciting the Declaration of Independence in a baby voice until legislators couldn't take it any more and said "we can't stay mad at you!"
  • Canadian autonomy was purchased at the price of Canadian dignity. The great northern nation only received the right of self determination last century when Canadians agreed to keep British Royalty on its money in perpetuity. If you look closely at a Canadian 20 dollar note you can see Queen Elizabeth II is still smirking about it.
  • The moon was purchased by the United States at the low price of a decades worth of multibillion dollar explosions. Then, indicating that the property wasn't worth it, the owner generously ceded it to all humanity in the 1979 Moon Treaty. This is also known as abandonment. Today, there is some talk of development, but the overhead costs remain are extraordinarily high.

See also[edit]