Reasons not to be a devout Christian

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“Well, it never did me any good, they nailed me to a tree!”

~ Jesus on Being a Devout Christian

Are you feeling down? People not listening to you? Do you feel like nobody takes you seriously? Perhaps you should consider not being a devout christian.

There are many benifits to being a Christian, such as the certain knowledge that you, and only you, have a direct connection to God, the warm sense of community that the mass burning of Books and Beetles records brings to you and of course the comforting knowledge that you are allowed to spend every sunday morning on your knees praying, instead of relaxing in bed.

However it's not all fun and games being a Christian, no matter how many times you read your Bible no one else will be able to see the truth that you see, and no matter how many times you try to save your atheist friends and familly, they just won't take your arguments seriously.

If you don't want to be alone in the afterlife then perhaps you should consider the possiblity of not being a devout Christian. After all there must be some benefits, if so many of your peers are doing it... Is it really possible that there is something better to do than praying on a sunday? Yes my friend, there is. To find out what, just follow this twelve step program to not be a devout Christian.

The Twelve Step Program[edit]

The Twelve Step Program to not be a devout Christian aims to persuade you to stop believing by showing you twelve compelling reasons to abandon your faith, ranging from "The Existence of God; True or False?" to "Science; Mans Best Friend?"

Step One - The Existence of God; True or False?[edit]

God in History[edit]

Throughout history God has revealed himself to mankind in many ways, if you were unaware of this, perhaps you should read the Bible. However we now have reason to believe that it may not have been God. For example Moses spoke to God through the medium of a burning bush, there are two reasons to be suspicious of such an appearance. The first, rather obvious thing to note is that if a bush could talk and it was on fire, it would be far more likely to be screaming for help than imparting rebelious ideas to a nearby Jew. The second is that in the relevant region of Egypt there was an abundance of bushes which were hallucinogenic when burnt. So did Moses hear God, or was he just tripping?

God in Your Head[edit]

Perhaps you've heard God speak directly to you? If you have, I'd say that's a bloody good reason to believe in him...

On the other hand, a lot of people hear voices on a regular basis, but we most certainly wouldn't encourage them to act on them, sometimes we even lock them up until they agree that they don't exist.

Step Two - Guilt By Association[edit]

We'd all like to think of Christians as a rather happy, generous and kindhearted bunch. However that just isn't always the case; for some reason a lot of Christians are filled with bile and hatred, both disgusting substances I'm sure you'll agree.

Being a Christian isn't easy, you have to be laughed at and believe in total shit. But really, who could be effed when you have to take in consideration the following list? Like really…You should just be an Atheist like people with an education or just a lot of skill in the art of being an sarcastic prick. So enjoy this true list of reasons written by an intelligent man and a clever teenager who want the world to realise that religion is for dicks. your neck.

  • Nietzsche declared your God dead.
  • Witchcraft is the devil's work, thus by association so is Harry Potter, so you're not allowed to read it ... but reading CS Lewis is okay.
  • You have to love people you can't have sex with.
  • You have to have sex with people you can't love.
  • Can't watch NFL pregame shows and hear predictions that are off by 50 points.
  • If married, you may not have sex three hours before Sunday service... with a member of the same sex.
  • The big questions in life, such as Why are we here? and What happens when we die? are all answered, which takes a bit of the mystery out of existence.
  • The realization that many of your friends, family members, and colleagues are headed for Hell is a bit of a downer. On the other hand, you never really liked them that much to begin with
  • The realisation that you have to work incredibly hard in order to get to heaven, and the fact that you probably won't be able to do it anyway.
  • The fact that because you're black you're not going to get into Heaven regardless of what you do.
  • Which, in turn, means Martin Luther King Jr. is going to Hell.
  • Having to completely ignore the first half of your holy book. ( Seriously, check out Leviticus)
  • Coming to the realisation that all the poor people in third world countries deserve their poverty because they don't have enough faith. Heretics!
  • Having to listen to sermons by pastors who were trained at seminaries that teach that Pi = 3.14. Wait...what? Comeback when I have this figured out...
  • Buying healing cloths blessed by televangelists while scoffing at people who are superstitious.
  • Realising that everything that is being preached to you can be found in an Anthony Robbins book.
  • Having to play crappy Christian computer games that involve going around helping people in need.
  • Trying to reconcile the Jesus that wants to cut welfare spending, invade foreign nations, lower taxes, assassinate activist judges and who votes for the Republican party with the Jesus that is actually presented in the Bible.
  • Enduring * Knowing even less about the Bible than unbelievers.
  • Having to sustain a "happy happy joy joy" face at church while sustaining a "hate smash kill" attitude inside.
  • Realizing that, in the beginning, someone had to sleep with their sister. After realizing this, you move to Mississippi to complete your religious experience by living the Bible.
  • Trying to work out what Jesus really meant when he said "love your enemies" and "turn the other cheek" - obviously he didn't mean it literally since he also wanted Christians to own firearms.
  • Having to give up alcohol and then ignore the fact that Jesus turned water into wine.
  • Finding out that public schools are evil and deciding to home school your kids.
  • You can't be nice to others because you want to, only because some big shot in the sky told you to.
  • You have to keep listening to people who tell you to read the Left Behind books.
  • You can't laugh at people who do read the Left Behind books.
  • Realising that the failure that is your life is all due to your lack of faith.
  • Being told that becoming born-again will solve all your problems and make your life so much easier to live - and then find it that, well, you need to keep trying harder for this to happen. Trying hurts!
  • Realising that a mixture of Nitrous Oxide and coffee spiked with Ipecac is all you need for a successful revival meeting.
  • Having to argue with work colleagues that both Mahatma Ghandi and Buddha are burning forever in the fiery pits of hell because they didn't accept Jesus into their hearts.
  • Singing about Jesus in Church in the same way you would sing about your teenage boyfriend or girlfriend.
  • Being told before you were born-again that God loves you just as you are - and then being told after you're born-again that God just isn't happy with you.
  • Seeing the same psych-patient being exorcized every couple of months or so at church.
  • Wondering if the word Satire is evil, since it looks like the word Satan.
  • Wondering if Santa is evil, as his name looks like Satan. And he wears red, the colour of sin.
  • Maintaining your devout Christian faith while contributing to the Reasons not to be a devout Christian page at Uncyclopedia.
  • Having to take the blame for everything bad that happens to you and having to give God the credit for everything good. Or you could just blame the blacks[1].Just sayin'.
  • Wanting to have the word "hello" banned because it has "hell" in it.
  • Knowing deep down that everything you claim to believe is in fact nonsense and getting violently angry with people who point this out because of that knowledge.
  • Having to go to church even though walking on holy ground burns your feet.
  • Having to love Jews because they killed your saviour. Nobody loves the Jews.
  • If you try to worship in Saudi Arabia you'll be beheaded.
  • Christians are actually a type of Lion Chow.
Actually only 0.003% Christian, mostly just ashes and holy water. The vegetarian version is actually Jewish meat rather then Christian, same flavour, just with lots of bits of furry hats in it.
  • Having to follow everything in the Bible, which again involves effort.
  • Trying to convince people that "Christians are cool too!"
  • God has awesome t-shirts. Actually those are comfy, forget this one.
  • Having to read and hear people talking about the Bible as if they know what they are talking about.
  • (Insert overdone and generally unfunny George Bush joke here)
  • Getting blamed for the Crusades, despite it being common knowledge that it was a Roman Catholic endeavor where other Christians were slaughtered too (but then justifying because they were non-Baptist A-rabs anyways).
  • Not being able to swear out loud. FUCK SHIT DICK-SUCKING MOTHERFUCK AMEN!!
  • Having to hear people say "but catholics are Christians too!"
  • Realizing that if you pray, God will be listening, and you'll slip up.
  • Being laughed at by snooty Atheists
  • The Roman-Katholic church steals ALL of your money (yes, the Pope too ^^ )
  • God declared Nietzsche dead so you have to pee on Nietzsche's grave
  • Coming to the realization that Jesus might not have been black, but he sure as hell wasn't white
  • By simply being a Christian, you are calling Muhammad a liar. As soon as Muslims work that out, your ass is theirs.
  • Jesus Camp
  • Katholic priests get to have xxx fun with your kids
  • You have to put your faith in a backwards dog
  • God see you naked
  • Living by the code of "What Would Jesus Do" and getting 50 bracelets with "WWJD" as gifts from all your Christian friends.
  • By the same token, having the phrase "Not of this World" plastered everywhere to be seen.
  • You will have to burn all of your talented music and be reduced to christian music. You will have at least 7 CDs in your new collection all called "Jesus I Believe You", all by different 'artists'.
  • Rock is the devil's music!
  • Having your mascot be a stupid ass fish, while Satanists have a giant red guy with a pitchfork that breathes fire and had a rock-off with Tenacious D

See Also[edit]