Reasons not to be a devout Muslim
Democracy is important. It is important that everybody has a chance to view their opinions and vote for the best leadership in public elections.
This demands though that not too many people get too weird opinions. If this should happen in a third world country, the result may be that the countries in the industrialized West must invade to restore order or even cancel their foreign aid programs in order to punish those nations who get peculiar democratically elected leaders.
In the 20th century, harmful opinions mostly consisted of different types of ideologies, such as Communism or Socialism. Now that they have thrown in the towel our eyes are turning towards the religious fundamentalists.
So in order to discourage those meek of mind who are in the border line of becoming spiritual wrongdoers, the Uncyclopedia here presents the best
Reasons not to be a devout Muslim
If you're a guy...
- Heaven consists of 70 eternal virgins, which means an eternity of inexperience (they can't do a decent blow-job) and "Ouch, that hurts! Don't stick that there! Err What do you think you're doing!?" (and of course, they're fat as well, or obviously they wouldn't be virgins if they were worth fucking) Also, nobody said that they're female. Or male for that regard.
- You're not allowed to have non-Goat, non-anal sex before marriage.
- When you´ll go to a bar you´ll never find anything like a beer to drink and always you will be with a bunch of guys. Girls?? Don't even think! Unless you're able to find a christian slut to savage.
There's a good chance you'll never be married, since you know, the whole polgamy thing means that a whole lot of guys are going be out of luck. You´ll probably have to marry somebody arranged by your parents, even if you dont like herYou will have four wives bitching you.
- The punishment for being gay is stoning. Non gays are hanged instead.
- You can be sentenced to death as early as fifteen years of age for not having grown a 5 inch long beard.
- There is a strong chance that you'll be refused as a air plane passanger or be forced to forever play the bad guy in crappy movies starring Steven Seagal, Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, or Charlie Sheen.
- Once a year in the day of lamb the chief of a family has to kill a lamb himself, in hommage to Ibrahim(Abraham) without even being a jew. Just imagine to get hold of a suitable lamb in downtown Los Angeles!
- Islamic males are one of the most combustible substances known to modern science.
- If your'e thinking about becoming a suicide bomber, remember the arabic word for 'virgin' may actually mean sultana...
- If you do get virgins since there supposed to be eternal they will never EVER put out.
- Thats assuming their female; they could just be pasty nerds playing World Of Warcraft.
If you're a girl...
- There are no date-flavoured condoms
- You're only allowed to swallow (food, water, or anything else) if your boyfriend is a muslim, and during Ramadan -not even then.
- Your soul is considered to have only half the value of a lawyer.
- To protect your virginity, you'll have to become a master in anal sex, just like a catholic choir boy.
- Arranged marriages, usually in exchange for goats, cows, or some other farm animal. You are NOT allowed to choose the goat as your bridegroom instead.
- The burqa doesn't come in pink.
- There's no mention of women going to malls in the Koran at all.
- That whole not having any rights at all thing, except writing miserable english.
- You have no soul, like a
dog Jew CatholicPresbytarian from South Carolina.
- Female circumcision generally comes out like something performed by a dead drunk rabbi.
- It is always your turn to clean the toilet when your husband is humping his three other wives
- You can pilot an airplane but you can't ride A FUCKING BIKE!!!!!!
- You're not allowed to eat sausages (even at Christmas).
- You're not allowed to drink alcohol (even at Christmas).
- You're not allowed to sniff coke (even at Christmas).
- You're not allowed to pull party poppers (even at Christmas).
- You're not allowed to take interest, and if you are filthy rich you are supposed to give away your money, instead of just accumulating more.(even on other days than Christmas)
- If you're caught shoplifting, your favored hand is forcibly removed (even at Christmas).
- No Christmas (even at Christmas).
- Killing infidels is hard work, and takes time away from joyous prayers to the most merciful.
- From heaven, you may actually have to watch billions of men, women and children being burned forever and screaming in maddening pains, [in hell] etc. Just like Allah does.
- Jins may actually start forest fires...
- You have to pray 5 times a day (this why no Muslims are over level 15 in World of Warcraft as no one wants to take them on raids; but you are allowed to play at Christmas)
- You have to deal with myths about suicide bombers and terrorists springing up faster then the pendagon can kill them off, as your religion grows and Christianity shrinks nationally [over 20% of earth is now Islam/Muslim! Don't be scared, submit!].
- If your political party wins an election, the Democratic West will cancel your social allowance.
- All your children will be called Muhammed (or variations of e.g More-ham-mad, mu-ha-ha-med, moohimhid, mo, mj00H4|\/|1d )