Reasons to become an atheist/the sensible version

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Atheist suicide bombers look cuter than Muslim suicide bombers.

First, we must answer the question: "what is atheism?"

  • Pro or Con: If human beings/ homo sapiens/ Homer Simpsonians/ naked apes are all one species, then we all one and the same. Nobody is better or worse than anybody else. Depending on your world view, this may be viewed as a pro or a con. Think it over thoroughly before becoming an atheist.
  • Pro/Con(con only if your jewish or racist): Since we are all one and the same, by default, you cannot be one of God’s chosen people on earth. You are just another human being who is no holier than any other.
  • Pro: If you accept that a human being is a primate then, according to Desmond Morris, humans not only have the biggest brain of all primates but also the largest penis. Also the fleshy ear-lobes, unique to humans, are erogenous zones that have been known to provoke orgasm in both males and females. Finally, the more rounded shape of human breasts means they are primarily a sexual signaling device rather than simply a milk machine. So there you are. If we are primates, then we are the sexiest and most sex-obsessed primates alive! I wonder what Muslims would make of that?
If you're an atheist you're Josef Stalin. How frickin' cool is that? Nobody will mess with you again!
  • Maybe a pro for the future Non-religious organizations (i.e. atheist organizations) don’t get tax-exempt status like religious organizations do; but, if you claim that you are a non-prophet organization (no Jesus or Mohamed) than you might get tax exempt status too! (Though don’t count on it. If tax-exempt status is the most important thing for you, I suggest you stay religious)
  • Pro for assholes: Atheist terrorists are snappier dressers than non-atheist terrorists. (See image, top right.)
  • Pro/Con(your choice): While Muslims try their hardest to rein terror and destruction across the world through daily terrorist attacks all they get in thanks is being labeled the Religion of Peace. An atheist, by contrast, only has to write a book before he's labeled a militant. This is good for lazy militants and school nerds.

Questions and answers[edit]

The world’s leading Atheist who should clearly be ruling the human race(note the proper noun) is Richard Dorkins (not to be confused with born-again Christian Richard Dawkins). Here is a typical talk between him and another atheist posing to be a Texan on a call in a show he broadcasts from his basement in Jerusalem.

Q. Wasn’t Hitler an atheist?
A. No one knows. Some say he was a devout Catholic; which was the source of his vehement anti-Semitism. Also, Hitler was a strong anti-atheist in the beginning, although this is unlikely to be solely due to anti-atheism. It also appears he changed his stance later on, and actually desired a religiously neutral state. Here is a quote from a 1933 speech he declared: “We have . . . undertaken the fight against the atheistic movement, and that not merely with a few theoretical declarations: we have stamped it out.” Although one quote doesn't really prove anything, and there's plenty of evidence that comes into contradiction with the idea that Hitler was a theist.[1]
Q. Fair enough. But weren’t Mao and Stalin atheists?
A. They were non-religious, so atheist by default. They still persecuted religious. Stalin threw religious people into the gulag. But hey, that doesn't count, because he didn't SAY he was doing in the name of atheism. (Denial. It ain't just a river in Egypt.)
Q. So they behaved the way they did because they were atheists? All atheists have the same moral convictions as them? They would have been different people if they had been touched by Jesus?
A. Well, many people point out that Mao and Stalin were atheists, while missing out the more important fact that they were communists. Atheism basically means not believing in a god, so it’s hardly fair to say that they behaved the way they did because of what they didn’t believe in; using that logic we can say they behaved the way they did because they didn’t believe in fairies! (They were Afairyists). Of course, we tend to ignore that Pol Pot never persecuted someone for believing in fairies, but rather religious folk. The reason they ran their countries the way they did is because of the communist belief system. (Kind of like the way Saudi religious leaders run their countries due to religious law)
Q. So what you're saying is that what Mao and Stalin did had nothing to do with what they didn’t believe in (Allah, Yahweh, fairies etc) and everything to do with what they did believe in (communism, Marxism etc).
A. Yes
Q. Why do religious leaders always point out that Stalin and Mao were atheists then?
A. Maybe it's because they persecuted people for being religious. But we tend to ignore that to suit our own purposes.
Q. So being an atheist doesn’t make you Stalin?
A. No more than being religious makes you Hitler.
Q. Wait a second, what about Enver Hoxha? Didn't he set out to make Albania officially atheistic, even going as far as to say "The State recognizes no religion, and supports and carries out atheistic propaganda"? Didn't he persecute and murder anyone who was religious?
A. Erm...uh...moving on...
Q. Where did you get that cool t-shirt?
A. I stole it off a blind kid.
Q. I'm still confused. Can you be more explicit?
A. Sure. The Jews were not persecuted by the Nazis because they believed in God. Many of them didn't. The vast majority of those who died under Mao were peasants who starved under Mao's economic reforms during the 'Great Leap Forward' and political opponents during the 'Cultural Revolution'.
Similarly, Stalin murdered millions of Kulak peasants who he felt were hindering his industrialization programme and who opposed agricultural collectivization. He also murdered anybody who was a political threat to him, however remote. (Of course he murdered thousands of priests too)
In fact, even though the communist states weren’t run under the law of one of the Abrahamic gods, they were probably amongst the most religious countries in the world. All the trademarks of organized religion were there: one true leader, a personality cult in which people worship the one true leader, self-sacrifice and the sacrifice of others in the name of the one true leader, punishment, torture and execution of anyone who didn’t comply, etc, etc. That “one true leader” wasn’t Yahweh (as in medieval Europe) or Allah (as in the Middle East) it was the president: either Mao or Stalin. This just goes to show that theism isn't the root of all evil. Just the men (and women) who abuse it.
Q. Ok, the script says I should I accept that, but my daddy still tells me that all atheists are bad
A. That’s not a question, but I’ll answer it anyway. Atheists (whether they know they are atheists are not) are not bad simply because they’re atheists, and neither are religious people. Your dad was an atheist when he was born, since he didn’t believe in God at that time, and so were you! Chances are your dad is religious, and, since you’ve got access to the internet, chances are he’s also a Christian. Anti-atheist and anti-religion-which-isn't-the-same-as-mine sentiment is common from bat-shit people, but not all religious people. Beware of that generalization.
Q. My daddy just heard that and tells me you’re going to Hell.
A. Again, that’s not a question. Your dad believes in Hell? Then he is a Christian. If your dad hates the fact that I’m not Christian shouldn’t he be glad I’m going to hell?
Q. My daddy tells me you should go and fuck Charles Darwin.
A. Although that’s charming, it’s not a question. Charles Darwin has nothing to do with atheism (even though he discovered something that contradicts what’s written in the Bible; just like Galileo and Copernicus did. Should I go and fuck them too? What about Alfred Russell Wallace? He discovered evolution independent of Darwin. Oh, of course, your Mensa-IQ dad’s never heard of him. He is Christian after all, and as we all know, all Christians are puppy-kicking, baby-biting monsters!)
Q. Why don't you have a beard like a lot of other religious leaders?
A. My agent's working on that one.
Q. My daddy’s told me he’s going to molest me again if I keep talking to you...Ah screw it...Don't forget all theists suck and atheists are 100% right no matter how shitty and biased their arguments get! I love you Dawkins.
A. Err, next caller?

A new conversation with a more level headed Qer[edit]

Q. What do you think of that last idiot?
A. He's an under-aged, impressionable douche with a horrible father.
Q. Ok. well onto atheism; does it really matter what we pick?
A. Not unless you become an overzealous, forceful douche. Or worse, an extremist.
Q. You sure like using the word douche.
A. No shit douche-bag.
Q. Do you think the church are double-standardizing douches?
A. In a number of ways, yes. particularly "Thou shalt not kill". so the church doesn't need to apply to the 10 commandments? burning witches and heretics, the inquisition, the crusades and so forth killed tens if not hundreds of thousands. and they tell us to help the less fortunate when they are one of the richest organizations in the world.
Q. I have read that one of the theories about the end of the Aztecs is atheism
A. I have also read that but that's not the whole story. The idea is that they realized the priests were douchebags. they took the credit when things went good, blamed the people when things went bad and took some of their stuff occasionally either way without really doing any work. the people realized this and were outraged. That's the theory as I understand it.
Q. So it was religious douches not atheists?
A. Yes numbnuts.
Q. I don't like your tone dude.
A. Bite me.
Q. *climbs through phone and sucker-punches A*
A. *right hook*nut kick*
Q. *Pulls out FN Five-Seven magnum*
A. *Pulls out Barret M95*
Q. *pulls out Master Chief*
A. *pulls out arbiter*
Q. Were did you get yours?
A. Wall*Mart. yours?
Q. SPARTANs R us. It's real.
A. O...K...
Q. Back to atheism?
A. Sure. you two go get lunch, Arby; Take a big napkin.
Q. What is your argument against God's existence?
A. The mere fact that most of what the church says simply can't be true. If God loved us all equally then please explain Africa and Bill Gates. "every time you masturbate God kills a kitten"? cats would be totally extinct. And there is a lot of contradiction in religion.
Q. How do you feel about religion in politics?
A. It has no place there. many religions prevent equal treatment, yadda yadda. I'm gonna go get coffee.

( so much for level headed )

Yet another[edit]

Q. Does it really matter which you choose?
A. Not unless you let it affect you as a person. Most atheists follow the same basic morals of how to live as say... Christians, to speak for myself, just without going to church or praying or such. they can then use this time for something worthwhile. Or at least enjoyable.
Q. Did you just say you are an atheist?
A. Yeah, so what? If you think that would make me biased you're wrong, because atheists believe in (logical? provable?) FACTS, not some crazy made-up crap that would produce bias.
Q. If God were real do you think he would actually care whether or not you believed in him?
A. If he were the kind, all knowing being they make him out to be, then he would care more about the kind of person you are, not what you choose to believe or not.

I like what I've heard, but I don't want to stop believing[edit]

Here is a typical rant from a fuckwad in New Hampshire who CLEARLY hates atheists (I use the term fuckwad, as it reflects my level of manners to people with different opinions):

the hard truth is that we NEED religion. The way that society functions is to create change from conflict rather than consensus, in other words when people struggle against poverty or political regimes, and people fight against it, it creates social change. And if religion is such a great source of conflict, it would be best not to get rid of it, because society needs to be in conflict with something to create revolutions.

Here's another one from San Diego:

There is no God, life is completely meaningless, if you kill yourself now nobody will care, etc

(I'm monitoring the talk page so we might get some more vindicating quotes as time passes)

(sorry about the uppercase letters, this is how it was written) I think religious people clearly need to stop caring about atheists and worry more about their own “sins”. Same goes for the atheists who ring the alarm at the first sign of religion. Contrary to popular belief an atheist is not somebody who doesn’t believe in anything; just someone who doesn’t believe in a supernatural deity. Most people in the world today are Afairyists, Azeusists and ATonyBlairists, but just because you don’t believe in fairies, Zeus or Tony Blair doesn’t mean you believe in nothing – after all, that’s an oxymoron! How can you believe in nothing? See nihilism. So if you’re a burning-eyed zealot (like me) stop worrying about atheists; if you’re not, then why not take the 30 day atheist trial? (minimum twelve month's contract, $40 cancellation fee, salvation not included, nor fun, nor an enjoyable life)

If you like the idea of not being motivated to start wars due to your faith-based views, but still want to believe in some form of higher power even after your 30 day trial, why not become a DO YOU BELIEVE IN A FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER TOO BUBBLEHEAD?!?!?!? Pastafarianism, or Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, is the most peaceful religion that humans have ever invented. To this day there has not been one single killing inspired by Pastafarianism. This way you still get to believe in a higher power (the Flying Spaghetti Monster) yet nobody takes him seriously enough to fly planes into buildings or blow up busses in his name (Except for the some of the Idiots in West Yorkshire; the home of the July 7th attacks. People in Yorkshire might be dumb enough to do something like that).

So you see atheists are superior to all other humans and should be ruling the world just like our great leader Dorkins suggests. We don't believe the foolish concept that we continue to exist in some form after death. We believe that everything is the result of a giant ass explosion that came out of nothingness rather than some foolish concept of a higher power having a hand in things. We are also not foolish sheep like everybody who believes in any sort religion. Just ask our great leader Dorkins. Faith in humanity is clearly more logical (just ignore Britney Spears and everything wrong in the world)

So in conclusion religion is clearly a mental illness which over 90% of the world suffers from. We are the only right ones and all should live like me posting out of my mom's basement on why I am morally superior to everybody who has faith. If this was done the world would clearly be a better place just like Dorkins says.


Q: Can you still say omg if you're an atheist? A: Yes, but it would be "Oh my gosh"


See also[edit]