“You thought they were child-friendly cartoon characters? You thought wrong, bitch!”
“Rectal Prolapse, BATTLE STATIONS!”
Rectal Prolapse is a brutal death metal band whose members hail from various childish cartoon worlds. The band formed back in 1982 and released their self-titled demo later that same year. This means that it was Rectal Prolapse, not Possessed or Death, that invented the genre of death metal as we know it today. The band consists of Nigel Uno (vocals/guitars), Ed (bass), and Grim (drums).
- 1 Early days
- 2 Rise to fame
- 3 Later controversy
- 4 The 90's
- 5 The incident that ended it all
- 6 After the breakup
- 7 Getting the band back together
- 8 Back with a br00tal vengeance
- 9 Legacy and future
- 10 Critics' comments on Rectal Prolapse
- 11 Notable people associated with Rectal Prolapse
- 12 Lineup
- 13 Discography
- 14 See also
When Rectal Prolapse's demo was released, it got very positive reception, or it would have if anyone lived to review it, because the music was so br00tal that it made people's heads asplode. Fortunately for the band, the one person who enjoyed the music and also managed to keep his head in one piece was the owner of Fuck the Ass Records. He offered the band a super lucrative contract with the label, which they eagerly signed. But there was a catch; the label owner was a sadistic pervert, and as a form of initiation, the band members all had to be fucked up the ass (think about it; why else would he name his label Fuck the Ass Records?!). So, after Nigel, Ed, and Grim were all sodomized with meat hooks, they were on the label's roster.
Rise to fame
In 1984, Rectal Prolapse released their debut album, Jawbreaker. This was the first death metal album ever made. Not Scream Bloody Gore, not Seven Churches, Jawbreaker. The album was named after Ed's signature deadly weapon, the Jawbreaker, which was a giant spherical object that he would stuff into people's mouths. The sheer size of the object would cause one side of their heads to bulge out so far that it would burst, sending blood and guts flying everywhere, including right into Nigel, Ed, and Grim's watering mouths. The album received universally positive review from everyone whose head didn't asplode from the br00tality, which was plus or minus 0 people. However, the album was the mega-success, selling 200,000 copies in its first week, and making Rectal Prolapse a new force to be reckoned with in the music industry.
The band obtained an unprecedented level of their controversy in 1987 with their second album, Treehouse of the Mutilated. The album was so controversial not only because of the gruesome and perverted cover art, but also for the two hit songs that Nigel wrote; "Adult Killer," and "Smells Like Teen Corpses." Countless numbers of teens and adults sued the band for advocating ageism through their music. However, with a legal team consisting of members of The Communist Party of the United States, The Taliban, The Church of Satan, and FOX News, Rectal Prolapse defeated the lawsuit easily. Teens and adults everywhere staged a revolt, but Ed used his Jawbreaker weapons and killed them all. As for the album itself, Treehouse of the Mutilated sold 300,000 copies in its first week, while Jawbreaker had sold 2,500,000 copies by that time, making Rectal Prolapse the most successful cartoon band in history, putting other groups such as Alvin and the Chipmunks to shame.
These were the golden years for Rectal Prolapse. They released four more albums that decade; Blessed Are the Grim (1990), Dethkids (1993), In Torment in Peach Creek (1996), and Follow the Reaper (1999). These albums sold anywhere from 2,500,000 to 10,000,000 copies by the end of the decade. About twice as many heads asploded. Meanwhile, the band was enjoying their sweet life; as celebrities, they were above the law. Therefore, they could kill anyone they wanted to and get away with it. And they did just that. The band also became known for their extremely violent and perverse live shows, in which Ed would kill many people with his Jawbreakers, Grim would reap the souls of Ed's victims, and Nigel, the ageist extremist of the group, would stuff the faces of the adults and teenagers with his own urine and feces, and receive blowjobs from 10-year-old girls, kind of like what GG Allin did. All in all, everything that happened during this time cemented Rectal Prolapse's status as music legends. But near the end of the decade, it all came crashing down...
The incident that ended it all
After the release of Follow the Reaper, Rectal Prolapse was invited to perform at the 1999 Kid's Choice Awards alongside death metal guitar legends Phineas and Ferb. The performance was exceptional and fucking br00tal right to the end. After they played the hit song, "Kill Your Sister/Rape Your Platypus," Nigel got a celebratory blowjob from one of his many 10-year old groupies. Unfortunately, that one groupie turned out to be Phineas's girlfriend (we'll just call her Isabella). In a fit of wrath, Phineas charged Isabella and stripped, raped, and strangled her to death. He then rushed Nigel, only to be taken down with a hammer smashed face. Ed then attempted to finish him off with a Jawbreaker, but Ferb pushed his unconscious body out of the way just in time, and the Jawbreaker wound up hitting and killing the show's host, Michael Jackson. For him, it was bad karma for being a gay (necro)pedophile.
After this disaster, Phineas and Ferb left their record label and went into hiding. No one heard from them again until years later (this will be explained later in this article). Unfortunately, the label that Phineas and Ferb were on was none other than Rectal Prolapse's label, Fuck the Ass Records. Never ones to tolerate their artists not getting along, they dropped the band from their roster. For the next week, they approached several other labels, including Eat Shit Records, CuntSucker Records, and Necrofucker Records. But none of these labels were brave enough to release such br00tal music, so they all turned them down. With this, Rectal Prolapse was dead (but dreaming).
After the breakup
Ed went back to Peach Creek, where he reconciled with his old friends, Edd and Eddy. They formed a notorious fraudster gang known as Ed, Edd n Eddy. All of their scams were totally unsuccessful.
Grim retired to a small home in a city called Endsville, where he subsequently became the slave of two little brats after they beat him in a game of limbo.
Nigel became the leader of an organization of ruthless, child supremacist war criminals known as the Kids Next Door, who are still #1 on the FBI's most wanted list for the evisceration plague of 482,754,915 adults and teenagers. Inspired by his adventures with the organization, Nigel, using the pseudomym "Numbuh 1," recorded a solo black metal album, Adult Tyranny ist Krieg (2001), which spawned the hit songs, "Grim and Frostbitten Treehouse," and "Freezing Moonbase"
In 2004, Ed, with Grim as his running mate, ran for president against his long-time enemy, a wooden board known simply as Plank. Ed won by a landslide.
Getting the band back together
The mid-to-late 2000's saw the uprising of some of the gayest, most suckass artists in music history, including the surreal effeminate pop singers Chowder and Flapjack, as well as the
communist liberal Canadian teenage rap groups Total Drama Island and 6teen. It was also discovered that death metal musicians Phineas and Ferb were no longer death metal musicians. They had joined Disney's gay pop music army in an attempt to exact revenge on Rectal Prolapse and the entire death metal community for what they had done to them. Upon discovering these new artists, Nigel was furious, and vowed to put an end to them. But the only way to do that was to reform Rectal Prolapse, which meant deserting the Kids Next Door, something they would kill him for. So, to cover up said desertion, on the night of January 23, 2008, he made a clone of himself and sent it into outer space to make the KND think that he was leaving to join the Galactic Kids Next Door. The following day, he called President Ed and Vice President Grim and told them everything. This was near the end of their first four-year term anyways, so after hearing all the details, they decided not to run for a second term, and to fight these new menaces. But there was one more thing to do; they had to go through the meat hook sodomy ritual all over again to get signed back onto Fuck the Ass Records, so that's what they did. With that, Rectal Prolapse had returned.
Back with a br00tal vengeance
Rectal Prolapse's first order of business was to seek and destroy all the pop/rap artists mentioned earlier. The band stole a trio of noble thunderhorses and rode to Marzipan City, where Chowder was recording songs for his upcoming album, Limes, Vines, and Trying Spaghetti. The band snuck into the catering company he worked at, approached him from behind, and dismembered and molested him. Then they mummified him in barbed wire.
The band then stole a trio of murmaiders and rode them to Storm-a-long harbor, which had been left in ruins after the Flapjack wars. Flapjack himself was performing a benefit concert for his whale mother and a horde of screaming fangirls. Rectal Prolapse chainsaw gutsfucked all of the girls, and did the same to Flapjack. His whale mother tried to exact revenge, but Nigel cummed blood from his erection right into her throat and she choked to death on it.
The band then rode their thunderhorses to a film studio turned WMD factory in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. It was here that the rap groups Total Drama Island and 6teen were shooting the videos for their respective songs, "Total Drama, Nigga!" and "666teen" (the members of 6teen sold their souls to the devil in exchange for their rap fame). When Rectal Prolapse arrived, they made them suffer. While all the male teen rappers were simply sentenced to burn, all the female teenage rappers were fucked with knives until they reached orgasms through torture and died. The manager of the two groups, Chris Mclean, suffered a grotesque impalement.
Later, the band learned that death metallers turned Disney pop stars Phineas and Ferb were living in the Providence, Rhode Island suburb of Danville, which is right next to Quahog. The band went over there and confronted them face to face. "I will kill you!" said Ed. And that's exactly what he and his bandmates did. It was vile. But their fun was not over yet; acting out on the song they played together at the Kids' Choice Awards nine years ago, they actually killed their sister and raped their platypus, who they then fed to Brian Griffin.
With all the gay, suckass artists six feet under, and with no other such artists popping up due to fear of death, Rectal Prolapse went back to the recording studio. The following year, they released their comeback album, The Numbuh of the Beast. It has sold 1,500,000 copies. For the next year, they traveled the world promoting their new album on Operation W.O.R.L.D.-T.O.U.R. (Worldwide Ominous Ravaging Livid Destruction - The Overlords Undertake Revenge), supported by Necro-Deth Cannibals from Hell. This tour proved that Rectal Prolapse was more violent than ever; Nigel blew at least 1,000 girls, Ed killed twice as many people with his Jawbreaker weapons, and Grim reaped their souls until they too were destroyed. As a result of the tour, their record sales tripled, as did the head asplosion rate.
Legacy and future
It is estimated that as of now, Rectal Prolapse has sold 300,000,000 records, more than any other artist in music history, including The Beatles. Rectal Prolapse is the most successful artist in music history, and is considered by most to be the best band ever. When former Headbanger's Ball host Jamey Jasta interviewed them about their unmatched success, they allegedly said, "We bet you it doesn't feel anything like this..." Jamey Jasta has never been seen or heard from again.
However, when asked about their future, they said that it would be just like it always has been, with br00tal music, asploding heads, Nigel blowing little girls, Ed killing people with Jawbreakers, and Grim reaping their souls. Currently, Rectal Prolapse and Necro-Deth Cannibals from Hell are working on a split album together, which is entitled Rectal Necro-Deth. It is scheduled for release in 2011.
Critics' comments on Rectal Prolapse
“Rectal Prolapse is a bunch of cartoon characters playing death metal.”
“They're somewhat more brutal than your average death metal band.”
“They're SO family-friendly!”
“And I thought I was a bad influence on children!”
“Blacker than the blackest black times infinity!”
“God hates Rectal Prolapse!”
“Fred Phelps is right about me for once.”
“Heil Rectal Prolapse!”
“God what an awful racket!”
“And if you're not done with that, we got two words for ya...RECTAL PROLAPSE!!”
“This isn't art! This isn't even entertainment! This...BLOWS!!”
“If you hate them so much, why did you sleep with them?”
“Why did YOU sleep with them?!”
“I wish I was Nigel Uno.”
“Did they actually lose their rectums?”
“Rectal Prolapse is the best death metal band of all time!”
“Die, you piece of nigger shit!”
And here's what Rectal Prolapse themselves had to say
“Your souls shall be reaped mercilessly for all eternity!”
“Gravy and butter toast! Yum!”
“You stupid fucking piece of adult shit! I'm going to fucking kill you!”
Notable people associated with Rectal Prolapse
People who have supported Rectal Prolapse
- Cannibal Corpse
- Morbid Angel
- Glen Benton
- Seth Putnam
- Dick Cheney
- Jeffrey Dahmer
- Mojo Jojo
- Osama bin Laden
- Ronald McDonald
- Lord Voldemort
- Bart Simpson
- Hoagie P. Gilligan
- Wallabee Beetles
- Spongebob Squarepants
- Kim Jong-Il
- Winnie the Pooh
- Darth Vader
- Bob the Builder
- Adolf Hitler
- Stewie Griffin
- George Dubya Bush
People Rectal Prolapse have killed
- Kurt Cobain
- Billy Mays
- Chris Benoit
- Mung Daal
- Sirius Black
- The Powerpuff Girls
- The Delightful Children from Down the Lane
- not Oscar Wilde
- not Chuck Norris, either
- Rolf (ROFL)
- Tupac Shakur
- Ben 10
- Ronald Reagan
- The Toilenator
- Kim Possible
- Captain K'Nuckles
- Jar Jar Binks
- Johnny Test
- Peter Steele
- The Fairly OddParents
- 394,175,256,048 Rainbow Monkeys
Groupies who have slept with members of Rectal Prolapse
- Jessica Alba (lucky bastards!)
- Angela Gossow
- Shelley Marsh
- Lois Griffin
- Hermione Granger
- Queen Elizabeth II
- Lisa Simpson
- The Kanker Sisters
- Anna Nicole Smith's corpse
- Sarah Palin
- Wendy Testaburger
- Kuki Sanban
- Abigail Lincoln
- Meg Griffin
- Jillian Hall
- Your mom
- Ed's little sister, Sarah (it was Ed who slept with her!)
- Megan Fox
- Princess Leia
- The Powerpuff Girls (it happened after they killed them!)
- Lady Gaga
- Marge Simpson
- Judge Judy
- Susan and Mary Test
Nigel Uno: vocals/guitars (1982-1999, 2008-present)
Ed: bass (1982-1999, 2008-present)
Grim: drums (1982-1999, 2008-present)
Rectal Prolapse (demo) (1982)
Treehouse of the Mutilated (1987)
Blessed Are the Grim (1990)
In Torment in Peach Creek (1996)
Follow the Reaper (1999)
The Numbuh of the Beast (2009)
Rectal Necro-Deth (split w/Necro-Deth Cannibals from Hell) (2011)