Red Green

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“He doesn't know whether red is actually green.”

~ Captain Obvious on Red Green

“I don't have a university degree, I never finnished high school and if you count the seconds I was listening, I have no education at all. But i'm unpredjudiced by previous knowledge.”

“"He would be an exellent ally in the war against RIICCHHHAAAARRRRRDDDDS!!" ”

Red Green
Behold El Prime` Ministero Red Green, leader of the Canadian people, seen reading a shopping list from the mysterious Bernice.
Title: Red
Predecessor: Canadian Tire Couple
Successor: Bounty Paper Towel
Date of Birth: February 31st, 1833
Place of Birth: Possum Lake, Lower Canada
Spouse: Bernice
Political Party: Handyman Party of Canada


Red Green was a Colarian, whose parents moved to Possum Lake, Canada a year before he was born in 1933. Red Green grew up in the notorious Toronto slum of Possum Lake. He was educated by the finest Canadians, including Leto Atreides, Mr Dressup, Lester Pearson and the eunuch from Munich. When Russian gangs threatened to take over Possum Lake in 1972, Red Green fought back with fury. He built a small army called the Possums and sent those Russians back to Hell, Michigan.

With the Russians defeated, he took his army and moved them into an abandoned castle deep in the woods of Ontario, called "Possum Lodge". Its seeming shabbiness a cover for their covert operations and warlike nature, Green and his men were able to produce the best damned T.V. show ever seen without interference from Communists.

Old Age[edit]

In 2011, the Americans took over all of Canada except for Alberta. The first thing those yanks did was ban the Red Green show. Red grew furious. With the aid of Edgar Montrose, Harold Green, Bill, Hap Shawnesse, Mike Hammer, Winston Rothchilde and a few thousand penguins with rockets on their backs, they drove the vastly larger American forces out of Toronto. Unfortunately, Red did not have the manpower to make an assault on the rest of American occupied Canada. So Red made a terrible gamble, he went to the lone warlord of Oilberta, the dreaded Ralph Klein. With the wealth of Saudi Alberta and the manpower of Quebec behind him, Red Green invaded America and defeated the Americans on their own ground. With the guns of the Omega Man at her side, Canada seemed invincible and America had its days numbered.

But not even the cunning of Red Green, the oil of Alberta, the drinking of Klein nor the guns of the Omega Man were a match against the Mule.

The Mule[edit]

Long had the president of America, the President Baron Harkonenn plotted and schemed. Then whilst molesting boys, he conjured a way to conquer the world. Using the best gene manipulation technology on Jurassic Park, the President created the mule. The mule was a man who could use the power of his mind to create huge fireworks displays that could make Gandalf the Grey shit himself with envy. The Canadian troops were so frightened by these fireworks that they ran, and Red Green was back to square one.

Death of the Mule[edit]

Still Red Green was able to defeat the mule and his master the President. Red Green's weapon of choice was duct tape, which he used to tape the mule's head up it's bum. The President was slain when a female midget poisoned him. Canada was once again a sovereign nation and Red Green became our best Prime Minister. It is believed that the mule fathered a child before he died with an old maid living in the woods. This child would later be known to the world as "Al Franken".

Present Day[edit]

He lives with his wife Bernice happily at Possum Lake. He no longer puts up with Harold's annoying presence.

In 2001 he was forced out retirment to save his friend Stan Lee From cretian death at the hands of Alan Moore. Moore fled in horror when he saw Red had brought his one weakness, Duct tape.

See Also[edit]

Preceded by:
Canadian Tire Couple
Prime Minister of Canada
Succeeded by:
Bounty Paper Towel