Red vs. Blue
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“Have you seen Lopez also known as Senor El roboto.”
~ Sarge on the blues
“Time line.. Guhhh. Time is not made out of lines... Time is made out of Circles. Thats why clocks are round.”
~ Caboose on Time
“He prefers to be called, an explosive American.”
~ Caboose on Church calling Andy a bomb
“Oh Crap! Oh Crap! OH CRAP! Running Running Running!!!!”
~ Caboose on ....almost everything
Red vs Blue is a web series based on a bunch of dickheads and retards that are fucking around in a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. Each team has a base on each side of the canyon (known as blood gulch) and the point they bitch about the most is, that even if one of the teams were going to pull out and the other team would to steal there base, they would have to bases in the middle of a box canyon, whoopdee fucken doo.
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[edit] The Characters
[edit] The Blue Team
- Cpt. Butch Flowers (Status - Deceased from an aspirin overdose???)... Butch was captain of blue team for not too long, his ethics were always be positive, and the day before he died, he had put in the order to get tucker a sniper rifle, but when church goes back in time, he gives his Captain some aspirin to try to stop him dying, but it ends up killing him. After he dies, Tucker decides to strip the poor guy, and steal his armor.
- Church (Leader)... Church is the self proclaimed leader of the Blue Dick heads, his pet hates are, Tucker, Caboose, cock biting fucktards and team KILLING fucktards (which turns out to be himself). Church is your general asshole. Out of all the idiots in the canyon Church is one of the most efficient.
- Michael J Caboose... Caboose is actually a relative of Cthulhu known by his full title of The Great Destroyer Michael J. Caboose the Hater of Babies. He is the only being in the universe known to reach the state of enlightenment known as "no brain", where his IQ is very literally in negative numbers. He is actually considered to be minor deity to the Grues. He also has a girlfriend, who is an AI unit named Sheila, who is like Cortana, but less annoying and she can drive a tank. It should also be noted that Master Chief does not exist: the Halo series was based off of Caboose's life story and Bungie just went and screwed up everything majorly. Bastards.
- Tucker (Black)... Tucker is black. He has a sword and he likes to sniff butts (according to Caboose). He is a dick. His catchphrase is "BOW CHIKA BOW WOW."
- Tex Tex is a member of the Freelancer Program, which uses the Red and Blue teams to run mission simulations. Due to the implantation of the Omega AI, her personally degraded from simple aggression to very complex aggression, making her incredibly dangerous. Even with O'Malley gone, her life is mostly made up of killing people, maiming people, torturing people, and killing, maiming and torturing people for money. She was killed by Donut (she got better) and is currently MIA in the area of Valhalla. While it is known that she previously had a relationship with Church, that is no longer the case now, probably due to the fact that he watched her tear out a man's skull and beat him to death with it. Off duty, she is a repeat guest star on Iron Chef and a popular country singer.
- Kaikaina "Sister" Grif Sister is a horrific anomaly whose very existence can only be described as a mixture of carefully controlled inbreeding and genetic manipulation. As Doc discovered during a routine medical examination when she joined Blue Team, not only does Sister have a GG cup chest, but she also has every STD known to mankind, including several only known to dolphins and one unique to a certain type of asparagus.Basically, she's a slut. She is color blind, and once in the 5th grade she fell under the surface of a frozen pond and wall pulled up three hours later both alive and pregnant. The baby was a half-human, half Koi fish monstrosity that went on to star in an award winning sitcom series.
- Shiela the M808V Main Battle Tank AI Program Yeah, she's a tank.
[edit] The Reds
- Sarge (Leader)... Sarge is a father figure to Simmons, and a dick head to Grif. His famous words are "WOOOOH BLAMO," and his conversation with Tex was short and sweet, "Tex i would really like you to consider joining the red team. You know your black is just a dark shade of red."
- Simmons (Nerd)... Simmons is a giant nerd that thinks he runs the gulch, he is a major kiss ass, and he deserves the brown nose. He has never had a girl friend, and is the official science officer of Red Team
- Grif (Lazy asshole)... Grif is lazy and hates to do anything. When he was taken over by O'malley he still didn't do anything, he just went to sleep.
- Lopez (Senor El Roboto)... A robot, that speaks spanish, and kills grif.
- The Warthog (The Puma)... It's a car that is either controlled manually by Lopez or driven.
- Donut (Gurly, Gay!!!!!!!!!!!!!)... Donut is the most harmless and strangest person. When Sister was naked, Grif didn't let anybody but Donut watch. When they asked why, Donut answered their question with this, "Their Base gets so much more inner light than ours.
[edit] Other Dicks
- Wyoming (Pom)... Wyoming was hired to murder Tucker by O'malley but when he finds out that Tex was in blood gulch, he plans to kill her as well. But once Tucker has his gross baby, O'malley hires Wyoming to fuck the baby, and then have another gross alien baby, and that would end the war somehow. I don't see how fucking a baby can stop a war. Hear that, Bush? Baby fucking solves nothing!
- O'malley (Omega)... Omega is a evil computer virus that infects everything and is EEEEEEEVILL!! HAHAHAHAH.
- Garry (Gamma)... Garry is Wyoming's A.I. and he appears to be a good person but then in series 5, you learn that Garry was really an A.I. and hes actually fucking evil.
- Andy (THE BOMB)... He's a bowling ball, that can explode, and he talks, WTF HE TALKS. so he was made-- SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK. THIS GUY TALKS.
- Crunchbite (The Alien)... Impregnates Fucker - I mean Tucker - with an alien embryo and then dies, which lead to Tucker having a baby, and then leading to Wyoming wanting to fuck the baby. What some people don't understand is, how the fuck the baby is blue, when Tucker is black. It DOESN'T FUCKING WORK.
- Junior (Tuckers Gross Kid)... Yeah wat eva. Bow chika honk honk.
- Delta... Different AI, for some reason not evil, ends up getting raped by the meta.
- Wash... Other freelancer, like Tex, but insane and gets shot by the meta a lot.
- Meta... Basically an AI clusterfuck, enjoys fucking AI.
[edit] Relationships within the Teams
Technically Tucker and CRUNCHBITE had a relationship, because they had a child together, obviously there is no love loss with Church and Tex, after Tex broke up with Church, He still wants to attack her with his dick. Obviously Caboose wants sheila, but Churches theory is, "I already have enough cross breeds here, you ugly baby is enough, I couldn't handle a little retard running around with a 130mm gun for a head.
Another Obvious relationship is with Sister and Simmons, obviously behind the scenes they were fucking each other like a raunchy couple. On screen she called him a Nerd, but behind the scenes she was screaming "OOOOHHH TIGER!!!" The final two relationships are with Doc and Grif, and Donut and Sarge. These relationships were obvious because when Donut was killed, Sarge didn't want to go to deep into how he felt towards Donut. Also, neither Grif nor Doc fit in, so they would turn to each other.
