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“Ya Git' Dem Queers, Boy!”

~ Redneck on Raising Children

“If y'all go to the family reunion, to pick up a date...”

~ Jeff Foxworthy on might be a redneck

“'Dey Took 'oor Joobs!!”

~ Redneck on His Joob
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Rednecks.
Cyrus Guthrey from South Carolina.

Rednecks , Red n' Necked, or every citizen of the Confederate state Arkansas, are, for the most part, known for their love for NASCAR, the National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing. They spend the weekend days in the sun with their wives and little'uns wondrously watchin' NASCAR races, tracks, drivers as well as being worshipful to Republicans such as George W. Bush or John McCain but they're not too sure anymore about Larry Craig (not that there's anything wrong with that!)

My Billy Bob "Meet and Greet" Awaiting Faux Failure Views[edit]

Whatever happened to Colon? (Huh Huh)

A good example of a redneck is our guest today; the harmonica holdin' quite amiable Hill Billy Jimmy Bob Joe Smith [see below for more detail] who sips away at what he refers to as slightly chilled ref'rushmint; and is an ardent Limbaugh Listenin' radio devotee. After all, a DSL monthly bill costs about as much as his freaking trailer, Billy explains. As he bends to offer me a Dew, his jeans sag low at the rear and the protruding butt-crack peaks out. We both giggle away.

By the by – Anyone else in here ever notice how much RUSH's head and profile resembles one of the concealed cheeks in the general area of the protruding butt-crack almost identically? And then when he starts ranting doesn’t it smell like that area as well? (Fair Warning Here: Once someone tells you this sub-conscious truth about Rush Humbug's 'better half' you can't look away).

Sure, they're my meal ticket but heck, they'll probably wind up apologizing to me for the bother; just like everyone else does!

Actually, rednecks like Nancy Grace have been able to leave poverty for a bitchin' job as an attorney and a trash talk show on CNN, owned by another redneck, Ted Turner.

Rush Humbug's 'Hiney Headed' View[edit]

Rush Humbug's View From the 'Treasure Bath' Peanut Gallery: "To Hooey With His Hopes! - IMHO Failure IS My Far More Profitable Option Here!" Incidentally Folks, feel free to write, call or e-mail any of my $63,000,000 dollar a year Fox News / Clear Channel Sponsors[1] I mean if you don't like it: Who Cares, really? - By all means waste their time - it's not on my dime! (After all, if I'm not bothered by it they likely won't be either!)

In any case, as they all while away the day waiting for their 63,000,000 dollar a year right wing nut hero Hiney Headed Rush to come on the boom box, I can't help but ponder: Rednecks ain't just hopped up about them black folk for nothing... Rush assures them that THEY are the problem. When's the last time Rush interviewed a black person who wasn't threatened by or beholden to him? He also hates all other nations.

And his three-card Monty Game with the GOP, the Democrats and the Independents doesn't help the redneck family pay the bills... believe it or not... they sometimes come to believe in the same concepts which the Rush Propaganda spews out daily on CNN and Clear Channel with regards to Oprah Winfrey, Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton.

Hiney Headed Rush can't stand the president's views on anything at all because Obama simply talks too much didactic sense - he experiences 'Sensibility Overload' whenever the opportunity to hear Obama's speak arises. "Democrat or RNC leader - Divided They Fall!" He hopes for failure aloud - on our own airwaves! Dare to appear to cooperate with those he opposes and face his Phony Artificial Pulpit Bathetic Tirades. This method accomplishes nothing; but clearly is his dishonorably gained bread and butter.

It's like trying to read a book with no pictures in it! Also for some odd reason he trembles at the thought of post-election success for our leader's plans and the people Obama and his VP were elected to serve as well. When it's all said and done, if the Obama team prospers, the folks might turn the dial elsewhere; or so Rush figures.

"Why help put out the fire?" After all Rush deduces, "it's always been easier to wave a flag in the face of the firefighter chief, who's speedin' towards the fire, than it is to keep scurrying away from calamity - then it is to blame those in charge for the unintentionally inherited aftermath."

"Face the roaring flames, you say? Help to gather buckets of water for those who do so without my seal of approval? I say Hooey to High Hopes." The prospect of failure on both sides of the aisle; not only profits the Wizards Hiding Behind My Curtains and their assorted agenda driven Blame our Elected Leaders Book Tours, as well as his stealthy sponsors! [[2]]

The Ditto Show Comes On[edit]

In recent years, the internet has become more accessible in The South then ever before.

Jimmy Bob sips his handy "Mountain Dew" as the program comes on the radio (Jimmy Bob pops on the headphones and offers to translate what the Man Behind the Curtain is rambling on about today):

"A sub-hoomin species (Homo sapiens rusticus) foun' in th' United States, thunk t'be a descendant of Trimenjusfoot. 'Rednecks' kin be identified by their pick 'em up trucks, gun racks on gun racks, rope, on over-alls, Budweizzu, confederate flags, "W" sticker an' chauvinist/racist attitudes. Communicashun between such creatures include th' use of wo'ds sech as "Y'all", "Yeehaw! Fry mah hide!" an' "Git-R-Done!

"The New World One-World Odor' Has Arrived at Our Southern Gates, Folks. My friends Give the Green Light to' AL Wuz an'ee buddy hot out yonder thar' - or is it jes' me again? Gore 'n sho' nuff he'll be comin round tha Holler for yer youngin's Corn Chex. After all, someone has gotta keep adding biofuel for his next Global Warm'n Confer'nce 757 World Tour. Al pro'claimz ta an'eebuddy wholisten's: "Somebuddy turn off the Sun Quick Like!"

"Rush Limbaugh Relishes Ditto Divider - "Bush's Uniter Backfired!"


"Al's Borra - fearful that them Bi-Polar Bears and Mad Cows uppin' near Socialzed Medicine Paradise Western France's aka Canadia er tired a sleepin' all winter with the heat on the NUKE setting soon. They be swimmin' in the Helter Swelter to catch an Exxon Valdez marinated otters 'fer thar' yelpin' youn'gins!' For the love of Jeesuz, would Somebudy please get Al a bathing suit, a snorkle a Cow Brain Club Sandwich for the road and a bucked of ice to wash it down with and a ride to the heleport pleeeaes!"

Jimmy Bob giggles slightly takes a long swig a Dew and continues the translation:

"Rednecks is usually see displayin' their "Southern Pride" despite Obama's comically hilarious hidin' behin'da histree of racism, slavery, an' atrocity card - thet my friends is th' staple of th' Hip Hop and Blue Collar Cable the Larry Guy a Holler'n comedians alike . Eff'n yo' stumble upon a redneck, does not enrage it, thet will result in an instant ass-kickin'. Eff'n yer black, homosexual, autistic, o' an independent woomin wif an IQ higher than 'SPAM' it is bess to git outta th' South as soon as postible, as they doesn't take kindly t'yer type."

Humbug's views on the Peoples Republic of Barney Frank's Boston Massachusetts:

"Rednecks, take it from "The Southern Command" he're at my palacial Pom Beach, Fla. studio - that Barney Fag and hiz' Bos'tun Base Buncha Flag hatin' lib'rels is th' swo'n enemies of us Proud flag pled'gin Rednecks. Nota' mention Ted Kennedy n' his good'eaton Harvard '60s Hippie, Activis Jud'gez up there in Ted Ken'nemies Terr'tory passin' out thar dad'burned con-dumbs at every public tiolert collecin' them Sperma'zoids up fer experiments in them Harvard Finan'ced Abortin' Cliniques instead a takin' the youngin's to them Trusted Churchin' preachers up 'yonder in Mass on their knees whare they truly belong! [3]

Rush Pauses for a deep Stogie Puff... The Rant Continues:

"I'm welcomin' my Fellow Red Necked Folks to tell'em all that thay be takin' out 'er at least trollin' fer them thar God Granite' Fetuzes likely to cure Teddies Head'ache, and Michael J. Fox shiver me timbers act. An' if that ain't badde' nuff they pertectin' em by grantin' visaz to them loose zipper fly snatchin' Freeloadin' Fly Girz "allegedly"[4] don't know how or when to SAY NO[5] keepin' thar legz shut long e'nuf notta git knocked up?

"N' how bout that coin grabbin' autists and foundation money raisers such as Michael J. Fox, Woody Allen or any Hebrew types, or Towel Head Types black varmints, jumping beans, slant eyes 'yellers, Muslims, dimuhkrats ('cepen fer them dimuhkrats what be rednecks they selves), communists, wimmen, rich varmints an' ejoocated varmints. Troublemakers the lot of them..."

"And that Michael J. Fox in partic'alar grinds my bones raw: He don't fool me no'way with that 'whole lotta shakin' goin on' sozialized med'cine and research handout routine!' – I hope he fails like Elvis after he went and triad to he'p them Memphis Mafia Fellers with their hands outstrached wid' gud 'eatin platefuls' a Fraid PBJ 'n Banana, until he fine-lay had nuttin' left's give but hizself back up to Jesus, rejoinin' his idenical twin brother Jesse Garon Presley and Daddy's and Momma's luvin' armz at the Gatez 'a Glory"

The Open Invite - Directions to the Real Southland Folk's:[edit]

An Average Redneck, Billy Ray Miles Cyrus-Jones Guthrey Terwillinger of Asheville, North Carolina talks to his dad/son/bro/cousin/grandpa.

"Uh commun miscunsepchun be th' idea dat rednecks only live'un da south. But ifin's ya was careful ya could jus as easlie find yo'self sha'rin a Pig Pickin' in Bakersfield, CA or eny utha rural town in eny utha state fa that mattu. Jus visit any tral'r pawk or down by 'da rivva and somebody nice'll show ya' the way. 'Specially if'n you arr'ive with a grum'blin gut and no coin and y'all see fer yerself. En Kan'na'da sum folks call 'dem bluenecks, er po' white trash but thems are Willie Nelzon luv'in North Amer'cans tu"

Daily Routine and Dining Rituals:

When a redneck wakes in the morning it commonly brushes its teeth with a fork covered in baby oil as the mouth probably already smells like somone took a deuce in it. Rednecks typically feed on roadkill, grits, McDonald's, Hardees, pawk rinds, macaroni salad, gizzards, country buffets an' KFC. Although a Redneck kin survive fo' its intire trailer-boun' exissence on these staples, they tend t'git bo'ed wif this hyar limited fare an' like t'divahsify their diet. Alternatives include Taco Bell, Burger Kin', Kittens, Beer (th' 6th Redneck grubgroup), an' thin's they killed wif their 12-guages. These thin's include but is not limited t'Postum, Raccoon, an' Hamster.

Neighborhood Class Distinctions and Subdivisions:

  • Upper Middle - one o' them double wides enna widda dish up yonder, it even had a satellite dish to pick up CMT or TBN on the TV.
  • Lower Middle - plain old sin'le trailer wit dat rattlin' screen door nobody wants to rem'ady.
  • Low Class - a Trouse (a trailer thet has been added unto {trailer-house}, y'all need 'em moved from place to place.
  • Below White Trash - Natakua, aka Spirit Water, cock plucker.

Unlike them other car'et baggin' McMansons hoomins who fight on over social status, rednecks knows whar they stan' based on their residence.

Safe handling[edit]

I have just been informed of a little known fact. Due to the shortcomings of hundreds of years of indirect confrontation, an Instant Karma likeability deficiency can be demonstrated between approximately 68.3% of all Americans in the Deep South and their counterparts in the North, East and Western areas of the Good 'Ole USA. As such, what may in civilized parts of the universe may be actually considered odd or funny; would in redneck territory risk incurring enduring friendships between Americans hailing from differing regions. For those interested in how some accomplish this, take a few minutes to see here: [6] As well as here: [7] and [8]

A Scientific Side Note[edit]

Amoung all the humbug flying around our airwaves, recently another interesting fact about rednecks has been discovered. After NASA detected an unidentified object in the upper atmosphere in orbit of Earth it was shortly determined that the object, a make-shift communications satellite (constructed out of sheet metal, plywood and duct tape) had been put into orbit by a group of Texan and coastal Floridite rednecks. These rednecks claim to have no memory of how the object was put into space, or how it is broadcasting them free HBO. [9]

After many months of close observation and studies, scientists determined that rednecks actually have amazing untapped mental and engineering abilities. This section of the brain (stored in the lower right mullet) is activated upon consumption on large amounts of country music videos! See Here: [10]

Incidentally, all kidding aside; the communications satellites we all enjoy these days did not come (to us who benefit from them) without a loss, cost and/or sacrifice: [11][12] and here as well:[13]

And don't forget this trio: [14] [15] [16]

Religion[edit] See Kid Rock [17] and don't yew go 'fergit'n Dolly Parton, y'all.[18].

Famous, Yeah...But They Shudda Been Born Down South[edit]

Famous freaks include

  • "Joe the Genetically Spasmodic Cocker" [19]
  • "His Illegitimate twin freak impersonator Blues Brother Elliot[20]
  • "Robin Williams (who incidentally killed off Elliot cause he was impersonating Joe) [21]

  • "Uh Oh, Home Land Security on the Cable the Larry Guy - Hot Line Here! Them thar' near my KFC Bucket a Road Kill over 'yonder - Wayzat? President Obama, you can smell my Road Kill Pickens over the phone - Ok I'm back... the rednecks has gottem in thar’ sights Lemme Larry and Curly Bay! Oh good, his passport was flagged! Fire up Jean Claude Van Dam and the Time Cops!"

  • "Muhammad Something or Other who's been running all over Mecca claiming Allah made him convert to the freggin' Islamic Hoodlums over in Oil Rich Mecca just because he was making the camels confused because the Moon Shadow, Moon Shadow kept following him around and the Camel Jockies kept gittin’ lost." See "yer passport CAT, if that's 'yer REEL name or we'll sake you shine the moons shadda from Guantannamoe. There now, back to 2004 you go round yer buddy the Moon Sahdder Moon!"[22]

  • "OMG OMG I sent Bubbah Clinton to the year 2050 AD or was it DC - oh well, Hillary will hardly miss, he been over flirtin' and jawin' with that oversexed intern agin? Him a hel'll looks like it's ACDC time LEMME consult the Bible - OMG it's CAT STEVENS again! What's that Cat Bill picked up an intern on the Time Machine... Please Say No More... What's that you say, he was flirting."

  • "The city of well all be packing are bags and headin over to the "I can't believe it's not BISHOR BUTTA BEN DOVER's, butter no wonder thay call that call that room where the alter boys gotta hang them red knickers up - the RECTORY, sounds like a gastrological munissions dump to me. OMG OMG BILL GATES IS Forming! - Look awaty Bill Clinton at the Historic Signing of the Eternal HealthCare For All Americans Bill whatever you do - DO NOT tough that computer mouse number HERE: (Dateline 2050 AD):[23]"

  • "Madonna - We All Hadder (then the dang dog alarm went off[24])"

Redneck Socializing Terms - Th' Langage a Gitin 'long Proper[edit]

Hick-Speak, th' official langage of rednecks is a compleks language thet only the dawgoned-est intellyjunt bein's is able t'comprehend, cuss it all t' tarnation.

  • "Squirt th' dirt" - phrase indicatin' one is a-gonna uriniate.
  • "Makin' Mud" - phrase indicatin' one has diarrhea.
  • "Hepyamaw" - a phrase used t'info'm a yo'nd chile thet their Mammy requires assistance.
  • "Y'all come back now, Y'har?"- a term used t'info'm varmints of th' next box social, which usually hosts a large number of S&M sesshuns.
  • "Jeet yet?"- loosely translated as "have yo' ett up recently?"
  • "Comeeraminit" - Th' redneck is requestin' yer assistance. Waste no time in he'pin 'em, fo' fear they will call yo' a fag, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells!
  • "Thims fightin' werds!"- th' soun' made t'initiate a jool. Th' loser perfo'ms hari-kiri, follered by a fine ol' fashion pokin'-of-the-co'pse-wif-a-stick. Shet mah mouth!
  • "Aw shit we gon miss th' Dukes"- Usually meant as a way t'info'm varmints thet their favo'ite show is about t'come on, although their is debate whether rednecks love th' Dukes Of Hazzard o' th' Masterpiece Theater mo'e outfittz.
  • Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide!" Transformer Alert! Faggots can bi-whatevers kin con'versn alle want and by all meanz we wont mind if ya' don't like to say graze prior to cleanin' out the KFC bucket, butcha' gotta wacher' toung wagon at that finger lickin' goood eatind and especially mind yer' talkin 'bout'cher intimate inti'mate inkcounters of the third kine near the dang down homefobes!

Southern Words to Northern Dialects[edit]

  • Vi-eeney weenies = Vienna Sausage
  • Tater-Tots = Potato Tots
  • Ain't (Everyone knows what that means)
  • Hunker Down = Crouch or Squat

Tube and Boombox Entertainment Options - Good Ole Boys[edit]

Folks that Hail from the Southlands That Done Good[edit]

  • "Al Gore & Tipper Gore"[27]
  • "Tennessee Voices for Children* [28]
  • *Tipper & Laura* [29]

See also[edit]

Rednecks in Popular Culture[edit]

External links[edit]

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