“Wait...these pumps are only for your feet? Whoa...never mind.”
“As a well established chav, i would have to say that reebooks are totaly spiffing”
“C'mon, we're talking about PRACTICE. I mean, how silly is that? We ain't talkin' bout the shoes, the actual shoes, the ones I go out and tie and/or inflate, no. We're talkin' bout.....PRACTICE.”
“Pump it up, pump it up....HOME-BOYYY!!”
Reebok International Inc. is an envious, bitter shoe company started by two time travelers who saw the up-and-coming sneaker company Nike Inc. taking over the sneaker market in the future, and thought to themselves, "Wow, we really gotta stop those guys. That should be US forcing kids all over the world to pillage their parents' wallets for our shoes!" No one quite knows when exactly the sneaker company officially started. Some stated 1958 but their first shoe didn't even debut until 21 years later with the release of the Aztec runners, which was designed to make simple-minded morons who wore them think they were Aztec warriors, only to cause them to catch massive beatdowns in the process. Their success, however, exploded into the 80's with the release of their shoes such as the Freestyle, the Freestyle II, the Freestyle 2.0 and of course, the famous Reebok Pump, which caused a lot of controversy for allegations of their molestation of millions of feet worldwide.
The company is still going strong as of today, and are seen as worthy competitors against other greedy sneaker corporations such as Adidas and Nike, which, besides Reebok, are your only options for athletic sneakers these days. Of course Converse doesn't count because they are now part of Nike Inc. thanks to them using their greed to buy the company for an undisclosed amount of money. Reebok's marquee endorser is point guard/hater of all things requiring practice Allen "I've Got Answers For Everything Involving Practice" Iverson, who has sold his entire soul for a lifetime contract to them, meaning that once he breaks his contract and wears those special pair of Nikes that he's been secretly craving all these years, his soul will be immediately going into eternal damnation once he passes away. Stay away from those sickle-swords of greed....ahem, uh, I mean Swooshes, Iverson.
The Start Of A New Company
Two young men, in either 1958 or 1977, depends on whatever you believe, had the ability to see into the future. They saw into the future of 1985 and noticed Nike starting to create a sneaker monopoly thanks to their golden goose Michael Jordan, who, despite being nicknamed "The Black Cat" should've been nicknamed "The Black Adder Snake" due to his tendency to stick his toungue out while pulling big moves on his opponents, but of course we can't call him that because Jordan is deathly afraid of snakes and if someone dropped one by him, someone was about to get hurt bad. Just like the time he kicked his coach's ass for dropping a fake snake in his bed as part of rookie initiation, which in turn made the coach scared enough of him to tell his players to just let Jordan have the ball and to control the team as he damn well pleases. What, you know any other ways that Jordan can put on all those spectacular shows on the court and score so many freakin' points and get away with the acrobatic moves he can do without being called for traveling and such?
Sorry, got carried away there. *cough* damn Bulls beat my Knicks *cough* Anyways, back to the story of how Reebok started. Ok, it was 1985. Adidas and Converse got their first taste of competition with the release of the first Air Jordans, and sales went through the roof, all because Jordan could simply take over a game in the shoes, repel all species of snakes in his shoes, and even beat the hell out of Santa Claus in a game of one-on-one in them. Reebok, which was then known as STOACN-FOSC, which stood for "Still Thinking Of A Catchy Name For Our Shoe Company" started getting jealous of all the attention that Nike has been taking away from the more larger sneaker companies and said, "This is bullshit! That's attention that we could be taking away from major shoe companies right now!"
If you didn't get it by now, Reebok was created and fueled solely by jealousy. Yes, you read right, jealousy.
UPDATE!!! I've just gotten word that Reebok International was indeed started in 1977 rather than 1958. Why? Well think about it, why the hell would a shoe company start all the way in the late 50's and wait until 1979 to start releasing sneakers? Come on, that just doesn't add up. And neither does Reebok's motivation for starting the company due to something that hasn't even happened yet! But of course nobody seems to give a shit, sooooo....FUCK THEM!!!
Their first sneaker was known as the Aztec. Originally released in 1979, it was designed for role-playing for those wishing to play roles of aztec warriors and such, because we all know that aztecs wore Reebok back in 1858 (another ridiculous rumor as to when the company actually started). Don't believe me? Look in all your history books. The truth will stare you in the face and then sting you in it all at the same time. Sorry.
Their first sneaker was a success, and a failure all at the same time. Many customers complained that they were beat the fuck down while wearing the shoes because some people were threatened by their realistic depictions of aztec warriors around them, and because the rest of the people just decided that they were just plain weird. However, with time came improvements, and their sneakers slowly but surely got less people beat up bit by bit, year by year, but we can't promise that right now.
Reebok didn't really get too many endoresements in the 80's, because of course they were still a new company. Duuuhh......
However, they did manage to convince the usually-Converse clad Boston Celtics to sport their newest line of basketball sneakers in the mid-80s, but out of the whole team, only three players, Dennis "DJ Den Dogg" Johnson, Kevin "Levin" McHale and Danny Ainge "This A Bitch" willingly wore the new sneakers, not because they looked good, but because they originally wanted to endorse either Nike, Converse or Adidas, but neither company was willing to pay them as much money to wear their products as Reebok. How did Reebok get them to wear their shoes? As quiet as it's kept, they actually didn't offer them large sums of money. Instead, they took each of the players' family in a boiler room and threatened to kill them all if they didn't endorse their product. Wow, talk about being desperate, huh?
But it wasn't until around 1989 when they scored their biggest endorser at the time, Dominique Wilkins. Yes, the Human fuckin' Highlight Film himself. The only one man enough to outdunk Michael "Airball" Jordan in dunk contests. Sure enough, he only won one contest against him, but that's more that I can say about him than any other sucka-ass ballplayers in the NBA who were scared to challenge him. He seemed to be the perfect endorser for their new shoe at the time, dubbed "The Pump". These shoes would molest Wilkins' feet when they would make unwanted sexual contact with them by hugging them tight when inflated, but Wilkins didn't seem to mind. In fact, the shoes might've helped him win more dunk contests later on in the 90's. It sure helped Dee Brown's little scrawny ass win the dunk contest in 1991, didn't they?
But no endorsement deal got any bigger than Allen Iverson. The Philadelphia 67ers premiere point guard signed a deal with the still-jealous-of-any-other-company-they-are-competing-with giants and was given his own signature shoes. Reebok has finally found their ace in the hole against those assholes at Nike and their asshole marquee star Jordan, who in a quest to try to take over the whole entire league, has been getting more and more evil by the season. No wait, that was his double Michael Jordam. My fault. We all know that Jordan himself would never become evil. That is, if he values his other endorsement deals with Gatorade, Wheaties, Rayovac Batteries, and even Nike........
In fact, this is probably the only reason why people still buy Reeboks today, because Iverson's no-practicing ass endorses them to this very day. Otherwise, customers would still be riding the cocks of either Nike or their now-pwned rival Converse. Well, Adidas are up there, too, but nobody seems to think that Adidas are even cool anymore, so too bad for them, At least you still have Dwight Howard!
.....wait....huh? Never mind.......
Well-Known Sneakers (aka The Obligatory Uncyclopedia List):
Well, because this is in fact a Uncyclopedia article, you know what comes next. That's right, the list. Some of you are maybe getting irate right now, thinking, "Can't we read one damned article that doesn't have a list to it!?" Well too bad beacause if you don't sit here and read the list of popular sneakers that Reebok made over the years, all they're going to do is just get all jealous, and then try to compete with all the other Uncyclopedia articles on this website. So......you might as well read it while you're here.
- The Aztec (1979): Come on, we've already talked about this shoe twice. You know how much everyone hates repetition, so just to piss everybody off, here it goes: The shoes released in 1979 for use of role-players who liked to portray themselves as aztec warriors. However, because of their tendencies to get beat the fuck down by normal people because they were either genuinely frightening or just plain weird, a lot of customers bitched about their shoes causing them so much distress....and never got their refund for them to this day.
- The Freestyle (1982): Released in the same year as the Nike Air Force 1 because they were mad that they came out with a strapped shoe before them. They designed these to compete with the Air Force 1's but forgot one important detail; that the Freestyles were aerobic/fitness shoes and the AF1 were not only named after some big-ass private plane that presidents take, but were also solely basketball shoes. How the hell do you compete with a basketball shoe using a fitness shoe!? Please, somebody clarify it and get back to me immediately about this.
- The Freestyle II (1982, again): Released during the same year that the Nike Air Force 1 and Reebok's previous project "The Freestyle" came out. Same design, same function, only they tried to slap a "Basketball Edition" label on these, despite the fact that these are still aerobic/fitness shoes. They would later get sued by legion of simple basketball fans who were dumb enough to buy into the "Basketball Edition" label of these shoes.
- The Freestyle 1.5 (1983): Released in conjunction with Apple Computers, these upgrades were implemented with new materials but were still looking like aerobic/fitness shoes nontheless. Although, some breakdancers have reluctantly started to switch from dancing in Nikes and, of course, Adidas to try these out, but these would explode on their feet when they would try those crazy air-gliding or moonwalk moves thanks to the friction that these moves caused on concrete/gym floors/portable cardbord or linoleum floors that they used in the streets while breakdancing and whatnot. It was then decried by the National Sneaker Assosiation that Reebok needs to stop trying to convince people that their Freestyle sneakers were basketball shoes. Reebok finally gave up, and just continued to market these as aerobic/fitness shoes and also admitted that their shoes weren't really upgraded, had no new material and only included the "1.5" in the shoe model name just because it sounded cool. The same can be said as for why they falsely claimed that these were released in association with Apple Computers, despite using the same damn fonts in their corporate logos. Damn copycats, I guess they were jealous of Apple because of their Motha Tektura lettering.
- BB4600 (1986): The first (legit) basketball shoe designed by Reebok. Despite having a codename of a computer processing system, the so-call technology of the shoes never quite caught on to Nike's yet, which only made them more bitter....and less inventive too.
- BB5600 (1986...still....*sigh*): These were released immediately after the BB4600 when they failed to captivate a new crowd with their famous computer code-like name. These, however looked different from the BB4600, but the fact remained that these still performed like the BB4600.....no new sneaker tech at all. And this too, only made Reebok even more bitter at Nike as well as other shoe companies.
- BB7600 (1986, WTF!?): Also known as the Alien Stompers, or to lesser known extents, "The Air Ripleys", also were endorsed by famed alien-ass kicker Lt. Ellen Ripley and released in the year 2179. Reebok were notorious for teasing the Aliens fans that the BB7600 (which were also known as Air Aliens or just plain Air because Reebok was jealous of Nike taking the "Air" title for themselves) were sneakers that were never to been seen for 150 years. However, because the sci-fi geeks were pissed at Reebok for not bringing the shoes out, Reebok (angrilly) went back to the year 2179, stole over 150,000 pairs of their own future shoes and brought them into the year 1986 when the movie came out, just to shut those annoying fanboys the hell up. They would later go on to be rereleased in the year 2003, 2005, 2007, 2008 and infinity and beyond!!
- BB6600 (1986, once more....): Also released the same year that the BB4600, BB5600 and it's little brother the BB7600 came out. These were basically high-cut versions of the BB7600 only without straps of any kind and a slightly different design, but just SLIGHTLY. These were the first basketball shoes to bring success to the basketball market for Reebok, but only one problem remained. The ankle of the shoes were so high that they reached a bit past the calf and caused a lot of basketball and/or streetball players to screw up their ankles and/or careers.
- The Pump (1989...the number....another summer....): aka Oscar Wildes' favorite sneaker despite the fact that this fool initially thought it was just another penis pump. No, the Reebok Pumps cannot make your dick any bigger, despite its' name, but it can and will molest the hell out of those sexy feet of yours with a few presses of the button found on your tongue, and you will love it. Oh, you will ALL love it so. Come on, don't be scared. All these shoes wanna do is love your feet, hug your feet, tell you how much they wanna cum all over them and...uh...never mind. This is starting to get very uncomfortable up in here.
- Any other shoe after The Pump (from 1989 to 1996): After it started being uncool to have your feet hugged/molested by the Reebok Pumps, nobody gave a damn about Reebok anymore until Allen Iverson came along. That's it.
- All the shoes Allen Iverson came out with (1996 to.....whenever the fuck he decides to stop complaining about practice): Reebok bounced back because of Allen Iverson's star power and endorsement to the brand. As well as his reluctancy to go to practice or even talk about it without feeling negative about it. Remember Iverson, how do you get to Carnegie Hall? PRACTICE MUTHAFUCKA PRACTICE!!!!
********SPOILER ALERT: The annoying repetiton will now cease......Maybe...........***********
The Pump Molestation Scandals
.......****Sorry, we lied........******
In 1989, Reebok introduced their brand new shoe "The Pump". The pump was the very first inflatable shoe that inflated around the foot like a blood-pressure cuff within a million pushes of a button located on the tongue. Despite the fact that kids, teens and even grown-ass men who still lived with their parents had to rob their parents at gunpoint in order to score the cash to get a pair of these high-priced shoes, they became the best idea since the sliced bread itself....and of course Nike's airsole technology, which is why Reebok designed The Pump; Because they were annoyed by Nike developing the airsole cushion and decided to one-up their asses by making a shoe that held air not only in the soles of their shoes, but....everywhere.
Howerver, as sales increased dramatically for Reebok, controversy reared its ugly head just as fast. In April 1990, a young man of 15, who was a star Pasketmaul player in high school, made claims that his new Reebok Pump sneakers molested his feet without their consent when he began pumping them up. He described the incident as, "disturbing. Very disturbing. The Pumps were sexually harrassing my feet. They just kept hugging them and hugging them and would continue to hug them until they let out a loud sigh when I press the release valve in the back of the shoes. When The Pumps sigh like that, that means that they have pleasured themselves onto my feet and was tired as hell, I guess."
Reebok initially declined to speak on the accusations that their Pump shoes would continuously molest their consumers' feet but in 1992, got so fed up with the accusations that they felt no other choice but to defend themselves by....being defensive. The chairman of Reebok International had this to say:
"If we've said it before, we've said it about 1.5 millions of times, Reebok International do not manufacture sneakers that could sexually assault, molest, have orgasms on, force sex upon, have unconsensual gratification with, make sexual advances to, or otherwise molest our consumers feet. Those claims are just plain ridiculous."
Then, a news reporter asked, "Why did you say that you had to repeat this 1.5 million times?"
The CEO responded, "Well, one time I was about to yet again deny these ridiculous claims until some crazed Nike fanboy who tried out our shoes for the first time came in, screamed out 'YOU LIE!" and then knocked my ass out with a pair of Air Jordans. I didn't even get to finish my angry diatribe about these allegations that day."
Eventually, it was scientifically proven the following year that Reebok Pumps actually did more help than harm. Because they have a deep desire to make sweet, hot and sexy love to your equally attractive feet, they help protect your ankles and midfoot from getting screwed up when you try to hotdog during a basketball game and do a fancy, yet complicated move to piss your coach off, but impress that girl (or guy, depending on which way you swing. Hey, if you're a guy and you're into guys, there's nothing wrong with that. I'm just sayin'...) watching you play in the stands. They also make your feet feel very loved, and really good about itself as well.
Once people got over the initial shock of shoes wanting to continuously make love to feet, sales of the Reebok Pumps escalated once again and because of this, are still being sold to this day.
Seriously, you need to get a pair of these awesome shoes. You haven't lived until you make these things hug your feet tight until it orgasms all over it, which is when you stop wearing the shoes and take them off. Don't be alarmed by the ecstatic sigh that your Reebok Pumps will let out when you press the release valve. That's perfectly normal and lets you know that The Pumps are now finished gettin' some.
However, if you've purchased a pair of Reebok Pumps and don't like your feet being sexed up by them, there are simple steps you can follow to get past this:
- First, take the shoes, and masturbate them by pushing the inflation button on the tongue many times.....with nothing in the shoes at all.
- Then, with a pair of scissors, puncture the inflated parts of the shoes until they scream (but mostly cry and sob) in agony. Depending on whether your shoe is male or female, or if they are gay or bisexual shoes, shouting obscene and disparaging comments towards their tendency to be sexually attracted to your feet are optional.
- Please note that if you stab your offending sneakers to death, this may cause them to burst out with comments such as, "I'm not the slut here, YOU ARE! You keep sleeping with these other shoes!" or "Why??? *sob* WHYYY!!? I only wanted to LOOOVE YOOOOUU!!!". This is completely normal, and should be disreguarded. Continue stabbing immediately.
- Then, with your series-4 de-atomizer (you're gonna need this for the next step. If you don't have one, steal one from a local M.I.B. agent immediately) blast your shoes into a new galaxy.
Or better yet, if you don't like shoes that hug your feet tight (and also have pleasurable orgasms on), don't even buy Reebok Pump sneakers at all, ever...you dumbass.
******SPOILER ALERT******* The repetitive nature of this particular article will now cease because this article is now over. Thanks for reading.