Reggae

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

“I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready to hear a Reggae version of Unthinkable; for now, just listen to my reggae version of 'You Don't Know My Name'”

~ Alicia Keys on reggae

“I'm Rasta, I'm Rasta, I'm Rasta”

~ Emperor Haile Selassie on marijuana
Error message - Legalise.png

the best way to understand this article is by "getting up and standing up"

Reggae is a form of music that was randomly created while smoking pot and when sean loved charmaine. It was originally introduced as a public-health measure to lower stress, active thought, and heart attack, but has since been adopted by the drug-using community to prevent intense and irreperable paranoia caused by any kind of musical direction or ingenuity.

It was so popular it drove many people to pot. He is a Pastafarian.

Origins[edit]

Contrary to commonly held but unpopular belief, reggae was not invented by popular music group UB40, but was in fact the result of a far-too-long and overly-complicated series of events that occurred in Jamaica:

Act I: God Deals A Joker[edit]

  1. Africa became a continent when the tectonic plates of the earth shattered into several shapes, some more humorous than others
  2. Following complaints from other deities that the earth was "not very exciting" (reuters), God planted some marijuana seeds in the African country of Jamaica
  3. 1000 and 50 years later, "at least two" (reuters) whales were sighted off the coast of Jamaica
  4. Fearing for their lives (possibly due to paranoia induced by Kitten Huffing) the locals used the freshly grown cannabis plants to make hemp fishnets
  5. Meanwhile in their home town of Barnsley, Bob Marley and The Whalers having heard about the "brutal cruelty towards these harmless whales" (reuters), set off at once for Jamaica to rectify the situation
  6. Upon arrival it became lucidly clear to Marley that he would have to:
    1. Find an alternative to kittens for the locals
    2. Encourage the locals to use the marijuana plants for some other purpose
    3. Become a musician for some reason
  7. The locals in a fit of rage began to play music that was heavily accented on the 1st and 3rd beats of the bar, and with rhythms so tight and accurate, that Marley could stand it no longer.
  8. INTERMISSION

Act II: God Deals The Other Joker[edit]

  1. Bob Marley and The Whalers soon discovered that the cannabis plant could be smoked
  2. Everybody had The Munchies, and as food was scarce in those days, everybody pulled together to catch and cook the whales.
  3. Marley was now many things:
    1. High
    2. Psychologically allergic to on-the-beat accents
    3. Psychologically allergic to tight and accurate rhythms
    4. Psychologically allergic to Serialism
    5. A talented and skilled musician, thanks to:
      1. The many lessons he had taken in the past few days
      2. The 'talented and skilled musician' gene that automatically made him a musical genius
      3. My producer, uh.. my agent Steve, uh... wow... who else... oh yeah, Sarah! you were right, I made it, i really made it!! ... my family... and of course to God, who none of this would have been possible without...
  4. As a result he inadvertedly created a new form of music where the accent was on the 2nd and 4th beat, and the rhythms were sloppy and far-too-laid-back-to-program-into-a-synthesizer-or-tracker, and everybody lived happily ever after
  5. Following complaints from other deities that the earth was "not very exciting" (reuters), God decided to break away the land of Jamaica from Africa and send it away into the ocean
  6. Stranded in the middle of the ocean, and with no more whales to eat, the remaining (many were killed by the last remaining (many were killed by anti-anti-whaling protestors) anti-whaling protestors) Jamaicans decided to sell their drugs and music to the world
  7. Jamaica now lies just west of Buddhism, and just east of Christianity

Characteristic Features[edit]

  • Nonsensical and often drug-induced lyrics, e.g. "Jam in, jam in, jam in, jam in, I hope you like jam in..." Jam in what, Bob? A sandwich? That's fine. A Spliff? What are you fucking crazy!?
  • An absolute disregard towards any contemporary musical developments. This includes sex, polytonality, and LSD
  • Vocals by Bob Marley (technically without him a piece of music is not actually reggae, such pieces are descriptively termed Drum and Bass due to the lack of vocals)
  • The chord progression Am, Em, Am, Em, Am, Em, Am, Em, Am, Em is very popular
  • Usually in a minor or a major key (tehnically any other key would render the piece physically impossible to listen to for a normal human being)
  • Aesthetically controlled by the weather i.e. if it is raining, reggae actually sounds like somebody scraping their nails across a blackboard, whereas when the sun comes out it sounds marginally better
  • Involves at least one musical instrument (technically without a musical instrument it would not even count as music, though there are exceptions, so technically not technically at all)
  • Intentional miss-pronunciation of words. Many reggae artists spend weeks to months carefully manipulating the pronunciation of a word so that it is the same word, but yet is spelled and sounds completly different. For Example, after 3 and a half weeks, Sean Paul twisted the word "Shaking" into the three words/sounds "sh" "a" and "kin". This word was used in this song line " She waz Sh A Kin Har Butie bahby".

Related Genres[edit]

Funk[edit]

Often mistaken as something completely unrelated to reggae, Funk is in fact almost identical to reggae in every way, except it induces an HBPM (HeartBeats Per Minute) of 130 compared with reggae's 20. The incredible difference in the amount of blood pumping around your body is due to the rhythms of the offbeat chords being so heavily syncopated. This means you never know when they're going to come, resulting in incredible suspense and shocking plot twists.

Ska[edit]

This form of music could be said to be "reggae on acid", but you would be stupid if you were to say it. Ska is actually more like "reggae trying to get off the weed", and is generally faster, brassier, and approximately 40dB louder. There is also a sub-genre called "punk ska" which is roughly akin to "reggae can't get no weed and wants to take out its frustration on its listeners". Punk Ska is one of the main types of music taught in pre-schools, as playing it only requires equipment and no actual musical skill.

It is the kind of music that you listen to and makes you want to dance around and make love to a panda named Chero-Xo. Ska is also the music everyone slaps in the face and yell out WHAT THE FUCK and slap it in the testicles. Chuck Norris officially created ska by knocking out a walrus high on dope and urine and then molested it with a toothbrush! ska has now been considered anti-american since the 1990s and has become more popular since the 1990s

Dub[edit]

Dub is a form of music where a producer superimposes Oscar Wilde quotations over an existing reggae track.Perhaps the most famous song is "Chase The Oscar Wilde Out Of Earth" by Max Romeo which was later sampled by The Prodigy. As such any users of this website will probably want to steer well clear of dub in case of Oscar Wilde Overload. There is a sub-genre called "psychedelic dub" which is more or less the same as psytrance, except that it is slowed down and simplified to such a degree that in a smoky room you can actually see the individual sound waves in the air. This visual effect is an intentional measure to keep hippies under control. Quotations within psychedelic dub must be either from Terrence McKenna or Rolf Harris.

D&B[edit]

Invented in 2003, D&B was an attempt by reggae enthusiasts to discover the meaning of life. It has been suggested that the letters 'D' and 'B' were chosen because they are the 4th and 2nd letter of the alphabet, thereby producing the number 42 in combination, but this has largely been discredited by non-fictional scientists. A more realistic suggestion is that the letters stand for "Drugs and Boredom", two of the main driving factors behind this genre's creation. D&B is exactly the same as hip hop, except about 100BPM faster. It was originally thought that by speeding up heavily syncopated rhythms to extreme levels, a gap in the space-time continium would appear, and the meaning of life would be revealed. Unfortunately whilst the former prediction holds true, the gap in fact spews an endless stream of chav-like creatures wearing hoodies intent on stealing your personal possessions, and your ability to think beyond stereotypes.

Fun Facts[edit]

  • If you listen to reggae backwards, you will become a serial rapist
  • Jamaica owns the rights to 20% of the world's reggae music, the other 80% owned by Richard Branson
  • According to a recent poll, reggae is preferable to death
  • Many famous people have been known to express their love of reggae, including Margaret Thatcher, Dennis Rodman, and Bob Marley
  • Interestingly enough, "Dub" is "Bud" spelt backwards
  • If you listen to reggae forwards, you will lose approximately 5 minutes of your life
  • If you never listen to reggae during your entire life, you get one free meal ticket in the afterlife.
  • Drum and Bass is confused with D&B exactly 900 times a week
  • Reggae, particularly ska, is the musicla bane of emo
  • I Broke The Dam
  • Reggae music was popular amongst most africans. Until rap music was invented.

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

Nuvola apps important blue.svg This template is blue because this article needs cleanup.
Please make spelling, grammar, or punctuation corrections, reorganize the content, or delete bad content and clichés so this template will cheer up.

Incorrect usage! Please sign with timestamp: {{Cleanup|~~~~~}}