Reggie Bush
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“Here Reggie, have a trophy.”
~ Strong Bad on Reggie Bush winning the Heisman
Reginald Alfred Bush III (Later changed to Reggie Bush) (February 30, 1916-December 10, 2005), was a PGA Golf champion and American football player and part time bowling instructor. He is generally recognized as the most versitile Football/Golfer tandem in the world, however this title has been disputed by both Howard "Sandman" Sims and the entire cast of the shortlived 80's sitcom Tattinger's.
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Contents |
[edit] The Beginning
Reginald's teenage years were filled with discovery and promise. He appeared on the hit TV show Star Search numerous times as a song and dance man. This is where he picked up his incredible skills he would use 47 years later in a football game against Fresno State. Unfortunately by the year 1993 (when Reginald was 13), the Gong Show went off the air. It seemed no one wanted a song and dance man anymore. Johnny Carson retired soon after.
In 1962, on his 21st birthday, Reginald Vaginalhair III changed his name to Reggie Bush and became a professional golfer. He had a very peculiar golf style: after every hole, he'd blow the course up and rape and crucify the caddies. Because of this odd style of play, people referred to him as Golfin' Reg. By the way, if you want to know why time went backwards, Reggie has the same disease as Benjamin Button.
A year later, in 1978, Reggie's golf career was over. He decided to focus on his already booming football career and enrolled at Helix High School. Reggie was later charged with murdering 23 opposing players after running over them at full speed but the charges were later dropped with the genius "If the shoe dont fit you must acquit" defense.
[edit] The Wonder Years
At the end of his high school career, Reggie Bush was one of the most recruited players for all of college football. The Pac-10, Big-10, SEC, ACC, Big East, Sun Belt, and independent powerhouse Army all tried to bring him in. Having not won a single game since 1977, Army was turned down by Bush. Suprisingly, he also refused to go to the NFL. His reason for doing so was because Pete Carroll, self-proclaimed Great Satan and arch-enemy of Robot Jesus, promised him sex, video games, and innumerable STD's from USC's corps of spoilt children. This caused great problems for Reggie because Gerald Ford, our great leader and constitutional visionary, chose to conspire with the NFL against him. They brought charges against him for draft dodging, Grand Theft Auto, and sodomy with a mouse. (The last one is actually beastiality, but nobody at the time seemed to care.) Reggie hired William Jennings Bryan to defend him because progressivism was his hobby. Reggie won (sort of) because he had to wait to play football until 2003 and still had a sodomy charge. The latter charge was dropped to being merely sodomy against a trackball.
[edit] In The Mean Time
When Reggie started to play football, he was very fast, but he also only weighed 156 pounds(13 kg). Due to his small stature, the USC Trojans had to take into account the size of football because it made Reggie topheavy. He was put on a diet of five dozen eggs to help him get large. In little more than a month, he was roughly the size of a barge. He clocked in at 345 pounds (500 kg) and could run the 40 in 3.6 seconds.
Much like O. J. Simpson, Bush is a cutback runner. Like Simpson, he slices through defenses by cutting through with razor-sharp moves. (Remember, putting O.J. Simpson in sentences about cutting and slicing does not imply that he kills people.) In his first game against the perennial Pac-10 powerhouse Washington State, he ran for over 400 yards on 3 carries, and he broke Simpson's Pac-10 record for killing players on the opposing team. (He killed four players and a graduate defense assistant, but the latter was not counted in the official record.) (The official record on killing people in one game is 11 people, it was made by the 13 year old Kobe Bryant just 3 days before he got drafted in golf not football). This stellar game was only a shadow of what he would do in the future.
On December 10, 2005, Bush vigourisly beat off fellow USC teammate Matt Leinart and Vince Young to win the prestigious Heisman Trophy. He was crushed to death under its weight.
[edit] Time with the Saints
Reggie is now touted as the greatest running back in NFL history. His stellar 3.0 yards per carry and his amazing one touchdown in eleven games shows his amazing cutting ability, and also his knack for big plays. He opens up the offense for the rest of the team. Not only did drafting Reggie make the New Orleans Saints the third best team in football behind Indianapolis and New England (according to ESPN), it has also made Drew Brees an all-star. Reggie is so talented that when he steps on the field, defenses crumble. Not only can he break anyone's ankles, he can also run faster than the speed of light, has the cure for cancer, can leap over buildings, and is George W. Bush's favorite player. Within two years, Reggie will have broken every NFL record in the recordbook and will be considered the greatest human being to ever walk the face of the Earth. A sex tape has merged with Bush and Pete Carrol. The tape shows Carrol paying Bush for sex confirming the rumor that Bush received additonal funds. In 2007, Sheldon Brown of the eagles was found guilty on murder charges after Blowing Bush's ass up in the divisional playoff game.
[edit] Trivia
- Reggie hit three first-pitch home runs in Game 6 of the 1977 World Series to lead the Yankees over the Dodgers.
- Reggie spent 18 years with the Indiana Pacers and holds NBA record for career 3-point field goals made.
- Reggie is the all-time sack leader for the Philadelphia Eagles. This and his Evangelical Christian ordination has earned him the nickname "Minister of Defense."
- Reggie was also a wide receiver for the Indianapolis Colts. He started opposite Marvin Harrison and caught passes from Peyton Manning.
- Reggie was the bassist for the critically acclaimed '60s electropop band The Archies.
- Reggie also plays the lesbian girl on Rocket Power.
- In 1992, Reginald was viciously dragged out from his truck and beaten during the Los Angeles Riots.
- Then he ate a hot dog and he then kicked Donald Trump in the stomach
- He was left temporarily blind after catching a glimpse of Chuck Norris's penis, after the incident he has been quoted as saying "Mothafuckin' White Trash Blinded me??!"
- Reggie saved the South Tower from getting hit by terrorists on September 11th, 2001.
- In his biggest accomplishment of all, Reggie Bush used to date Kim Kardashian, who is famous for having a big ass and a sex tape. What a lucky son of a bitch.
- Reggie is known to break his ankle, foot, knee, leg, or ear bone every season, and is still too fast for anyone to catch him.
- Fast food restaurants ended the drive thru when Reggie Bush began his college football career
