Regis Philbin
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“One time, I screwed his brains out.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Regis Philbin
“Hey! You aren't supposed to talk about that!”
~ Regis Philbin on Oscar Wilde's big mouth
“Sorry, but you're on my top 648 list.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Regis Philbin
Contents |
[edit] Regis 'Urethra' Philbin's early years
Regis Philbin was born in a small southern town in the United States Of America in 1321, son to Ergis Philbin, and, Ophilia Shattenberg. As a young boy, Regis took on many interests, which included but weren't limited to: tennis, baking soda, voodoo, politics, and slavery. He was married to Donald Trump at age four, but he eventually divorced him for varying reasons -- some claim it was over spousal abuse because Donald (or Donelda, as she was known back then) is a known abuser. Regis never commented on the issue, insisting "The whole marriage was more like a one night stand." It was also briefly rumored in tabloids that Regis an Carrot Top were seeing each other, but Regis denied any romantic involvement.
He also joined Mothers Against Iceland, but quit at the age of 9 due to it taking up too much of his time, which he needed to raise his illegitimate son, Larry King. It was rumored that Larry was Regis' and Francis Ford Coppola's son, but this is unverified.
[edit] The Middle Years
While he was attending St. Hugh Grant Elementary, Regis developed a friendship with future superstar, Bob Dole. The two met in Second Grade, and stayed close friends until Grade Five, when Bob had to move to Massachusetts to enslave gingers. The two were reunited in 1932, and have been in constant contact since.
[edit] The Namesake
On one chilly September morning, in 1967, Regis was waxing his brand new Smart Car, when disaster struck. A freak thunderbolt hit the tree nearby, shattering it into a thousand pieces. The force sent each and every one of the pieces in a perfectly aligned formation that gave the tree the illusion of being whole. The trunk flew on a trajectory that directly impacted Philbin's groin, resulting in the trunk flying down the whole 15 foot length of his urethra, breaking formation at the end of the passage, and splintering again. Regis needed approximately 6053 stitches to repair his urethra, but lost all five of his testicles and one of his three legs from the force of the impact.
From that day on, everyone called him Regis Urethra Philbin, Regis Urethra, or Urethra Philbin, either as a terrible reminder to be wary of unpredictable lightning strikes, or probably just to make him feel bad.
[edit] 1996 Olympics Mishap
There was a small international incident in 1996 which Regis Philbin was partly responsible for, where Philbin dropped a hot dog 600 feet up in the VIP Lounge of the Olympic Stadium in Atlanta, directly upon the path of the Goodyear Blimp], which was coming in for a government sanctioned pickup of cocaine. The blimp crashed into a school bus full of innocent orphaned children, which proceeded to dangerously hang over a conveniently placed cliff. Disaster was only averted when Larry King, Regis' bastard son, proceeded to use his tie to safely lift the children but not the bus driver to safety, who later perished and his remains were shat upon by the Greek Olympic Village.
[edit] Claim To Fame
In 2002, Regis created a show known as 'Who Wants To Be A Urethra-iare', where contestants answer mind-numbing questions in an attempt to win the grand prize, a carton full of freshly donated urethras and other various organs, obtained from Chinese orphans. The money raised from commercials and merchandising (Urethra Philbin Dolls can be found in four out of 76 American households) is donated to the Chinese Orphans Without Urethras And Various Organs Fund, which Regis founded.
Regis is currently married to Luciano Pavarotti, and has fathered a total of 48 children with him. They live a happy marriage, and someday plan on moving to Argentina to start a laama ranch.
