“I am not a doll.”
“I like pie.”
“Uh huh. Sure. Whatever. Now get on your knees!”
“Wait... let me get this straight: this chick is the mother of the main character, yet she's the same age as him? Damn, I really need to cut back on the kitten huffing.”
“I AM NOT A MACCODITY!”
“Whoa! I'll have some of whatever he's smokin'!”
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Rei is a character from the anime, Neon Genesis Evangelion. She is perhaps the most renown character in the series as she is a 14 year old albino girl that spends half the series running around naked. She has red eyes, really pale skin, and her hair is blue/gray/green/purple... um... What is her hair color anyway? Whatever. Either way, for whatever reason, this is hot to many people. This is a quality not found in most albinos, as most albinos are weird looking and unattractive. However, Rei differs from most other albinos in one major area: she is an unwed 14 year old mother. That just screams hotness. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention. She drives a giant robot that is yellow/blue/orange... um... what color is her robot anyway? Whatever. It doesn't matter, because all I'm really trying to say is that Rei is a hot 14 year old naked albino chick... that drives a giant robot.
Rei's Role in the Series
Hokay. This is how it went down. Our series starts off with Shinji, but that doesn't matter. All that matters is that he is being stalked by Rei. However, as any anime nerd will tell you, this makes no sense because in the next scene, we find Rei all bandaged up and shit from getting hurt by her robot. The whole bandage thing, of course, was put in as fanservice for the sick people that are into that kinda thing. Either way, Rei gets all better and Shinji starts to fall in love with her. Which is really really gross seeing as Rei is really his mother from some weird shit involving clones, death, and giant robots called Eva's which were early attempts at creating Chobits. Of course, the whole incest thing was put in again as fanservice for said guys. Those bastards. Their hot moms should give them a spankings... a hot, wet spankings.
Anyway, back to Rei. So, Rei can do many things with her robot, including beating up angels, head banging, and starring in weird hentai's. I mean, stuff you wouldn't imagine. Tentacles, angels, dummy plugs, the list goes on. For instance, Rei had to fight a giant tentacle monster for the 16th angel. Of course, you know where this is going. It was hot and sexy for a while, but then she orgasmed which caused a nuclear reaction which annihilated everything within a 5mi. radius, including herself. Say, did I mention Rei dies more than once? No? Kinda forgot to mention that. Yeah, there's more than one rei, because she was cloned from Shinji's mom. Gendo just happens to like having a steady supply of underage girls whenever he needs them. He happened to have one that he wasn't using at the time, so they brought her back to life. As usual, though, she was in bandages. A little later, the series ends and leaves everyone questioning their sanity. Rei shows up in the ending as a total bimbo in a 5min. segment, which people found rather alarming. But hey. At least we got to see her panties in a scene that wasn't completely creepy and depressing. The End.
Rei's Role in the Movie
Okay, so I lied. Not The End. Big Deal. You wanna fight about it? Yeah I thought so... pussy! Anyway, people hated the original ending because they felt they didn't get their daily dosage of Naked Rei. This resulted in World War III... or to be more accurate, a whole new ending. Anno Hideki, having just finished shooting up, was asked to make a new movie to end the constant attack from angry fan mail... I don't know why anyone would be scared of mail, though... I guess they could give you a papercut or something. Either way, Anno Hideki was too high to know what he was doing, so he agreed. Under the agreement that he'd have a constant supply of crack. And so, production started.
Our movie starts off with shinji masturbating on Asuka. But once again, No one cares. All that matters is that Rei is walking around naked the entire time, following Gendo for whatever reason. Something about mass produced evas comes up, and kill a hot red hair german bitch. A little later, Rei walks up to the second angel, lilith. Then Gendo tries fingering her, so she chops off his hand and walks off saying, "Yeah, who's the doll now, BITCH!? Huh? HUH!?" She then... um, morphs (I don't understand it either)... with the angel and turns into a giant 14 year old white naked chick... a Reingel, if you will. So, then this Reingel goes and uses what seems to be Kage Bunshin no Jutsu which creates a jillion billion more Rei's (as if there wasn't already enough), and these Rei's all proceeded to use a transformation jutsu and seduce everyone in the world to the point of turning into tang. She then decides to scare the shit out of Shinji by turning into the mass produced evas also. She then turns into a man (WTF!?) and puts Shinji into some sort of a dream sequence while a crappy and weird song plays. Either way, she has sex with Shinji in this dream. But don't worry: it's in spirit, not in body. So it makes everyone happy, including people that are all like, "Eewww... the dude's screwing his mom!" and the people that are all like, "Yaaay! The dude's screwing his mom!". A little later, the Reingel's eye explodes, she's decapitated, and her head is cut in half as she crashes into the earth, along with all the mini eva Rei's. So in the end, the world's all destroyed, Asuka and Shinji are still alive, and everyone in the audience is all like, "WTF!? Is Asuka pregnant? Is she all three of the girls mixed together? Are they the only two people left on earth?" But the answer to all of those and more questions is a simple, "No. You're an idiot. Please die." The End... I think... until Neon Genesis Evangelion: Retake, where everyone gets to see Rei totally spaz out.
Rei in Other Media
As mentioned earlier in the movie, Rei Ayanami had used Kage Bunshin no Jutsu to make a jillion billion Rei's. However, not all of them had disappeared after Rei died (or did she?). They had a whole storage room full of Rei Ayanami's that were to never to see the light of day again (if you ever want to find them, which I know half of you perverts do, just look in the warehouse right next to the one where Indiana Jones hid the Lost Ark). Most of them are still there, but a few of them have managed to escape. Ever since, they have been constantly showing up in other medias, but mostly animes. She does occasionally change her appearance ever so slightly, ie. changing her hair, or growing a mole, but she is still recognizable. I would do you the favor of listing all the places that she has shown up, but the list is too long. I'd get bored and never finish writing it. Hell, it's enough of a surprise that I'm even finishing this very sentence, as my attention span is, HEY! Look! Dragonball Z is on! Alright!
Um... where was I? Oh yeah. If you come across Rei Ayanami, stay calm and do not move. Do not confront her, as she is irrational and deadly. Do not even look at her, as she may just kill you for the fun of it. If you should happen to stumble across her, please call this number now. 1-555-277-3223. Together, we can defeat this menace!
Rei didn't have a childhood. Did you forget? She wasn't born, she wasn't conceived in a womb. Hell, it's surprising enough she still has a belly button. What's with that anyway? Oh, what, you think you know? Huh? HUH!? Then why aren't YOU writing this goddamn page? (F*cking dike)... Still, I guess you could say she had a childhood, but anytime you're choked to death at the age of 3, when you were created only a week ago, I wouldn't call that a childhood.
If you actually watched the anime (you didn't did you?), then you would know that Rei died several times. Here's a brief overview of all the times Rei died:
- Rei I...... Choked to death by Ritsuko's mom
- Rei 2...... Blew up to destroy 16th Angel
- Rei III.... Third Impact
- Rei IV..... Slipped on a newly waxed floor
- Rei V...... Huffed an orange kitten (the orange ones fuck you up)
- Rei VI..... Lawn mowing accident
- Rei VII.... Hit by a car
- Rei VIII... Hit by lightning
- Rei IX..... Hit by Rick James, bitch!
- Rei X...... Wanted to see if she could fall faster than her own loogie
- Rei XI..... Roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris
- Rei XII.... Mistaken for lunch meat and served for lunch that day.
- Rei 13..... Fell off that one really long escalator at NERV
- Rei XIV.... Bus crash
- Rei XV..... Drowned in her own test tube
- Rei 2000... Spartan Laser
- Rei X-Seven Killed by her evil clone (most people have one, she has five or six)
- Rei X8..... Went to the opening night of "Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones"
- Rei XIX.... Died of natural causes... but the issue's still in court
- Rei XX..... Pyrotechnical error
- Rei 21..... OD'd on speed
- Rei 22..... Not in Kansas anymore
- Rei 23..... Bumped into a MissingNo. the wrong way (or maybe it was an 'M)
- Rei XXIV... Chuck Norris
- Rei 25..... Crushed in a riot after the Yankees won at Boston
Rei's love life
Rei's love life is really boring. You probably don't want to hear all the hot and spicy details that don't exsist. Buuuuut, if you insist... Rei Ayanami, in the 14 years of her life, has had more sex than probably any other person on the world, as she killed everyone in the world except Shinji and Asuka who are both virgins. But even before that, she was still pretty high on the list, second only to Chuck Norris. Of course, that was because she has all of those god damn clones. She first had sex with Kaworu before he even had screen time. She then did Toji, Pen-Pen, and that one Nerdy kid that no one likes. She then screwed all of the members of Nerv except Shinji in what was perhaps the world's third largest orgy, only to be beaten by the U.S. Presidential Election in 2000 (you won't ever see that mentioned in the papers) and Gandhi's Salt March to the Sea . Then she screwed Shinji. Surprisingly enough, though, she never actually had sex with Gendo, despite the fact she was always walking around naked next to him. She always conveniently, "had a headache", "was feeling under the weather", or "was on the rag" despite the fact she was infertile. She even said said something about having to meet a a ghost somewhere or something like that. What a whore.
10 Reason's Why Rei is Jesus or God
This list right here is substantial evidence that Rei was either Jesus or God. Maybe even a mix of the two: A Super Jesus, if you will.
- Rei can walk on water.
- Rei doesn't really have a father.
- Rei seems to show up everywhere... especially in Mexico.
- Rei has three beings: A child, as spirit, and a school girl.
- No matter how many times you kill Rei, she comes back to life.
- People tend to obsess over Rei.
- Rei isn't really human.
- Rei has the soul of a greater being.
- Rei kinda has that omnipresence thing going on.
- The more people believe in Rei, the less of a sense of humor they have
As everybody knows, Rei goes on a long and boring monologue on absolutely nothing in episode 14. Many students have copied it and turned in for as their own work for their English classes for an easy grade. Of course, this always fails because the poem sucks so bad, they would have been better off just turning nothing in. But because people are stupid, they're gonna to do it anyway. And so, I have decided to do them the favor of providing the material for failing the class even faster by posting it here for them.
"Mountains. Heavy are her mountains. That chick has a nice rack. Sky... Blue sky. What your eyes can't see. You are going blind. I told not to drink that thermometer. Son of a bitch... you are one. Water... you waiting for? Captain Crunch? Flowers... They're like your penis. So many useless. Red Sky... Red, red sky... Gendo's glasses make my head hurt. Water flowing. Blood... smells like your mom. A woman who never bleeds. From red earth comes a devil, from hell. Born of the devil and a goat are you. Nachos... a human creation. Eva... it's a giant robot. What are you? An idiot? Did your father drop you as a baby? The penis mightier than the sword. A restroom, the porcelain throne. Who is this? I hope it's Santa! I've been mostly good this year! All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. I am a doctor. Don't worry, this is all legal. I'm allowed to touch you there. Ew. The Prime minister's face. So full of wrinkles. It seems almost as if it is melting. How strange... I can no longer see my toes. My fine shape is fading. I really need to exercise more. I feel as though someone is stalking me. Who is it? Ikari? What are you doing with that chloroform? I know this person. He is Mr. Rogers. Wait a second: didn't he die already? Check out this zit. Does it look infected to you? Captain Crunch? What the Fuck!? What the Fuck!? What the Fuck!?"