Repo Code
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The Repo Code refers to a complex conspiracy theory put forth by J.K. Rowling that the Holy Grail, believed by most to be the cup or chalice from and into which the Jesii all drank and backwashed into during the Last Supper, is not a cup at all, but a man: former automobile repossessor, blow-snorting actor Harry Dean Stanton.
The theory first surfaced in Rowling's steamy, yet tender and sensual 1945 debut novel, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Citizens on Patrol. In a footnote to Chapter 11, "Harry wins the sodding Quidditch match at the last second, big surprise that," Rowling almost causally mentions a handjob she once gave to Jesus H. Christ in the men's room of a Popeye's Fried Chicken restaurant in Hitler, North Dakota. At the moment of His transubstantiation, Jesus, his guard down, blurted out several secrets of the universe to young Rowling, who quickly scribbled them down on her waitress' checkpad (no, using the other hand, obviously) and teleported to Interzone. There, William S. Burroughs, the 43rd Dalai Lama of Earth-Squadron, a world parked parallel to our own and peopled with startlingly original characters found only in the Marvel Universe, revealed to her the truth about our Secret Australopithecine Overlords.
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[edit] The Truth
It has nothing to do with the Matrix, don't worry. The truth, as revealed to Rowling, is that all conspiracy theories are by definition false, and that things are exactly as they seem all the time and there are no hidden explanations for anything. The impact of this non-revelation really fucked her shit up and she spent the next 17 years wandering as a beggar across Southwest Asia and the Middle West, waiting for the Resurrection.
[edit] The Holy Grail: Harry Dean Stanton
Finally, at her wit and rope's ends, she met the man who would give her both peace of mind and a sense of purpose: popular character actor Harry Dean Stanton. The two met through a television set in a Howard Johnson's motel room in Ulaanbataar, Mongolia; Rowling was huddled under the covers for warmth, trying to ignore the snoring of the yak who was sharing her bed, and Stanton had starred twenty-one years earlier in the Fritz Lang film, Paris, Texas, which was now being broadcast on the motel's in-house porn channel. It was an encounter neither of them would ever forget, or, in Stanton's case, remember or even know about.
Stanton, through poignant silences, knowing glances in the direction of the camera, and a series of tics and gestures made with shaky hands, confirmed the truth of Burroughs' words. There was no revelation, no prophecy but what we make. We are alone in the Universe. Also, that he was the Holy Grail. That one was actually sorta true. He did, however, emphatically deny that Soylent Green is people, although carbon-dating has since repudiated this claim.
[edit] The Repo Code
[edit] Consequentially
After publishing her claims, Rowling met with a storm of controversy, not so much over the contents of her book but her liberal usage of certain performance-enhancement substances prior to her stunning record win of the Newbery Medal. After confessing to drinking several cans of Coke while writing, she was stripped of her medal.
Today J.K. Rowling lives and works somewhere in the United States. After A. A. Milne issued a fatwa on her in 2018, she changed her name and is now in hiding, in fear of her life. According to Wikipedia, her address is: 124 Renal Failure Boulevard, Apartment 4C, Glasscock, Massachusetts, 10009, and she always has time for fans who might drop by. Please knock first before entering, the chain lock is broken and she's a heavy sleeper.
The whereabouts of Harry Dean Stanton, if indeed he ever existed in the first place, remain commonly known.
