Revelations

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"Just don't say "Hello Sailor!" and everything will be fine."

~ A Grue on Revelations

“The joke's on them, I was drunk off my ass when I wrote that. Not a word is true... ”

~ Chuck Norris on The Book of Revelation.

The Revelation of The Apostle John as Told By Jesus Christ about the Final Days of the End Times in which Man is consumed by the Fires of Armageddon in which all manner of trippy things happen is the last book of the Bible (assuming you ignore pseudo-sequels such as The Quran and The Book of Mormon).

The end times that are spoken of are an allegory for the Roman Empire, and a prophecy that is believed to start on May 19, 2005 and end January 1, 2035.

The main revelation in Revelations is the coming of Ultra Jesus, who will cleanse the world of humans when the seven keys of the seven lions are held:

And I looked, and behold a white cloud, and upon the cloud one sat like unto the Son of man, 
having on his head a golden crown, and in his hand a sharp sickle.  

His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were 
as a flame of fire;

And his feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace; and his voice 
as the sound of many waters.

And he had in his right hand seven stars: and out of his mouth went a sharp 
two-edged sword: and his countenance was as the sun shineth in his strength.

And when I saw him, I fell at his feet as dead. And he laid his right hand upon me, 
saying  unto me, Fear not; I am the first and the last:

I am he that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; 
and have the keys of hell and of death.

Write the things which thou hast seen, and the things which are, 
and the things which shall be hereafter;

The mystery of the seven stars which thou sawest in my right hand, 
and the seven golden candlesticks. 

The seven stars are the angels of the seven churches: and the seven candlesticks   
which thou sawest are the seven churches.

The seven trumpets which play the Jeopardy theme song in the seven churches
and giveth the seven answers which must be in the form of a question.

There is also mention of the False Jesus, but no mention of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, who is presumably dead by this time.

The seven key holders must first... Wait, I thought there were only five. That's wierd.

The seven candlesticks represent the seven continents, with each flame representing human life. The seven stars represent the plague that must be cleansed in an epic no holds barred death match, as Ultra Jesus, like a sort of Ultraman-Godzilla hybrid, stomps across the land to bring redemption to all. This is the actual plot of Left Behind.

The seven churches are Mormon, Scientology, Jehovah's Witnesses, Communisim, the KKK, the Bush administration, and Discordianism.


Fringe theories[edit]

Several fringe theorists interpret the prophecy of Revelations other than it should be. Is the 'Son of Man really a new, super powerful brass-encrusted Jesus? Or he is just the son of some man, somewhere? The Nephilim, also called the Sons of Man, are perhaps aliens who fertilized the human race to create alien-human hybrid shapechangers, who would go on to battle Xenu. Or perhaps he even writes on Uncyclopedia. It's hard to say.

Others note that the word Anti-Christ is never actually mentioned. This has lead some to doubt the words of Marilyn Manson and Donnie Osmond, two proponents of Anti-Christ theory.

Either way, Revelations is an entirely factual vision made by a reliable author. It was not in any way induced by psychedelics, stress related hallucinations, or weird dreams due to eating too much before bedtime.

Revelations is also a song written by Iron Maiden, the 666th element found by Steve Harris. The song is supposedly about a book (Something about a... Bible or some gibberish), though it must be about a mystery story, because I don't know what the hell it's about. I mean, come on! Who's gonna know what a metaphorical serpent's kiss is?

"It's in Revelations, people!"

~ Douglas Adams on Revelations