Reverse vampire
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Originating from Tansylvania, a small town near Rachel, Nevada, reverse vampires are minions of the King of the Unliving and have all the powers of a diseased dirty sock. They usually are either lactose intolerant or are vegetarians and always live with their mommies (they never get married so this means that normally only up to 18 of them live in one 2 ft. by 4 ft. by 5 ft. room at any one given moment. They originated in Antarctica but by the late 1700's invaded North America (they helped the Americans out in the American Revolutionary War), Japan, Wales, Flemmland, and even Mexico City! Insider information[1] says they will also attempt to invade the moon by the year -9740271.59268 (negative nine million seven hundred forty thousand two hundred seventy one point five nine two six eight). They are known to crave light in general but especially that of the sun.[2]
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[edit] Powers
They are able to exist on the 500th dimension but under normal circumstances only operate on the 1st, 2nd, 4rth, and (when pressed) pth dimensions. They often campaign for equal rights for Rednecks, brown-nosers, and onions in the American and Scottish political and legal systems. They are immune to garlic (but still are annoyed by the smell of the people weilding it) and are impenetrable to any known form house molding.[3] They also can cast magic missile (they borrowed the power from D&D) on the darkness that surrounds them and automatically do at least 2d6+4 damage with there Embroidered Scarf attack. They can speak dolphin, speak Polish and brainwash worms to dig small tunnels for them at will. They can overshadow any physical object except humans but prefer tomatoes, crack plants, and, most noteably, school buses (when ever there bus driver is not vigilent they take control and kidnap everyone in the school buses). They can float like seals. They have an IQ of infinity. Thay can become invisible, intangible, unlegible, inelligible and are able to be seen in mirrors. Can hold their breaths for a really long time. Their breath smells bad. Can walk on water. Can turn water to wine.
Recent, contrdictory to the above, reports from top scientists like Paris Hilton, Newton, a turtle, and some dude claim that the only powers a RV can have is the ability to be a bus and to be impenetrable.
[edit] Weaknesses
They're only known weakness is spoons but only if they were forged in the fiery pits of the slumbering Dragonzombieghost (known as Simba Jr.) found in the pits of a star 40000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 light years away from where you currently are (no matter where you are...haaaa...you're screwed). Also it has to be wielded by a 30 year old virgin named Marcy who happens to be your best friends neighbor and who can balance a bowling ball on her nose for 10m hours straight while remaining on the surface of the Earth.
[edit] Enemies
- They dislike leprechauns. But, hey! Doesn't everybody?
- Dracula.
- moths
- kitten huffers
- pop quizzes
- percents
- needles, blood, and more abstractly doctors/nurses
- the truth
- the current Dungeon Master.
- Narnia
- Ziggy Stardust.
- Greece, Greeks, or anyone/anything that has anything to do with anything to do with Greece.
- Wikipedia
- they are scared of Brits and people from Switzerland.
- Condoms
- People who can't add or spell three-lettered words correctly.
- Shake from the Aqua Teen Hunger Force
- People who enjoy any kind of shake.
- Aloneness
- People who read. (If you even read one word in your entire life- they don't like you.)
- Things that don't like other things.
- Anything that has ever used the letters: P, E, G, Q, 8, or even Joker.
- Things that fear other things.
- Politicians.
- Oprah Winfrey
- the Lottery.
- Nerds.
- People who use incorrect grammar/slang.
- People who read/write about them. Especially on the internet. And megaspecially on Uncyclopedia.
- SOmeone who does stupid things with their fingers (for example: nail-biting, thumb-sucking, thumb-twiddling, finger exercisers, spasmatic twitchers, pull-my-finger-maniacs, fat finger owners, people with green thumbs, drooling, those who have extra digits, etc.)
- Mathematicians, list-writers, and people who heard of a man named Shakespeare.
- Anyone who doesn't enjoy Sex in the City (see below).
- You. For just being yourself (you're supposed to be a bandwagon-jumper!) and for muiltible otherr reasons (see rest of list).
[edit] Life
They can either be produced from the sexual union of a lamp (must be 60 watt or more) and a chicken or can be "pure-bread" by one regurgitating a loaf of wheat bread that has been under digestion for three days to six weeks (they have a very slow metabolism). They are usually born in a litter of six and after three births the mother automatically goes into menopause prohibiting any further reproduction.
At the age of 16 they are legally declared retarded in all 93 states and several districts of Canada, have a fondness for leetspeaking and hacking start developping, and hit puberty.
For the next 170 years or so they work multible shifts at fast-food restaurants trying to earn enough money to retire and then spend the rest of their Unliving "lives" trying to find a spouse and please there master until they crumble into dust and a pile of bug-filled intestines.
[edit] Impact on world culture
[edit] Ancient culture
The famous reverse vampire Throvengarf McKee Munkle was the one who dressed up as the ones now called Jesus, Moses, Buhda, Noah, Archimedes, and the Martian classic writer J.Q. Pwning.
[edit] Impact on Modern Culture
There is a cult that follows them. Who are they? Don't scream. Look behind you and find out. (Nobody behind you? That is what they want you to think...)
Also, you know that annoying little kid who dressed up as the bed-sheet ghost last Halloween? That was one too.
Master Harold van B8s (commonly called Master B8s) also runs your favourite television channel and wrote the plot outline for Family Guy, Futurama, and Sex in the City.
