Revolver Ocelot

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No, he's not Omar Sharif

Adamska Ivan "Shalashackalackasaska" Ocelotovich is a two or three generations old sovietic pain in the ass that pisses a lot of people off either by robbing their body parts (Like he did to Liquid Snake) or doing worse things like shooting their mother, pet, girlfriend/boyfriend, eye, or betraying peoples' trust, borrowing/stealing their car, bike, or Metal Gear, entering their airplane while they try to escape the URRS with the Russians shooting at them while said airplane is headed directly towards a wall of mountains, or doing all above at the same time. He is not an ocelot revolving. That jerk.

Ocelot is currently a member of the boyband group FOXHOUND.

Family[edit]

  • The Boss (REAL mother; "killed by Big Boss, only because she had to sacrifice herself to save the universe. I cried.")
  • The Sorrow (REAL? father)
  • Chuck Norris (other possible REAL father)
  • Boomer Kuwanger (Ocelot's Half Brother, Navy SEAL)

Arsenal[edit]

  • Marakov (fucked up with that one, tough)
  • Single Action Army (It has six bullets. That's apparently more than enough to kill anything that moves. Wouldn't that contradict the use of any other weapons?)
  • Metal Gears (He always steals those things.)
  • Dobermans (A good thing about dobermans: if they catch you, you die quickly.)
  • Gesture (what the f-...did he point at me or something?)

Betraying Habit[edit]

No.


This is no ordinary fucking habit.


The amount of times that Ocelot has triple-crossed people--or most easier to round up--nations is equivalent to just below the line to "infinity". Not even including quadruple-crossing or quintuple-crossing and so on. Holy. Motherfucking. Shit.
The highest amount was two-thousand-sixty-seven-crossing, which included the population of North America, Asia, Europe, Australia, Antarctica, and Africa in the year 1944, the day he was god damn born.

Between sectuple-crossing his mom, or an entire continent, these seem to look like either accidents or he can't fucking make up his mind. But to tell the truth, it isn't really him. The real guy is... well, a supernatural group called The Pattersons.


      • UPDATE***

Ocelot has recently come forth admiting that he suffers from a non curable and non-communicable disease known as "Chronic Backstabbing Disorder", or CBD. He controls it by using an inhaler, while shooting a person in the opposite direction he was facing.

Ocelot and Operation Food Eater[edit]

During Operation Food Eater, Ocelot served as a triple double agent for no less than seven countries, three of them being Russia. While performing his spy duties, Ocelot encountered Naked Snake (known later as Big Boss, or, to his enemies as "What was that noi-"), who handed him and his group of forty-seven soldiers their asses using only his face. After throwing Ocelot down, Snake bitchslapped him, told him to use a revolver from now on, and then ordered him to open his mouth so that he could spit in it. Just because he's a jerk, he shot Snake's eye out, but Snake didn't care. At the very end of the mission, he jumped into Snake's plane, attempting to be annoying. However, before he could manage to say a word, Snake kicked him in the balls and made an insulting quip about revolvers and Elroy Jetson. Distressed by this incisive remark and the incredibly painful dong-strike, Ocelot dived into the waters below, vowing that he would one day successfully annoy Big Boss, that jerk.

After intensive training in the Russian Kick-Your-Ass Corps and continued convoluted spy work, Ocelot decided to join the top secret agency that had been founded by his rival, Big Boss: FOXHOUND. The leader of this elite group was none other than Big Boss' clone, Liquid Snake, who looked exactly like the man that once mocked Ocelot's taste in cartoons, except with inexplicably blonde hair and a British accent. Luckily, Ocelot knew that blondes have all the fun, and started to conjure up a plan in his shrewd, old man brain to quadruple-cross like a million people for no reason, when Liquid suggested starting what was to be known as the Shadow Mosen Awkward Situation.

Ocelot and the Shadow Mosen Awkward Situation[edit]

During the happenings at Shadow Mosen, Ocelot spent most of his time following Liquid around the secret industrial compound that held the formidable Metal Gear Robot Dinosaur, trying to annoy him. However, Liquid kept going on about his clone brother, Solid Snake, who was badassing his way around the complex at an alarming speed. A confused Ocelot, torn between annoying Liquid Snake or annoying the Big Boss-like Solid Snake, stormed away to find an empty room where he could ponder without anyone seeing him. He had to settle for the room that held Armstech President Kenneth Baker, since every other room and corridor was guarded by genomically-enhanced genome soldiers.

Ocelot explained his predicament to the gangster Baker, who pondered for a while and then announced to Ocelot that he was an "idiot." Suddenly, none other than Solid Snake walked through a weak section of wall. In what became a fierce and epic battle, Ocelot and Snake duked it out with their respective handguns, fighting to an utter standstill. After seven consecutive minutes of nonstop bullet-shooting, Ocelot announced that he was about to crank it up to Ocelot, Level Two. However, occuring at that instant, an occurance that occurred to neither of them, nor could they have expected to occur, occurred.

Level Two!

The cyborg ninja Gray Fox (also known as Frank), mistaking Ocelot's old, wrinkled, ghostly-white manflesh for a hunk of tofu, hungrily cut off the lovesick Russian's arm. Realizing his mistake, the ninja apologized awkwardly and jumped berserk-style out of the room. Ocelot, covered with a mixture of blood and tears, ran away to Liquid, hoping to play the pity card and possibly get some action as a result. To his dismay, Liquid merely washed, bandaged, and kissed his wound to make the boo-boo all better. Ocelot retired to his room for several hours, during which he learned how to masturbate with his left hand, since the stump that was once his right hand was ill-suited for the task.

Ocelot's dreams were made real when Snake was captured by Sniper Wolf. He quickly created a strict torture regimen which involved strapping Snake to a bed and then tickling him with feathers with a diabolical machine capable of tickling at speeds hitherto thought to be impossible. Sadly, Snake managed to escape by walking through the glass windows of his cell before any of the serious tickling occurred. A desparate Ocelot tried to charm Liquid with his debonair wit, but Liquid interrupted Ocelot with a brief tirade on how he was going to kill Snake. He then headed for the steel uterus that was Metal Gear Robot Dinosaur's birthplace, leaving Ocelot standing by himself, eyes cast downwards in unspeakable sorrow.

Of course, Liquid and Solid Snake, being clones of the same person, were equal matches (except Liquid was the superior clone, genes wise). However, during the climax of their battle, Liquid died mysteriously at the hands of the STD: FoxDie, which he mysteriously caught from Solid Snake. He then called the President (since Ocelot was a quadruple agent for seventeen different interests) and gave him the information pertaining to Shadow Mosen. It was at this time that President George Sears revealed himself to be another clone of Big Boss, Solidus Snake. He then offered Ocelot a super secret job that would make them best friends. Ocelot, pants messed and overcome with emotion, accepted.

Revolver Ocelot, after a visit to Lego Island

Ocelot and the Tanker Incident[edit]

Two years passed since Ocelot's involvement in Shadow Mosen. During this time, he was in the company of Solidus Snake, flirting with him almost constantly. Solidus had been kicked out of the Presidency due to random acts of douchebaggery, among them secretly ordering the creation of Metal Gear Robot Dinosaur, which was a big no-no. Anyways, Solidus, like his brothers and pappy before him, took absolutely no notice of Ocelot's seductive nature. He offered to help Ocelot get his arm back, but Ocelot lied and said that the late Gray Fox had eaten it. He did, however, have Liquid Snake's arm preserved in a glass jar as a testament to the love that could have been. Solidus, who was kinda creeped out about Ocelot keeping his clone brother's arm in a jar, agreed to let Ocelot go to France to have the arm grafted to his body. Ocelot was alive with glee, for now a piece of his dead romance was with him forever in the form of a sick, rotting zombie arm.

Though he was happy being a lackey for Solidus, Ocelot was also a secret messenger for the equally secret organization, the Pattersons. The Pattersons entrusted Ocelot with stealing the prototype Metal Gear that the Marines were developing, known as Everybody Loves Metal Gear Raymond. The reason behind this was because the Pattersons were developing a Metal Gear themselves, called Arsenal Gear GEAR, which they were going to use to control the Internet tubes and the minds of infants. Ocelot was all for this because he hates children due to their short statures. This strange phobia may be related to the numerous tragedies that he faced early in life, or maybe he's just an irrationally cruel bastard.

After sneaking onto the tanker with his super good pal, Sergei Gurlukovich, and his Russian soldiers, Ocelot interrupted Major Scott Dolph's Powerpoint Presentation on Metal Gear Raymond. Then, like the septuple agent he is, Ocelot decided to steal Metal Gear and not share it with Sergei and help him rebuild Russia because, as he pointed out to Sergei, that would be a totally dumbass idea. He then shot Scott and Gurlukovich with one bullet and jumped into Metal Gear. However, just as he was about to escape, Solid Snake popped out of nowhere and started to ninja-kick his way towards Metal Gear. Ocelot was taken aback at this development, and was even more taken aback when Liquid Snake forcibly pushed into the forefront of his mind and took over Ocelot's body through his gross, zombified arm. He used Ocelot to spout a litany of swears at Snake and then sank the tanker. Ocelot eventually gained control and brought the Metal Gear back to the Pattersons, who rewarded him with a bucket of KFC and a whole mess of biscuits.

Ocelot after the Tanker Incident[edit]

After the tanker event had unfolded, Ocelot spent most of his time trying to woo the oblivious Solidus Snake, who was forced to wade through a sea of compliments every time he so much as breathed. Thinking that Ocelot was merely acting grateful for paying the exorbitant doctor's bill that accompanied his arm transplant, Solidus took little notice of this, instead planning what would become a grandiose scheme involving Arsenal Gear GEAR, the offshore facility Frickin' Huge Shell, a slew of Metal Gear Raymonds, his comrades-in-arms from his presidential days, and a basketful of kittens, fresh from their daily slaughter.

Solidus spent much of the next few months having "alone time", during which he plotted, schemed, and made frantic-style passes at Fortune, one of his accomplices in his master plan. After witnessing a scene where Solidus made Fortune giggle by parodying a Minnesotan accent, Ocelot became infuriated and ran off to his loft bedroom in tears. Since there was no door to slam in a violent fashion, Ocelot instead channeled his angst into calling the Pattersons to tattletale on Solidus. He left a message on their answering machine, telling them all about Solidus' plan to hijack Arsenal and destroy the Pattersons once and for all. He then thanked them for the fresh pineapple that they sent him for his birthday, which he had prepared and consumed a fortnight earlier.

The Pattersons returned the call the next day, telling Ocelot not to worry and to go along with Solidus' plan. Confused and suffering from the early stages of dementia, Ocelot asked why this was a good idea, but the Pattersons merely laughed hysterically and hung up the phone. Ocelot figured that they were drunk and continued to sulk about the place, until one day Solidus rounded him up, along with longtime allies Vamp, Fortune, and Skater McFatty to kick the crap out of the presidential delegation that was touring Frickin' Huge Shell at the time and take the enticing jewel known as Arsenal Gear GEAR.

Ocelot and the Frickin' Huge Shell[edit]

After subduing the various guards and hostages and securing the Shell, Solidus and his team attempted to find the nuclear launch codes necessary to make Arsenal something other than a huge thing that can float. It was at this point that Ocelot realized that he had left the kittens, which were integral to their dire plans, somewhere in the other Shell. Excusing himself from the room under the pretense of having an irritable bowel as a result of eating too many Choco Tacos, Ocelot hurried to the other end of the Frickin' Huge Shell in a panic, hoping beyond hope that none of the hostages had eaten the kittens.

Ocelot's long, sleek, aerodynamic legs allowed him to get to the hostage area with time to spare. Once there, he noticed that one of the Russian guards was talking to the President's advisor, Mr. Amish. Adopting the most menacing facial expression possible, Ocelot headed for the two chatty Cathies, intent on disrupting their conversation. However, upon seeing his advance, Amish totally freaked out and died of immediate and total heart failure. Ocelot nodded to himself, awed by how much of a badass he was, while the Russian soldier walked away slowly in a weak-kneed fashion. This intrigued Ocelot; surely he had taught his soldiers how to walk properly? His suspicions mounted with each step of the soldier's awkward, highly androgynous gait.

Realizing that the soldier was not carrying his mandatory bottle of vodka, Ocelot unmasked the culprit, revealing the quivering man-child that was Raiden. Although he had never met him, Ocelot immediately disliked Raiden, probably due to his complete and utter lack of any masculine characteristics whatsoever. He cocked his hand back to deliver an atomic bitchslap, but was stopped by a Gray Fox-like cyborg ninja, who saved Raiden's scrawny, shapeless ass by completely blowing Ocelot's slowly-diminishing mind. He was so out of it, he simply stood there while the Russian soldiers put down their vodkas and started shooting fruitlessly at the ninja. As the ninja made its retreat, Ocelot made a mental note to destroy Raiden utterly, and also to deliver his pants to the laundry room ASAP.

Ocelot headed back for the other Shell with the basket of kittens in hand, and was surprised to see Solidus wearing an eyepatch. Ocelot asked him about what happened while giving the weary clone a backrub. Apparently, Solid Snake had pummeled Solidus' Harrier jet in a fantastic battle that didn't involve the man-whore Raiden, despite his claims. This shocked Ocelot terribly, for the tragic love triangle involving the clones of Big Boss had again resurfaced in his heart. Keeping his cool, Ocelot tried to offer Solidus his special "Happy Ending" technique, but was interrupted by a loud alarm bell. Solidus stood up quickly, declaring that Arsenal Gear GEAR was ready for launch. A disappointed Ocelot followed him into the elevator that lead to the secret development chamber of the Frickin' Huge Shell.

The guards eventually delivered Ocelot the incompetent Raiden, much to his dismay. Although fond of naked spies strapped to mechanical beds, Ocelot was burning with an internal passion for Solid Snake alone. So, after marvelling at Raiden's complete lack of genitalia, he went up to the brig to meet up with Solidus. He took the long route, however, and by the time he got up there, Solid Snake and Raiden had been captured. Ocelot stood by whilst Solidus cursed their ears with the boring and intricate details of his plan. Just to shut him up, Ocelot told him about how this was all the Pattersons' plan from the beginning just to fuck with everybody. Enraged, Solidus called Ocelot several unsavory names, and then asked Fortune for her "digits". In a sudden state of depression, Ocelot vowed to never love again. Then, Liquid Snake took over his body and stole a Metal Gear Raymond, which Solid Snake followed to shore.

After coming back to his senses, Ocelot found himself face to face with Solid Snake. Metal Gear Raymond lay upon the ground, smashed to oblivion. Ocelot decided that Snake, exhausted after the fierce battle that undoubtedly had occured, was probably very open to what he had to say. He attempted to profess his love for him, but Snake interrupted Ocelot by kicking him in the groin and making an insulting quip about revolvers and pedophilia. Stung by the gibe and the terrible, wracking crotch pain from Snake's assault, Ocelot vowed to never love again and to get a refill of his Alzheimer's medication. He then headed for the nearest Popeye's Chicken, where he had a feast that has never been equaled, nor ever will.

Ocelot in Metal Gear Solid 4[edit]

He's Liquid Ocelot now and he wears big, 1970's-style sunglasses. That's all that's currently known. Wait for the game to come out, prickfaces.

Facts About Revolver Ocelot[edit]

  • Even though he is called Shalashaska we believe that he is actually Shakira
  • Revolver Ocelot can believe it's not butter
  • Ocelot's six-shooter can hold seven rounds.
  • All your Metal Gear are belong to Ocelot.
  • Revolver Ocelot doesn't read books. He tortures them out with a DS until he gets the information he wants.
  • In Soviet Russia, Ocelot revolvers you!
  • Only Revolver Ocelot can get surrounded by his ex-comrades, Sergei Gurlukovich, Solid Snake, and the US Marines.And say to himself "I have them right where I want them."
  • Ocelot's arm didn't get cut off. It ran away from him.
  • Ocelot gets sick pleasure from stealing body parts
  • Ocelot is in fact accused of stealing his fashion sense from an english hobo who used the pockets of his jacket to steal toilet roll from Londis supermarkets. The homeless man now uses a Mr Blobby suit instead.
  • Ocelot has sex with ocelots, because he's fucking badass and does whatever shit he wants
  • In soviet Russia, YOU double-quadruple-triple cross Ocelot and still turn out to be a bad guy.
  • In MGS3, Ocelot was so young and stupid that he said to Snake he wasn't an ocelot. What's an ocelot anyway?
  • When Ocelots arm got chopped off, he quickly wrote " I Love N.Y." with the squirting blood on the wall
  • Six bullets...more than enough to kill anything that moves...except Revolver Fucking' Ocelot
  • Revolver Ocelots real arm was tossed in the trash along with an old toaster. What came out is known as 'The Terminator'.
  • Ocelot stopped his hand gestures towards snake after he relised how annoying and gay it was, believed to be pointed out by Solidus.
  • Ocelot also stopped the hand gestures after discovering bouts of arthritis and the fact that he cannot move a DEADman's hand stitched to his fucking arm.
  • he claims that six bullets can kill,when one can do the job.what a wasteful man.

See Also[edit]


Look for Revolver Ocelot in:
Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia,
Wiktionary, the free dictionary that is totally pointless,
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and finally, search Wikimedia Commons, the place for all your porno!


Of course, you can always use Google or Yahoo!