- This article is about the talentless media gambit. For the UK politician by the same name, consult your dentist.
Smelted in late 1975 in Mansfield, England from various mineral ores, Richard Bacon is not actually made of bacon. Recent estimates have estimated his composition to be around 60% alumininiuminium, 15% copper, 13% complimentary grooming products from hotel bathrooms and 12% cloud.
After leaving his chrysalis in 1982, Bacon set about the country finding work wherever he could, as long as it involved smells. After 18 consecutive months without employment, a job opportunity arose at the BBC, where they were looking for a Car Licking Security Executive to taste for IRA bombs. Due to a mix-up in forms, he was called in for an audition for the ever-popular childrens' television series Blue Peter. When the licked the lens of the audition camera, the present media executives were so confused, they offered him the contract believing it to actually be a duck.
He quickly acquired the skills relavant to television presenting and replaced his highly-trained sensing tongue with a prosthetic tongue that resembled a real human tongue for the cameras.
He spent the next years of his life entertaining children by firing himself out of cannons and jumping out of various helicopters on a tri-weekly basis at the license-fee payers' expense. This was widely regarded as a good move and elevated the position of Richard Bacon to the level of some kind of People's President. He soon was awarded the honorary title King Peter by the BBC in return for replacing all his copper content with cobalt.
Fall From Grace
Alas, it was not meant to be forever. In mid 1998, photos emerged in the tabloid press of him engaging in serious conversation with a tumble dryer. The newspapers pounced on the opportunity to bring him down under the 1977 Act Of Serious Conversation Prohibition (1993 Household Goods amendmant). Repeated, vocal denials from on top of Tower Bridge with a megaphone sculpted from Silly Putty every 30 seconds for six weeks did not help his cause.
At the end of August, in an ironic twist of circumstances, he was fired permanently out of the roof of Broadcasting House by Lorraine Heggessey using a complicated mesh of rubber bands, dish detergent bottles and hydraulic pistons, designed by 10-year-old Blue Peter competition winner Kevin Winnersh.
Richard Bacon currently has no permanent state of existence. After a brief stint on The Big Breakfast as an omelette, he faded out of our universe into a parallel one. He occasionally fades back to ours to make short radio communication bursts broadcast to victims of FM radiation, only interpretable to people using a wireless. It's thought that he may also be a Member of Parliament for somewhere in Norfolk. Rumours that he has reverted to his original fiendishly large tongue are unfounfed.
Some Fantastic Facts Relevant To Why We Love Richard Bacon So Much
Or, How I Learnt To Stop Worrying And Love The Bacon
- Richard Bacon's mitochondria could beat up your mitochondria in a petri dish anyday
- Nobody really likes The Magic Numbers anyway
- He has an ACE name
- I made modifications to his birth certificate to say his mum is Superman and his dad is Elvis Costello
- Richard Bacon is at least a million times better than Richard Cheese. In fact, this betterness would probably be better expressed with exponentials such as
- Richard Bacon has never been in the news about kidney stones
- Colin Pillinger is a big fan of Richard Bacon
- Richard Bacon beats Kevin Bacon in a googlefight 
- Richard Bacon once licked a cat, because the cat was covered in strawberry milk.
- If Richard Bacon had split Jesus' bread, he would have fed 7,000
- I learnt to count to 36 using Richard Bacon's dental records (he has 4 extra special baconwisdom teeth)
- If anyone is going to be fossilied and presented in a museum for the 6th world dominant species, I hope it is Richard Bacon
- Richard Bacon
- The best part about Richard Bacon is his willingness to share a smile or autograph.
- Is not the same person as Sir Francis Bacon, who was slightly more useful yet tremendously boring.
- Hi mum
- At school he was voted 'Most Likely To Say "Coca1ne Roxorz"'.
- Richard bacon doesn't, on a first glance, apear to have a liver. Closer inspection reveals that he has in fact got four of the little blighters.
- He did drugs. How cool is that?
- His voice is the same resonance as a double decker bus.
|Bacon | Bacon fat | Bacon Shrub | Choco-Butter-Cheez-Bac'n Pops | Pork Products | Pigs|
|People Named Bacon|
|Richard Bacon | Kevin Bacon|
|All things Bacon|
|Bacon's Rebellion | Bacon and Cheese Sandwich of 1905 | BLT|
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