Richard C. Hoagland

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

“God! I wish I had his Hair! I could even win over the Romans with that Hair!”

~ Jesus Christ on Richard C. Hoagland

“I am sure this hairstyle is a way to store and pass on ancient knowledge! ”

~ Elvis Presley on Richard C. Hoagland

“I knew I was an Ancient Egyptian Pharaoh! God dam he is Right!”

~ Barack Obama on Richard C. Hoagland

“Shitty theories, smushin' hairstyle! ”

~ Madonna on Richard C. Hoagland

“I love his books! He is a Martian Ape, and there is no GOD people!”

~ Richard Dawkins on Richard C. Hoagland

Hoagland, in a picture he took of himself with a backyard telescope.

Richard C. Hoagland (AKA: Dr. Dick Hoaxland) is a reputable Astro-Archaeologist and physicist specializing in Hyper-Dimensional physics. He has fought diligently to uncover NASA's secret Masonic ties. However, he is most famous for uncovering our secret origins, as revealed by the Face on Mars.

Prolific Career[edit]

Hoagland began his career as a television "expert" who sat under legendary CBS anchor Walter Cronkite's desk as he added fake voices and sound effects to NASA's early space missions in the 1960's. He explained to Cronkite the complicated space docking procedure several times at a Houston motel. Richard C. Hoagland had been a highly respected NASA consultant until he discovered the truth. He is also a highly reputable physicist who's specialty is hyperspace and hyper-dimensional geometry. Related to this is his ability to forecast future events using the tetrahedral geometry just like his friend, Lyndon LaRouche. He is also takes credit for the the discovery of Angstrom Metal , which he has possession of in his home (it is illegal for anyone else to have this unless they are authorized by Hoagland (see: Moon Rocks). He was also friends with Gene Roddenberry and it is documented that Star Trek was actually Richard's idea. He also invented Arthur C. Clarke (let me repeat - HE invented Arthur C. Clarke!), and his work inspired 2001: A Space Odyssey, and both where inspirations for Stanley Kubrick's two films: 2001: A Space Odyssey and Eyes Wide Shut. The "Masked Ball" scene was based on Arthur's adventures in Sri Lanka, which did NOT involve boys, just porn stars.

But most of all, he is a fearless, uncannily accurate investigative reporter who has discovered mankind's true metaphysical origins in space.

The Face[edit]

NASA high-definition close-up of the "Face on Mars"

After the Minnesota Vikings threw a space field goal towards Mars, the specially rigged Viking probe orbited and picked up many images, among them the controversial Face on Mars. The Face made headlines that whole week, then it was immediately hushed up by NASA. But one researcher did not stop, and that researcher was none other than Richard C. Hoagland. After years of research, Hoagland concluded that not only was the face truly artificial, but that it was in fact the face of Christ himself (after a cross analysis of with the Shroud of Turin, which has many of the same features). He also saw that "The Face" had Egyptian headgear, meaning that there was a close tie to Egypt. It is from this very conclusive and wholly extensive evidence that Richard C. Hoagland was able to determine that mankind (possibly excluding Asian people, who are the descendants of later Vulcan tribes who settled on Mars, but could be hybrids nonetheless) was in fact the descendants of an ancient race of Martians, and that these ancient, pre-Vulcan Martians where in fact Arabs, who actually do encompass all the races of the world. (See Jew)

This leads us to what is next to the Face on Mars: "The City"...

The Hair[edit]

Richard Hoagland's hairstyle has a long story. While a young man he had a regular manly haircut. But after his first encounter with the "Mars Face" photo, he found similarities between haircuts, energy flows, and Albert Einstein (another haircut freak!). Eventually he had a revelation during the study of Hyperdimentional Physics, which concluded to a helmet like, concrete hairstyle. Eventually Hoagland proceeded to make an invisible hood, made of super strong invisible glass from Moon, that will keep his flawless hair form intact even in outer space. Nasa has calculated via laser measurements that deviation of Hoagland's hair from original form is only 1.11 percent. Occasionally he has used his Hair to intimidate informants, get martian girls, block high energy laser beams in self defense, and crack heads open when necessary. He received the NASA award for aerodynamic design in 2002 for his astro-archeological hairstyle.

The City: Or, Born in Babylonia, Moved to Assyria, King Tut[edit]

Richard C. Hoagland, after discovering the astounding discoveries revealed by the Face of Jesus, began looking at what was around the face on Mars, and what he discovered was incredible!

The Holy Face is apparently surrounded by a vast city that resembles Giza, dotted with pyramids and fortresses. After looking at their relative position in very high resolution, rectified photographs of the region, Hoagland was able to conclude that the buildings were indeed spaced in straight angles. He also found an astounding detail, that after connecting the objects with lines, he saw that they formed geometries, and that the values of those lines when divided or squared all reflected basic mathematical principles such as pi and the golden mean. These mathematical discoveries show, without any doubt, that indeed, the city is not merely artificial, but was designed to communicate a message...

Hyperspace and the Secret of Life's Most Pressing Questions[edit]

After taking all of these details into perspective along with myths and legends throughout history, applying mathematics to all of these, it has come to Richard C. Hoagland that the all of this is a code to unlocking the secret of Hyper-Dimensional Physics, which unlocks the secrets of all the universe. He has used this information to discover many truths, such as life on Europa, and the ability for snow to fall horizontally without any wind, astrology, the parting of the Red Sea, psychic phenomena, consciousness, God, and many other, fantastic things such as intelligent life in Kansas. (See: Doctor Who and his TARDIS for very good examples of the wonders of Hyper-Dimensional Physics)

Freemasonry and NASA[edit]

Further on, Hoagland claims that this secret knowledge has been preserved in Freemasonry, and they have been attempting to greedily keep this vital information to themselves. He has also discovered that NASA is in actuality, a Freemasonic organization, and that it is this reason why they fired him and keep the truth about Mars and other evidence about extraterrestrial life under wraps to this very day! He also states that this conspiracy uses astrology to plan their moves, keeping this secret to themselves so as to have full reign of the cosmos. He claims to have evidence to prove NASA is building a giant spaceship/Masonic Temple to eventually leave the Earth and endanger other planets, building strip malls and drive-in fast food outlets in the far corners of the universe. He currently is pseudo-science adviser to evangelist George Noory on "Spaceghost to Coast AM," a nightly radio broadcast featuring the New World Order.

See Also[edit]

External links[edit]