Dick Simmons used to be a fat food addict until he cried so much from being made fun of at school that all his fat oozed from his pores. He then got caught and laughed at by Cyndi Lauper. From embarassment, he told Cyndi that he was sweating. She believed his lies and the rest is history. OR IS IT? It is.
Richard was born in New Orleans, Louisiana, son of two gay men and a swordfish; Mitchell, Danny and Francis-Makley; brother of Lacy Simmons. He was so gay that the family abandoned him in the Gay province of new orleans where rapper lil wayne is from. That is were he was picked up by the legendary Roger Epperson/Crykin who taught him the fine art of giving and taking it in the ass....he became a father to Richard and his first rap a-thon was on its way. He soon changed his name to SAYGON, which just happens to be an anagram of Gayons. SAYGON lived, and went into hiding in Russia for two years. When he came back, he spoke fluent Russian, changed his name to Mike, and won the Gay Olympics in 1989.
After becoming a Super-Homo by killing his best friend, Luke Perry,and Elton John Russell established himself as a pimp. He became the first pimp to run an entirely male whore house since John Quincy Adams. He was soon cast in the latest Bond Movie as "Blowjob", where he would shoot sperm instead of bullets. However, his movie career was soon cut short.
Russell met Augustus Gibbons at the premiere of the movie, who shot him 9 times in the chest, the tenth bullet narrowly missing a begrieved Nancy Pelosi. Simmons survived, and became a rapper known as 50 Cent, but for you, 45. He formed the band G-Unit with fellow rappers, Ol'Dirty Testament, Kid Lox, LL Oy Vey, Sir Kvetch-A-Lot,Tim Allen, Ice Cube, Augustus Gibbons and my son, the Doctor, Dre. They released one album, Fear of a Kosher Planet, before a munting incident effectivly ended the bands ten month run.
In 1998, several people died at a poetry jam when the PA system malfunctioned, overamplifying Russell Simmons voice. An unnamed source declared "that guy has a voice like barbed wire". The Pentagon has refused to confirm or deny whether Tattoo'sunique vocal capibilities may be harnessed by the Star Wars Strategic Defense Inititative to "freedom tickle" suspected terrorists.
The Mustaine Years & Gayness
Simmons, hmm? How could we sum up his standpoint on a scale from 1-10, being 10 is super gay, while 1 is super stragiht. I'd give him a twenty. Just because all the people he has turned gay. Just to name a few; Michael Jackson, Clay Aiken, Tom Brokaw, and many many more! In 1999, Richard Simmons met and fell in love with Bucky Fehrenbach's roommate while eating poop, an unknown member of the Beatles, and an insignificant, forgotten member of Metallica. Their relationship would last until 2000, when Richard caught Dave giving his beloved Dalmation Chesterfield Snapdragon McFisticuffs XII an Alabama Hot Pocket. Knowing that no man could ever truly love him for the Super-Homo that he is, he discarded Mustaine in the dumpster that he found him in.
In 2002, during a gay pride speech by Simmons, Dave showed up and started crying on stage and proposed to him, which Richard accepted. Richard has since given birth to two children, Pete Best and Stuart Sutcliffe. Dave has written a new Megadeth song, "I Loved Richard up the Ass," a love song in the vein of "Up Where We Belong," and a new Toby Keith song, "When Richard Comes, I'm Right Behind Him."
Ricky dilzen 12:51, 19 October 2007 (UTC)
Richard Simmons is a modern day Pied Piper. He received his first Nobel Prize for discovering that the writers of the biblical condemnations of gaiety were themselves actually closeted pipe blowers and that the Bible is a manmade product from Communist China.
The gods know that, once a man has sampled sausage, he never goes back to just doughnuts only.
Simmons is perhaps most notable as the gayest Shock Victim in existence, in front of even Lou Dobbs, renowned baby rapist. By the current laws of the universe, it is mathematically impossible for any person, place, or thing to be gayer than Richard Simmons. It has been said that if Richard Simmons tried to out gay himself, his head would explode, sending gay up into the atmosphere and extending the fashion season into next year. In fact, he has more gay than infinity has rational numbers, though "╬" would tend to disagree.
Richard Simmons' activity in San Diego
In La Jolla, San Diego, California, next to UCSD (The REAL Chinatown), under a 300-foot cliff, resides a beach called Black's Beach. It is the largest nude beach in North America, having a population consisting of 13% Surfers, 7% Lazy Beachgoers, and 80% Nudist/Purist FAGGOTS with the occasional naked woman. Of the nude population, 70% are fully naked, 29% are kickin' it like Whinnie the Pooh (just a shirt on but nothing below), and 1% are unattractive women. Resting within the population of [all white or maybe Mexican] nudey tootie frooties, "Here and Queer" Richard Simmons walks around in his his naked girth, sporting a white visor and carrying a half full can of beer. Every day, he walks around the beach, flopping around in his sodamy-hungover broccoli hair, and socializing with his fellow gays. If you see him in any way, shape, or form, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN before he jizzes all over you. -How to tell if it is really him: He is short and stalky with a boner and a chapped white ass, clad in a bleach white visor and sporting a beer. He was also found in a dumpster after his daily workout routine, playing with his favourite toys woody and buzz whilst listening to gangster rap.
Mr.Goodbody or so we thought
Simmons has been trying to get closer to young male children by making a public television show on TBS in which he shows kids his innards that have been exposed by his infamous fight with Steven Siegal. He's recently been working on a new show called " Gettin' a Sexy Body With Richard" He only has children working with him on the show. It's been recorded that he would take the children after the workouts, into his dressing room. It's been stated that he had a lot of Candy there. Children reported of feeling really bad butt pains after leaving his dressing room (you know what that means). He's also been working on a new daycare center with Micheal Jackson. It's an all day daycare for boys 5-10yrs only. So far only one kid has attended their daycare, and it's mj's son. They hope further branch their company "Kidz, Our Delight" soon. Episodes of the show are now out on vhs and are recommended to be used as trading cards during recess for kids.