“This Guy Makes Me Laugh”
“Are we related?”
“He's like me, except for the whole homosexual Canadian thing...”
“Me Gots de scudders”
Rick Mercer is the First, and as of yet only, President of Canada. The position of President of Canada was established in 1868 by John A. Macdonald so he could have someone to take his place while he went drinking. Mercer has served the majority of his term in relative secrecy because Macdonald failed to tell anyone of the position's creation until it was discovered in his secret Diary in 1990. Since his first press conference at the National Arts Centre in Ottawa, Mercer has taken an active role in Canadian politics and is generally given equal status with the Prime Minister of Canada as the leader of the country.
Little is known about Rick's early life. It is believed that he was raised on a steady diet of Jam Jams and that he grew up in what was the barren wasteland of Newfoundland, which is now the strong and powerful communist nation which rose to annex Canada as part of an April Fool's Day joke in 1949.
Acts as President
Needing no support of the Canadian people to enact Legislation, Mercer has been able to accomplish a great deal during his Reign. Choosing to publish his Acts in the form of Comedic Television Programming has increased his popularity among the Inuit, who first brought this medium to mainstream attention with the program Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Mercer's most well known decrees have included Hours Now Have 22 Minutes, Talking to Americans is Illegal, All Pyramids Have Been Made in Canada, and The Rick Mercer Report on Why Tuesdays are better than Mondays. All have been received very well by the Canadian Public. Mercer has participated in numerous activities on behalf of Canada including:
- Inventing Fire
- Being a Newfie with a job
- Discovering New Zealand
- Meeting Chuck Norris
- Insulting George W. Bush and the general American population
- Promoting Kyoto Protocol by appearing on an annoying TV commercial
- Becoming the first person to Circumnavigate the Earth in a Bobsled
- Changing Stockwell Day's first name to doris
- Being voted as The Greatest Canuck by 98.8% of the Canadian population, the other 2.2% voted for Poutine and Canadian Beer. Yes, I do realize that the total result was 101% of the Canadian population.
To assist him in his duties, Mercer has at times appointed a Cabinet of other, less important people. Collectively these people have been referred to as the Cabinet of Bitter Children, or CBC. Historically, their primary function has been to make Mercer look better by comparison. Since its inception in 1994, the Cabinet has included:
- Molly McGuire (1994-2001): Minister of Armed Forces, also known as Marg Princess Warrior, specialized in assasinating anyone who opposed Mercer's Rule.
- Frank MacMillan (1994-2001): Minister of Foreign Affairs, infiltrated enemy nations under the alias Tim MacMillan.
- Cindy Gibizinchick (1994-2001): Minister of Sexual Affairs, didn't do much.
- Allan Roy (1998-2003): Dietitian.
- Veronica Miller (1998-2003): Senior Productions Manager (Does Everything, Paid Nothing).
- Victor Sela (1998-2003): Scapegoat.
- Wanda Mattice (1998-2003): Receptionist
- Darren Jones (2003-2005): Just to make Rick look Better.
Since 2005 Mercer has elected to work alone and the absence of Darren Jones from The Rick Mercer Report on Why Tuesdays are better than Mondays has been pleasantly noticeable.