Rio de Janeiro
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“I tell you what, this is not a good place to live.”
~ Rusty Wallace on Rio de Janeiro
“Ahnn Rio de Janeiro, Argentina beautiful capital.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Rio de Janeiro
“I pity the foo who lives there.”
~ Mr T on Rio de Janeiro
Note: Rio is on the other side, so you'll not find it, in case you bothered to look for it
Note: Try looking harder.
Hell de Janeiro (meaning River of January in Portuguese so called due to the early settlers' love of golden showers from the local prostitute Jane the giver), is the name of both Rio de Janeiro state and a city in south-eastern Brazil, very close to the Amazon Rainforest and Bahia. Commonly known as just Rio (particularly by Americans who don't know that several of its nearby cities are called "Rio-Something" as well), the city population is made up of shemales, thieves and jobless lazy shemales who are also thieves. The rest of this paragraph has been written by one of them. It is considered by many to be amongst the most beautiful cities in the world. It is famous for the hotel-lined tourist beaches Copacabana and Ipanema, for the giant statue of Jesus, known as Christ the Redeemer ('Cristo Redentor') atop the Corcovado mountain and the safe and cozy neighbourhoods atop other mountains, known as favelas. Many flock to the city for the annual carnival and "Celebration Avançado Super Da Velocidade" street races. It is highly unique in the fact that it is the only place in the world where the mountains with the best view facing the ocean are not inhabited by the wealthy, but actually by masses of poor people tightly packed in favelas. Brazilian logic, however, is not meant to be either grasped or make sense at all. For more information on that, see this article. Or if you're a horny Brazilian and just want boobs, look here.
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[edit] History
The area where Rio de Janeiro is now was reached in January of 1502 by Portuguese explorers in an expedition led by Italian explorer Amerigo Vespucci who wrote in his captain's log that he didn't find anything useful in Brazil.
The actual city wasn't founded until March 1st, 1565, by Portuguese prostitute Jane de épocas boas, who called it Rio de Janeiro. It was frequently attacked by pirates and privateers, especially by then enemies of Portugal, such as the Netherlands and France. Ninjas however were always welcome and paid many visits to Jane’s establishments.
On June 6, 1761 the city was almost completely destroyed by fire after a pipe smoking contest got out of control. It is as a direct result of this devastating fire that the often thought bizarre law that pipe smoking is banned within city limits was put in place.
In the years 1780 to 1803, very little happened.
1832 saw the first public transport being introduced to the city. Initially restricted to the down-town area only, lengths of 3 foot wide smooth channels were dug into the streets within which luges would run. The luges were notorious for getting jammed and throwing all the passengers off, this was until someone had the idea of using the cities surplus lard to grease the channels.
In 1860, the favelas were cramping the style of the government, so the brazilian Minister of Corruption decided to discretly write on the constitution an article demanding that the capital should be moved to somewhere far, far away from poor people and, mostly, stray bullets. The president ratified, the people forgot to protest, and thus, Brasilia was built. Soon it and became the country's capital and biggest money-laundering center of the world. So the president problems were solved, but the stray bullets are still at large.
[edit] Cristo Redentor
Cristo Redentor, commonly known as Christ the Redeemer is a 200ft statue of Jesus which stands atop the Corcovado Mountain casting a benevolent eye over the citizens of Niteroi --which is the city Christ the Redeemer's sad and homesick eyes are really set on, in order to convey the general "let's get the hell outta here" feeling that pertains to every carioca citizen.
The head and the hands of the statue were sculpted in France's countryside, in 1925, by a French hippy artist as parts of a deconstructivist statue of Jesus to be exposed at Louvre but the mail service mistankenly send them to Rio de Janeiro instead of Paris. When the Brazilian President George Washington Louis found those big hands and head on the city dump (which was at the backyards of the Government's House), he had the idea to use them in a big statue of Jesus. The statue was inaugurated in 1931 and since then Rio de Janeiro has some landmark other than women's tits, women's butts and slums, with the advantage that pics of the big Jesus can be used by tourists as a post card to their little nephews.
It addition to being a powerful marketing tool the statue has had several practical purposes over the years.
In 1941 after a series of horrific shipping accidents which cost the lives of hundreds of sailors, it was decided that the statue would double as a light house to warn ships of the treacherous shoreline. The proud citizens of Rio demanded that whatever work was done to the statue was in keeping with its original image and purpose. It was therefore decided that bright beams of light should emanate from the statues eyes.
Small models of the Cristo Redentor statue are used by the prostitutes of Rio to advertise their services. The models are placed in the window of the prostitutes’ place of work and the eyes indicates their availability. When the eyes are unlit the prostitute is not working, when the eyes are flashing the prostitute is available for hire and when the eyes continuously lit, the prostitute is with a client. The system has proven to work well and does not lower the tone of the city.
From 1992 in order to comply with accessibility laws, audible notifications were added to the prostitutes statues so that blind clients could partake of their services without fear of bursting in on another punter. The statues are silent when the prostitute is not working, continuously shouting "The power of Christ compels you" when the prostitute is available for hire, and the statue starts playing the national anthem when she's just about to 'finish off' a client, and will be ready for you shortly.
In 1938 during a period of immense surplus wealth within the Catholic Church, the statue was hollowed out and converted into a holy water storage and distribution point. Many pipelines emanate from under the base of the statue and using the force of gravity distributes holy water to the many catholic churches of Rio.
[edit] Entertainment
Celebration Avançado Super Da Velocidade
In late October the Celebration Avançado Super Da Velocidade is held and is a show case for the latest in Brazilian motor technology. The population of Rio swells as thousands of motoring fans flock to the city to enjoy spectacle that is Celebration Avançado Super Da Velocidade.
Carnival
The carnival in Rio de Janeiro has many choices, including the famous 'Escolas de andar e da cair' parades in the sambódromo exhibition centre and the popular 'batalhas do carnival', where rival parades clash in almost every corner of the city.
Festivals and Award Ceremonies
Rio is also a popular location for some of the world’s most famous festivals and award ceremonies. The annual film festival is popular and in 2006 Rio is slated to host the prestigious Vegetable Photographer of the Year.
Gigs
Rio is also famous for its big, fat rock concerts. The Rolling Stones, The Who, U2, Paul McCartney, Three caballeros, Ashlee Simpson and Inimigos da HP were some of the attractions of the famous "Putaria in Rio", a gigantic music festival which took place on Circo Voador ("Flying Circus"). Circo Voador is the home of the Monty Python's humorists. If you're on a lucky day, you can see John Cleese there, jogging and having some coconut water, while dodging bullets and avoiding pickpockets.
[edit] Politics
Rio de Janeiro has been governed as a constitutional monarchy since 1960, with the Sovereign Prince of Rio de Janeiro as head of state. The executive branch consists of a Minister of State (the head of government), who presides over a three-member Council of Government, also known as the "Council of Three". The Minister of State is a Brazilian citizen appointed by the Prince from among candidates proposed by the Brazilian Government.
The Council of Government consists of three of the princes most intelligent pets as ranked by the citizens of Rio in a bi-annual poll. Accusations have been levelled at the Prince that he has been attempting to influence the outcome by forcing his most loved pets to wear glasses in an attempt to make them appear more intelligent.
Today
Nowadays, Rio is ruled by the queen Rosinha Molequinho ("Rosie Little Boy"), daughter of the great Didi Mocó, Brazil's most acclaimed philosopher.
Rosinha is 97 years old and suffers from chronic mouth diarrhea.
[edit] Council of Three
The currently elected council of three (they work for Rio's queen).
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[edit] Sports
The one and only sport in Rio de Janeiro is soccer. If you are born in Rio de Janeiro you can support 4 different soccer teams:
- If you are an African-Brazilian, a drugdealer, a prostitute or if you just live in a favela and never went to school you will support Flamengo.
- If you are a Portuguese-Brazilian, a drug dealer, a loser or a moron, you will support Vasco da Gama.
- If you are a Carcamano, gay as hell or a tranny, you will support Fluminense.
- And if you are an Native-Brazilian, a nostalgic fart,love cry, you will support Botafogo
All these supporters have one thing in common:
- After their team's victory, they break everything on the streets and the adversary team, just to celebrate.
- After their team's loss, they break everything on the streets and the adversary team, just to release stress.
- After their team's draw, they break everything on the streets and the adversary team, just to have some fun.
- No matter what the outcome is, they will hang out with Ronaldo and get banged by three shemales.
[edit] Districts
[edit] Urca
Urca is a district in Rio de Janeiro where NOTHING HAPPENS. There is a local newspaper, which has a fancy logo on the top half and nothing on the bottom half, except when something relatively earth-shattering happens, like a dog sneezing.
There is an army fortress in Urca, which leads denizens to think the district is perfectly safe - as if the army's going to leave the fortress to save you from being mugged. You can live inside the fortress if you have the money for it, which should come in handy when zombies eventually overrun the world.
There is also a beach in Urca, where people try jogging but never make it without getting bored because they complete a full lap in thirty seconds. There's a guy, called "Cabo", who lives on the beach - he even built a wall around his "property" and is the proud owner of a german shepherd, named "Hulk" for a good reason. The water in the beach has caused the most interesting headline in Urca's newspaper: "Man grows mutated hand after diving on Urca Beach".
[edit] Barra da Tijuca
Barra da Tijuca, can be known as just for Barra, ou for who resides here, Puta que pariu, is One of greateast districts in Rio. The wealthiest people of Brazil resides here, as well from Argentina, since there are only poor people with awkward hair and biggots.
Here is the place for tourists who are running low on money, believe me, if you don't have money come to Barra, whe can take care of you with our hospitality, and kindness. Here you find the shopping mall, supermarket, real prostitute like your mom. The beaches of here are full of topless chicks, these chicks they goes by difficults to brazilians, but to gringos they even give their ass to them. If you like assrape this is heaven for you.
Here goes a list for who resides barra:
- Michael Jordan - lives here since the Washington Wizards became a hockey team the Boise Blowers.
- Michael jackson - just check out that crazy video clip that he made in Brazil, he was already white at that time.
- Oscar Alho - brazilian entrepaneur.
- Mickey Mouse - went on vacation for Rio, and never leaves.
- Ronald Biggs - The thief that not even 007 could catch.
- Buck Dharma - Because Rio needs more cowbell.
- Eddie the head - 'cause when iron maiden do freaken' showes in southe amerrica, he is jist leavin' herre!
- Robert Chistgau - The gay guy who rates music, and is Martha Stewart Lover.
- Brian Peppers - Evil minded giant, just looking for some rape.
[edit] Tijuca
Tijuca as knows Palestina, because you can get a bullet at your head as easy as that old chump at your side right now which is rubbing your genital parts, gonna have sex with you. To be in tijuca people need to buy kryptonite bulletproof vests, because the Kvelar doesn't help anymore, the Bad Guys now are armed with Bazzoka, lasers and Bazzoka with lasers. Planning to live here? Sure it's is cheap, but be sure to write a testimonial because your days are counting. Another peculiar thing is this district is the fact that tijuca is known in rio like a niggerhood, only black, negro, charcoal poeple , poarch-monkeys live here, so whatch out the people here pickpocket as fast as ninjas, and smells as bad as pirates.
[edit] São Cristovão
São Cristovão is not the full name of this district, the real name is São Cristovão de Buarque e Hollanda, named in honor of one of the biggest brazilian poet and wanker Cristovão de Buarque e Hollanda. This one of a kind district, the people who lives here are full of money, fast cars, fancy clothes, silicon at the breast, penis aumentation surgery people, and the place for the coolest people in Rio: The trannies. The shemale, that came from latin She = Homem + Male = mulher = Ronaldo. These kind of people have lot's of money, beacuse they have sex all the time. There they walk naked at the streets showing their gourgeous bodies, and not to say about their breast. So if you're a tourist, do you want to have a great time in Rio ask for a cabbie to take you at Quinta da Boa Vista, where these fantastic tranny hangs, and to add to that the city Zoo is over there too. So what are you waiting? Get your ass over there.
[edit] Madureira
An exquisite neighborhood, is known as Little Paraguay, because of it's stores and people who hangs at this place. To be sincere there is Fuckable girls at this neighborhood but don't insist, because if you do, they will want to get married against your own will, if you refuse to marry them,, they get pregnant and tell the baby is yours... at the majority of the cases the babies are from others guys as known as Comedores(Polite people). This a neighborhood known for be the hometown of Steven Seagal, the house where he spent his childhood is still over there just waiting to be demolished to become a new shopping mall, or a strip club, which in this place there is a lot. The best strip club over there is named by a fruit in portuguese, the name is: Xereca do pai. a family place where broken old geezers goes with their sons just to have some fun in family.
[edit] Meier
Meier is the worst district in Rio. You can't find anything interesting there: beach, Bitch, Money, Drug, Assrape, etc... Meier is an old place, constructed by Lord Faustão - The Earl of Birmingham in the eighties. Is a nostalgic place beacuse is full of old people, some have even fought at the WWII, and plus to that the yougest are ugly as hell. There is no one Beautifull or handsome over there, so if you're a tourist and is visiting Rio do not listen to cab drivers, don't go to this place, just don't....
[edit] Centro
Centro A.K.A. Downtown, is an old district, full of poor people(Miserável), thieves(preto), Shemales(Ronaldo), all of them are looking for the same thing, your money, and your ass. If you are a tourist and don't want to miss a thing while in Rio, you can't miss Centro greatest Natural Digital Treasure, Central do Brasil, where fast trains, and adorable "ladies" hang out, just waiting for you to have some great time with them. Another place for a tourist where you can get real classy and expensive sex is a place called praça mauá, full of experienced girls and fags, just waiting to get banged by you. Another place for a gangbang in Centro is place called Carioca, there the gangbang is full of flying bullets and grenades, if you want to feel like you were in Gaza or Arizona you can't miss it too. But remeber always walk with a lot of money, and your limbs, because the brazilians are facinated for human organs so they can trafic them for some dope.
[edit] See also
- Shemale
- Gay
- Grand Theft Auto: Rio de Janeiro
- Prostitution
- Death
- Traffic
- Counter Strike
- Funk
- Sex
- Joe Carioca
- Bunda
- Sparta
- São Paulo
