Ritchie Blackmore

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“You can't fire me!”

~ Donald Trump on Ritchie Blakmore

Richard Hugh "The Black Liver" Blackmore, (also known as Richard Hugh "YOU CAN'T FIRE ME" Blackmore) is an English guitarist, farmer and the inventor of the chicken-powered automatic gun. He has been a founding member of both Deep Purple and Rainbow. He is also known for firing every member of the band Rainbow and almost everyone he wishes to fire. He is the original Donald Trump.

Biography[edit]

Early life[edit]

Blackmore was born in Camelot, England, but moved to Heston at the age of two (amazing how he knew where to go at such an early age).

He got his first guitar from his epileptic grandmother that used it for dark rituals that involved blood, dead ravens and nachos.He was influenced by early rockers like Oscar Wilde and Chuck Norris. With Jon Lord, Jon Bon Jovi and John Wayne he co-founded the hard rock group Deep Purple. Around the same time he also invented the famous chicken-powered automatic gun.

Deep Purple[edit]

The name for the band came one night in a pub when Ritchie had a fight with some guy. Some guy punched him in the eye, and it turned a purple colour. Being that some guy actually pushed his eyeball in, the doctor who examined him said it was "really deep".

They released their first album Shades of a very, very deep purple colour in 1968. After The cook of Taliesyn and Purple jeep they released In doc which was about Ritchie Blackmore's frightening experience of being stuck in his doctor's anus for two hours. This album turned from a pop-oriented sound of the previous albums (which sucked) to the hard hardness that is hard rock. The album Machinebed was released in 1971, and contains the famous fried chicken recipe Bloke on Water which was about some guy drowning. The name Machinebed came from Ritchie Blackmore's frightening experience of being stuck in a vibrating bed for two hours. In 1975 Blackmore left the band to form Rainbow

Rainbow[edit]

After Deep Purple, Blackmore formed the Hard rock band Rainbow. The name of the band Rainbow came from Ritchie Blackmore's frightening experience of falling into a hole while chasing a rainbow and being stuck in there for two hours. An elf Ronnie James Dio saved him using his special powers to get Blackmore out of the hole.

The band's debut album, Ritchie Blackmore's Rainbow, was released in 1975. The style was different from Deep Purple's because Blackmore and Dio experimented with medieval and hospital themes, which combined with Blackmore's love for classical music and microwaves produced (much like the atomic bomb or Steven Segal) something unique.

Blackmore took a shitload of LSD and fired every single original band member, minus Dio, shortly after the album was recorded and recruited a new lineup to record the album Rainbow Rising.

For the next album, he took a a smaller dose of LSD, so he kept drummer Cozy Powell and Dio and replaced the rest of the band (again). After the albums release and supporting tour, Ronnie James Dio left Rainbow due to "creative differences and really bad coffee".

Blackmore continued with Rainbow and the band released a new album entitled Down To Earth. The name of the album came from Blackmore's frightening experience of falling from the third floor of a building. He broke all three of his legs. He was found by some guy two hours later. He went back to Deep Purple in 1984

Deep Purple again[edit]

In April 1984 the album Perfect Strangers was released. It was about Blackmore's frightening experience of meeting two stranger who drugged him and did some freaky stuff to him while he was under narcotics. He woke up two hours later with a strange taste in his mouth. So, after a few more albums, he left Deep Purple (again) and reformed Rainbow (yes, again)

The second Rainbow[edit]

Ritchie Blackmore reformed Rainbow after leaving Deep Purple a second time in 1993. In 1995 they released Stranger in Us All which was about Blackmore's frightening experience of having a doctor's head stuck in his anus for two hours. He hired a hermaphrodite named Joe Lynn Turner whom was apparently gayer than him.

The Blackmore's Night[edit]

In 1997, Blackmore created the Disco group Blackmore's Night. The name came from Blackmore's frightening experience which he had one hot summer night that lasted for two hours. Not much is known about this incident, but it has been suggested that Michael Jackson has something to do with it, but this is highly unlikely, because Ritchie Blackmore is almost definitely not a teenage boy.