Robert Anton Wilson
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“Well, I'm pretty sure it was him ... he's the one who's always stoned, right? Yeah, the bastard stole my fucking wallet!”
Robert Anton Wilson (12 OCT 1875 - NEVER or 22 DEC 2012) (also known as Jake Whitcroft, Mister Grinns, Agent Harvey Wallbanger, Jimmi "the Breather" Maldonado, Frater Fortasse, Reverend Loveshade, Sir Niles Chadwick-Fitzgerald-Smythe, and occasionally Xenia Onnatop, glamourous ex-KGB dominatrix) was a dangerous megalomaniacal madman and cult leader, active mainly in the Late Sixties (er, the Early Seventies?), and an author of subversive literature, a counterculture sophisticate, drugged-out hippy, nihilistic mystic, apostolic alcoholic, and one of the Thirteen Sycophants of Malaclypse the Younger. He is supected to be the author of several of the books of the Principia Discordia: the Gospel of Jeepers Creepers, the Book of False Testimony, and Big Roger's Apocalypse (collectively known as the "Wilhanine Works"), and may also be responsible for the controversial Discordian apocrypha, the newly discovered Hermaphroditic Gospels. He was the co-founder and field commander of CSICON, the super-secret paramilitary wing of the LDD, and led them on many perilous missions against the nefarious lizard-people of the Thule Society, during and after WW2. International superspy, submarine-stealing antichrist, kitten huffing transvestite, and state-licensed psychonaut, Robert Anton Wilson was a man beside his time, sort of off to the left a little.
Wilson was born to Romanian Gypsies, though his strange, goatlike eyes were interpreted as an evil omen, and he was abandoned in the foothills of the Carpathian Alps, where it was assumed that the elements would claim his ill-fated life. Fortunately for young Wilson, a passing she-wolf, fevered and deranged with acute hydrophobia, mistook him for one of her own, and raised him until both were taken in by Eastern European circus-folk.
After some years performing as the popular sideshow attraction "Jojo the Dogfaced Boy," Wilson's innate cunning and virulent madness allowed him to climb the pyramid of the Circus's power structure, usupring the position of Ringmaster in a bloody coup ("The Night of Crying Clowns") at age 13, and forging the Circus into an international crime syndicate, apocalypse cult, and fast food chain, now known as McDonalds. It was from this pool of fanatical carnies that he would later recruit his most deadly minions in CSICON.
The Voice of Eris
After a botched terrorist action (wherein tanks of a killer strain of the euphoria-inducing agent Nitrous oxide were to be simultaneously released into corporate boardrooms around the world), the early McDonalds cult movement was dismantled by agents of the Illuminati. Wilson had narrowly dodged the Nizari Assassins sent to dispatch him, hiding completely submerged in an open vat of pure LSD for over fifteen minutes in order to escape them. After a month of wandering the streets of Hong Kong, staring at neon signs and giggling, Wilson returned to Europe with a maniacal, chattering voice in his head: that of Eris, Goddess of Discord, or so he would later claim.
Wilson, now an international fugitive, used every means at his disposal, including his uncanny powers of autohypnosis, his abnormally long tongue, and his powerful sexual magnetism, to slip past the checkpoints, secret agents, and genetically-engineered hunter-killer tyrannosaurs, and escape the clutches of the NWO to Amsterdam. There, he met Malaclypse the Younger, charismatic and Bat Fuck Insane Messiamagogue of the Discordian Revivalist Movement. Wilson instantly fell in with the movement, but soon found that even the Prophet and the other twelve Discordian Sycophants weren't bat fuck insane -enough- for his liking.
Growing doctrinal differences about how to spread Operation Mindfuck to the good people of reality lead to many schisms in the early Discordian Church; the Church of the Subgenius, now avowed enemy of Discordians everywhere, was a Discordian sect that declared Panholy Crusaihad in 1984, against the "Great Apostupidity," their term for the corruption-rife ubiquipapacies of the POEE (rumor has it that SubGenius Prophet-Poet-Commander-in-Chief JR "Bob" Dobbs did this on a drunken bet).
With the growing threat of the Subgenius heresy, the POEE had no choice but to mount a Counter-Crusaihad; to this effect, three of the Discordian Sycophants (Wilson, James Joyce, and Aleister Crowley) were given the honorary titles of Grand Tribunity of Inquisititioners, and charged with forcibly excommunicating all who were suspected of thinking about heresy. They formed CSICON, a super-secret assassin sect within the Church, who would bring Wilson's own deadly brand of Mindfuck to their targets -- inside the Church and out. Recruiting only the most fanatical fundamentalist Discordians, thoroughly brainwashing them with hours of Fox News broadcasts run backwards and synched up to Talking Heads albums, training them with elite forces of pirates -and- ninjae, Wilson sought to create the perfect army of neurosis-inflicted schizophrenics to realize his true goal: to rule the world.
In an effort to improve his image after his involvement in Janet Jackson's 2003 Wardrobe Malfunction, Wilson founded Robbie's Kids, a charity and interest group for children who are unnecessarily exposed to Celebrity Nudity. His door-to-door counselors wander the streets of Suburbia, trying to find traumatized children and help them to cope with the inevitable feelings of disappointment, even betrayal, that we all feel when faced with the sagging unmentionables of a famous individual.
Despite this, Wilson's public image remains a specter over the War On Drugs; some say that no such person really exists, and that "Robert Anton Wilson" is just a paper tiger used by Con Generals to whip their troops into a killing frenzy, a boogeyman that parents mention to frighten their children into eating all their lima beans. Although hundreds of accounts of a person or persons meeting Wilson's description were obtained by the CIA during Operation MKULTRA, no physical evidence has ever been found, and no one can truly confirm (or deny) the existance of this baffling figure.