Robert De Niro

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Note: This article is about the actor Robert De Niro. For an article about the dipshit who burned Rome, (or for tips on software piracy) see Nero.

“At first it was all sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. When we actually got to talking, he's a pretty nice guy.”

~ Ben Stiller on Life on the Meet The Parents set.

“Yeah, I am talkin' to you”

~ Oscar Wilde

“I don't get it...is he really smug about chewing on a lemon?”

~ Jesus on Robert De Niro's Acting.

Yup. Genius.

Robert De Niro is one of the five people commonly cited as being the "greatest American actor". Like all people with such an exalted title, this claim is based on concrete evidence and is undeniable by anyone. His collaborations with directors such as Martin Scorsese and Brian De Palma is viewed as "carrying the weight for hacks".

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Robert De Niro.

[edit] Childhood

Robert Mario De Niro, Jr. was born August 17th and was nominated for an Academy Award a week later for his cocaine trail. Though he did not win the award at that terrible time, a very not wonderful thing happened the next day, and De Niro received blunt head trauma. He loves cocaine, the BAD thing. This would leave the actor dim-witted and slow, which (coupled with his Italian bloodline) would often ensure him a never-ending supply of film roles. It was while De Niro was at school in New York that he was hit on the head by a drum of Nuclear Waste that gave him super-human powers. His power as it turned out allowed him to mesmerise everyone who viewed him on the screen to think that he was delivering a brilliant acting performance when in reality he was just kicking back and playing some cards with childhood friend the British Bulldog. In his teenaged years Niro was notorious among his peer group for shoving his recently sullied hands (hands that had recently been residing in a girls panties) into his friends faces for a sniff to prove his manhood, an instance that would get him arrested on more than one occasion with regard to charges of ‘deviant behaviour’ after he demonstrated this prowess to his mother.

De Niro is currently married with a black man with a cock the size of his forearm. It is said that Pappa's cock and balls have been removed from his ass after they got married in Wisconsin.

[edit] Acting Career

At his local church, St. Mezzo Perdonato, De Niro landed his first major role - the part of Lot in Sodom! A Musical of Hope! For his portrayal, he was nominated for the Golden Crown of Thorns, the church's highest honor only bestowed to himself and Sir Ian McKellen, who portrayed a villager in the same play.

The acting bug had crawled through his anus and infested De Niro, but it was the silver screen which held his interest, and he would find his big break in Francis Ford Coppola's Godfather Part III. In it, his portrayal of Don Vito Corleone was brought about by a conscious decision that, although Vito Corleone rose to power as the leader of one of the five families, he is in fact slow and dim-witted (De Niro portrays the character as the slow and dim-witted Marlon Brando, as a young man before he got fat). His decision paid off, and he was nominated for an Academy Award. The offers rolled in from there.

[edit] Acting Techniques

When he was fifteen years old and while on a trip to Walt Disney, De Niro met an old man called Pappa Jones, Sr., the same guy who invented the Alfredo sauce. When they were both riding a prostitute at the hotel, Pappa told young De Niro that he would become one of the best mafiosi actors in the history of Holliwood and world war two combined. De Niro did not believe him and shot him on the spot, along with the prostitute. He then started making faces as if he had a finger up his ass. Some say he still does have to this day Pappa's dick and balls up his ass.

De Niro's dedication to his work is legendary. He put 220 pounds to perform as the driver in Taxi Driver and drove a cab for three months to perform as Jake La Motta in Raging Bull. He also killed two directos, five actors and an entire crew in the set of Meeting The Fockers. De Niro once confessed to Vanity Fair: "I forgot the camera was there when I was kicking his sorry ass on the floor." Martin Scorses often recalls De Niro asking: "Why is this gun not shooting?" to which Scorsese replies: "Because it is not supposed to. This is just a scene. We can't kill people during a scene." De Niro's response is usually: "Are we filming a movie?" After the success of Goodfellas in 1990, directed by Martin Scorsese, De Niro was institutionalized for six months for believing he was a real mobster.

[edit] Acting Highlights

• Cock Hunter, in which he plays both the hunter and a COCK named DR.Cockstein. He is killed cheating a gay porno star named Johnny Cage.
• Taxi Driver, in which Mr. De Niro plays the slow and dim-witted Travis Bickle, beloved for his catchphrase "Hey you, get your damn hands off her." (As suggested by his mentor and son from the future Marty McFly).
• Raging Bull, in which De Niro plays the slow and dim-witted Jake LaMotta. Note the acting De Niro exhibits as he is punched in the face.
• The King of Comedy, in which De Niro plays the slow and dim-witted Rupert Pupkin, who is stalking Jerry Lewis' character in an effort to find out what the hell is so funny about Cedric The Entertainer.
• Cruising, in which Al Pacino plays an undercover detective infiltrating the gay underground. Oh my god I just shit my pants!!! For Pacino's brave portrayal, De Niro was nominated for an Academy Award.
• Cape Fear in which DeNiro plays a man so bat fuck insane and evil that he makes his other characters look like Dudley Do-Right.
• Casino in which De Niro plays Bert.[1]
• Badfellas, a film about the essence of fair play.
• Meet The Fockers, in which De Niro plays the slow and dim-witted character "Man Who Stars In Crap".
• Stardust in which De Niro dances in drag.

SEE ALSO Billy Crystal

[edit] Retirement

After a slow and dim-witted film career, Robert de Niro retired. He was later crowned king of Narnia and ruled until his death.

He's the best.

[edit] Salary

[edit] Trivia

One of the few people on the planet earth who can recite Shakespeare and fit a bowling ball Zak Bynx inside his foreskin whilst simultaneously lifting a pint glass with his left testicle.

Was arrested in Paris France in 1998 While filming Ronin for his role in funding an underground Midget (Little People) prostitution Ring.

Owns a Ford Fiesta

Turned down the Role of Rose in Titanic 1997

Is an avid reader of Wheres Wally?

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