Robert E. Lee

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A photograph of Robert E. Lee's magnificent comb-over (Robert E. Lee also pictured)

“Robert E. Lee should really consider shaving the top of his head completely, like me! ”

~ Martin Van Buren on Robert E. Lee

“The 'E' stands for 'Excellent'.”

~ Ulysses S. Grant on Robert E. Lee

“Sure, Lee can handle a gun... but can he handle ME?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Robert E. Lee

Robert E. Lee (1807-1870), or Winston Churchill as his club buddies called him, is a man of note in American history for his actions in the American Civil War, in which he fought for both sides. Widely regarded by modern historians as the first Asian-American military general, He had been able to deal with many important situations like The Beatle of Gettysburg and the Impeachment of Richard Nixon. He had the highest battle spirit of all the Confederate men, and had a large beard that he once lost a sandwich in.

Early Life[edit]

Robert E. Lee was born in some Confederate state of which no one remembers (The state sank in the ocean and came to rest next to Atlantis). When he was five years old, he had began to dream about growing a beard. He was fascinated by war. He began plotting ways to invade Peru and raid farms and steal their llamas. He was called into war when he was 22. He fought as a general in the War of Everett Milton III. This war had started because a dweebish student had not received a part in his school play. He and his army of math team members attacked and raided much of Georgia before Lee was called in. When he was, he had ended the war single handedly by pulling a one-handed lever labeled "END WAR".

The Secession of the South[edit]

As many know, the secession of the South was a major reason for the Civil War. The South seceded because of a man named John Brown. He had made attacks on slave-owners and had attacked Harper Lee's Ferry, a federal arsenal that was operated by a descendant of General Lee (Harper Lee). General Lee tried to prevent the attack on the ferry, but it failed. John Brown had received what he wanted - a strike against the South. Lee was angered by Brown and proposed that the south should secede. He meant that the people should pick up the South and move it somewhere else, but the government took it as "Leave the Union".

The Invention of the Rebell Yell[edit]

Robert E. Lee also created the rebell yell. In those days, there were no other means of communication on a battlefield besides shouting. Lee figured that if his army screamed and hollered loud enough, the Union would not be able to hear the orders of their generals. He was right, and because of this, the Confederacy won the first battle of the Civil War. A few cries recorded in the war were "Ok! Ok! Just don't shoot!", "Jumpin Jahosefat!", "Woo, woo woo.", or "God! I broke a nail!".

Lee and Gettysburg[edit]

When his army entered Gettysburg, he and a fellow general, General James Longstreet, took refuge in an old farmhouse. They picked that place because of their love of the smell of cowpies and pig's feet. While there, Lee said to Longstreet, " James, I don't think we can win this war." Longstreet said to him, "Just have hope. President Jefferson Davis has hope. I have hope. If Ronald Regan were here, he'd have hope too!" Around that time, the Confederates were winning. They pushed the Union back to a hill they surrounded. However, the Confederates were ordered to be defensive, and reinforcements came for the Union led by General John Reynolds. Reynolds was killed after entering the town due to a flying casserole dish thrown by an angry northerner who was trying to hit her husband. It turned out that Lee was too defensive, and they lost the war. The REAL story is that the Confederates won! For a small time, there was a Confederate States of America, along with the CBI (Confederate Bureau of Investigation). The reason why there are no Confederate States today was because of a deal between Lee, former president Martin Van Buren, and former president James K. Polk. So that Van Buren would get more votes the next time he ran for election, he wanted to bring the South back to the Union. James K. Polk wanted the South back in the Union so that he could buy all the Southern Comfort brand whiskey he wanted, so that he could get drunk at his parties. Lee agreed to surrender to the Union in exchange for muscle car magazines and a twenty year supply of pudding skins.

After the War[edit]

Lee has an officer keep watch to make sure Union General Ulysses S. Grant and his men don't copy off of him.

Lee had eventually resigned from the army and went about living a leisurely life. His descendant, Harper Lee, eventually helped save Harper Lee's Ferry from John Brown through her book, but annoyed schoolchildren everywhere with it as well. It was rumored that after the war, he had befriended Mr. Polk, began to like rhubarb pie and had a secret longing for Chuck Norris. Van Buren, after the war, had stolen money from Lee, and Lee was so enraged he vowed never to get involved with "political nonsense" again, except on Tuesday nights.

Legacy[edit]

After the war, Lee retired to a phat job as Chancellor-for-Life of the California State College system, in which his main activity was to stay in constant contact with his ex-staff officers and close friends as they created and maintained the legends which grew around him.

In recent years historians have uncovered a lot of evidence which demolishes the traditional picture fostered by generations of Robert E. Lee hagiographers. Far from being a paragon of moral rectitude, Lee favored language so vile that it shocked even the enlisted men. Many of Lee's most famous utterances have actually come down to us in an edited form, thanks to the efforts of his staff to protect his public image. For example, Lee actually hated T.J. Jackson's prudishness. At Bull Run he cried, "There stands Jackson like a schoolmistress with a ramrod shoved up her ass!" Fortunately for Jackson, he acquired his nickname from Captain Taylor's bowdlerization, "...like a stone wall."

On another occasion, Lee supposedly made the immortal observation, "It is well that war is so terrible, lest we should grow too fond of it." But that's not quite how he put it. The recently- discovered diaries of a staff major reveal that what Lee actually said was, "It is good that war, as much fun though it may be, is a total bag of shit in the long run; else we should grow too fond of it, and neglect the practice of fucking underage slaves of both sexes."

Even at Appomattox, where some of Lee's noblest expressions added to the romance of the Lost Cause, what he really said out of earshot of the press has only recently come to light. When Longstreet lamented that neither he nor his commander was ever again likely to hear the roar of an artillery barrage, Lee replied, "Yes, General, that is probably so, and I regret it as well. The booming of a cannonade is a wonderful thing, second in the pleasure it gives me only to the sound of a twenty hitting a whore's palm."

Lee's Creation of Texas Tim's Hot Sauce[edit]

Robert E. Lee had a passion for hot sauce ever since he was a small child. After the war, he had a lot of spare time on his hands, so he began to contemplate daily about a new hot sauce. His good friend, Timothy Shepard, visited him from Texas around the time he was contemplating. With him he brought a basket full of hot sauces. Lee studied the sauces like a nerd studies the Quadratic Theorem. He took several ingredients from different sauces and mixed them together. After the sauce fermented, he tasted it. It took three gallons of drinking water too cool his throat. It was apparent that he had made the world's spiciest hot sauce, and he then named it after his friend who helped him to achieve it.