Robert Rodriguez

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“I treat the production process of my films the same way I treat the burritos I buy from El Pollo Loco, my favorite restaurant; I add a little spice here and there, I trim some corners [because they're burnt], touch it up 'til it's perfect and I ingest the whole thing so that it becomes a part of my soul. Then, I unload a shit-bar mitzvah of diarrhea on the unsuspecting public and move onto my next meal.”

“When they choose to watch my film in the theatres, I want the audience to come out with the satisfaction of feeling like I just served them a big bowl of spicy chilli without the bloated feeling of having to take a shit that usually follows.”

Robert Rodriguez donning his typical attire


Robert Antonio Silva Nogueira Consuelo Razor Ramon Rocket Rogue Racer Rip Rodríguez IV (born June 20, 1968) is a Mexicano-Americano uno man film production crew. His involvement with the top secret experimentation in the Weapon X mutant enhancement program during his childhood in Mexico has rendered him a Class C mutant and a lifetime registered sex-offender. Among his mutant powers of unleashing shitty movies with low production costs in rapid succession, Rodriguez also has a wicked tongue, Senator. His prolific career as a filmmaker has given forth to the production of over 100 films, spanning a budget of a staggering $95.49 to date and garnering an estimated box office total of $99,000,000,000,000 worldwide.

The Early Years[edit]

Roberto Rodriguez (Ro-beer-too Road-ree-guise) aka "The Rebel Rhiannon Rogue Rocket Racer" was born in a small town outside of Mexico City. As soon as he was born he was given a hand shotgun from his father Rodrigo and told to kill the nearest drug lord in sight. He continued this life of violence until the age of 10 when he met Quentin Tarantino in a small mexican pub. QT bought a round of shots for the young Roberto and the two were instant friends. They gunned down the place and headed for Nashville, Tennessee where they would remain until the age of 24 to study the ancient art of Ninjew.

Young Roberto, Age 2

After these long 14 years of study, Roberto and QT decided to make a children's cartoon show based on their many adventures together called "QT and Me" with Roberto as the lead illustrator. After being shut down by all TV networks for containing to many "graphic images" and "nude scenes" the young Roberto went into a deep deppression.

"I was young and I had much to learn, the mother fuckers just don't understand art. I mean if a walrus wants to kill a penguin with a soldering iron while doing lines of cocaine I don't see what's wrong with that." -Roberto Rodriguez

Roberto and his pal Quentin then decided to head to Los Angeles in order to start a new life. They auditioned as voices on Sesame Street, Roberto for Kermit and Quentin for Oscar the Grouch. Tarantino nailed the audition, but Peter Coyote beat out Rodriguez for the voice of Kermit. Tarantino was shortly kicked off the show after saying "fuck" too many times on air and rejoined Rodriguez in his quest for fame.

Roberto moved back to Mexico where he felt he most belonged. He spent many years alone and experimented with many drugs before finally writing the screenplay for El Chingon (Spanish for "The Badass"). He called up his pal Quentin and they were back on track to glory.

He could not afford to fund a low budget horror movie featuring James Dean that he had been working on for years, and once he found out that James Dean was no longer living, he thought that his hopes and dreams were crushed. Quentin picked him up off his feet by referring him to a doctor named Doc Block. Roberto spent 5 years of his life testing drugs created by the maniac and eventually ended up killing the doctor in a furious rage set off by one of the drugs now commonly known as acid.

Claim to Fame[edit]

After making his hard earned money, Roberto went down to Mexico and shot El Chingon. The movie was intended for the Mexican porno industry, but he couldn't find the funds available to release it. After heavy editing and a change in title, Columbia Pictures released El Mariachi in 1991. The movie was an instant hit 4 years later, leaving Roberto with a well respected 42 dollars. He used this money to travel back to the United States and settle in Austin, working as a male stripper in a local bar.

The Cast of El Mariachi

He came across two adolescents, a boy and a girl, who were covered in blood and traumatized. They told him they had murdered all their relatives and were on the run from the law, a few crime lords, and a couple ex convicts. Roberto adopted them two days later. They told him all about their adventures and he felt he needed to share their experiences with the world. He took their stories and made three movies out of them: Spy Kids, Spy Kids 2: The Pedophiles Revenge, and Spy Kids 3-D: Yes it Really is in 3-D. The movies were never very popular but he considers them his greatest works. He made a respectable profit of 30 pesos and a used condom.

He settled down in Austin and one night woke up to find his loved one, Goldie, dead next to him in the bed. The cops showed up and wanted to frame him, but he proceeded to kill all of them by shooting off their ears and ripping their nuts out. He then went to a church to confess his sins, only to find he was set up yet again as Mexican assassins started shooting up the confession booth. He crawled out and scaled the walls of the church. After jumping out of an upper story window and landing in a pile of garbage bags, Quentin Tarantino showed up just in time to rescue him from the Mexican banditos. They rode off into the sunset on a gigantic burrito, along with Pedro Sanchez and were never heard from again.

Rebel Without a Jew[edit]

Strapped for cash after expunging almost his entire life savings of 7,000,000,000 pesos (the equivalent of a McDonald's value meal in the US) to shoot El Mariachi, Rodriguez was inspired by his good friend Quentin Tarantino's love of books beyond a fourth grade level and set off to create an autobiography that would top the NY Times Bestsellers List. Quickly realizing that his entire life up to that point had revolved solely around stealing churros and watching Spanish soap operas and B-films (sometimes at the same time), Rodriguez looked toward his muse in Quentin Tarantino for advice. Rodriguez soon after slept with a MILF hooker, contracted an STD, and took part in various laboratory experiments at an undisclosed Nevada military base. These experiences quickly formed the basis of his autobiography, initialy titled Rebel Without a Jew: Or How a 23-Year-Old Filmmaker With 7 Billion Pesos Became a Hollywood Cock Artist Who Contracted an STD From Some Slut and Now it Hurts When I Pee. Rodriguez felt the title might prove to be too long for anyone to give a shit once they glanced at his name on the cover and shortened it to simply Rebel Without a Jew: Or How a 23-Year-Old With 7 Billion Pesos Just Screwed Your Ass Out of $19.99 (MSRP).

The autobiography not only details Rodriguez's misguided endeavors in raising funds for his masterpiece film El Mariachi but also how he initially faced adversity as a poor, young, aspiring mexican filmmaker in marketing the film to Hollywood executives. Ricco-Suave-Mania had swept the nation, nearly eliminating the need for the English language or films in general, and producers continually shut the door on Rodriguez's dreams. Nearly eight months of unsuccessful pitches and film festival promotions led Rodriguez to market himself as something any affluent jewish Hollywood executive could appreciate -- a cheap, hard-laboring wetback. Within weeks he witnessed his window of opportunity as an influential cheap filmmaker open up as he not only obtained a distributor for El Mariachi in Columbia Pictures but also a multi-picture deal with the company. Rodriguez recalls experiencing great anxiety once he became a Hollywood player as he faced the daunting task of producing 5 films that looked big budget with only a $50 budget among them as per the stipulations of his contract.

Rebel Without a Jew has fared much better than Rodriguez's film endeavors which nearly bankrupt Columbia Pictures when scandal involving the butt-fuck love traingle liaison among himself, Quentin Tarantino and Harvey Weinstein garnered national media attention. According to Barnes & Noble sales figures, nearly 50,000 copies of the book have sold within a year after its debut, of which nearly 49,979 from that figure have been returned. With his distributor having almost no assets to promote his films, Rodriguez has once again relied on his creativity in cutting corners and has joined a band of mexican sword-swallowing buskers to promote his films to any and all interested bystanders.

Going "Mariachi-Style" (or Going "Pollo Loco")[edit]

Robert Rodriguez is notorious for employing an unconventional filmmaking style which he refers to as going "Mariachi-style," a term he coined from his debut 1995 autobiography Rebel Without a Jew ghost written by Quentin Tarantino. In the book, Rodriguez details how going "Mariachi-style" during the shooting of a film refers to his assumption of multiple roles in serving as his own one man "Speedy Gonzalez" twister tornado production crew:

It may be the last day of shooting and I'm like thirty scenes behind and my distributor, the fine execs at El Pollo Loco, needs this fucking film like really soon otherwise I'm going to be a Twice Grilled Burrito with a side of Pinto beans. So what I do is this: I put by bong down and set a flame under my ass and then I go into this mode where my eyes turn bloodshot red [mostly from smoking the weed] and I go completely loco kind of like the Incredible Hulk, not that shitty Ang Lee version but the one from the comics, or Stallone from Over the Top and I just fucking wing the rest of the production in a matter of minutes. I must admit, I do get some outside help involved. Nothing big really; a few of my friends from High School. They help keep the stingy budget down because it's practically free when you're working with a bunch of Mexicans. But in essence I go on an all night burrito binge, fire my spicy poop rocket on the nearest backyard and exercise my production roles as director, cinematographer, producer, assistant director, assistant producer, executive producer, stand-in, stuntman, actor, supporting actor, costume designer, props master, cock master, dialogue editor, color coordinator, eye coordinator, composer, sound editor, re-recording mixer, re-re-recording mixer, and occasional gastroenterologist. But you know what? Without those few people who help me, I couldn't do it all by myself. Props to whatever their names are.

Robert Rodriguez attributes his success as a filmmaker largely to the sense of security he brings to a project by maintaining production costs at an unbearably low level because of his mariachi-style mindset. Despite this, Rodriguez is not shy about voicing his concern regarding Hollywood's growing interest in hiring more mexican filmmakers like himself simply because they're the next form of cheap labor. "I hope I didn't just stereotype aspiring mexican filmmakers and fuck things up for all of us in Hollywood" Rodriguez jokes.

Flickography[edit]

  1. Bedbug (1986) nominated for a National Pest Management Association Award (NPMAA)
  2. QT and Me (1986)
  3. El Chingon (1990)
  4. El Mariachi (1991)
  5. From Dick to Daun (1996)
  6. Spy Kids (1998)
  7. Spy Kids 2: The Pedophile's Revenge (2000)
  8. Spy Kids 3-D: Yes it's Really in 3-D (2002)
  9. Sin City (2005) 99:1 split (in favor of Rodriguez) creative directorial collaboration with Frank Miller
  10. Shit Shitty (2005) 99:1 split (in favor of Miller) creative directorial collaboration with Frank Miller
  11. Grindhouse (Well The Tighter Half of it Anyways): Planet Terror (20XX)
  12. Spy Kids 4: Holy Shit Another One? (2008)
  13. Shorts: The Adventures of the Rainbow Wishing Rock (2009)
  14. Machette: Yes I Made a Fake Trailer in Grindhouse into a Whole Movie (2010)
  15. Predators: James Cameron did it with Aliens So Why the Fuck Not? (2010)
  16. Spy Kids 5-D: Suck on That, James Cameron (2011)

The Latter Years[edit]

After that, Roberto disappeared from the map for a while. Currently no one knows where he resides. He fell into history books as a myth and a legend. No one knows for sure if Roberto was real or not. There are many people who believe he is currently under the alias of Robert Rodriguez, a respected filmmaker from Texas, but it's mostly rumor. Who knows when Roberto Rodriguez will grace the earth with his prescence once again, or return to kill us all.


Filmmakers of the World
Epic Visionaries

Michelangelo Antonioni | Ingmar Bergman | Peter Bogdanovich | Robert Bresson | Charlie Chaplin | Coen Brothers | Francis Ford Coppola | Cecil B. De Mille | Clint Eastwood | Federico Fellini | John Ford | D.W. Griffith | Alfred Hitchcock | Abbas Kiarostami | Sergio Leone | Martin Scorsese | Steven Spielberg | Andrei Tarkovsky | Orson Welles | James Cameron | Akira Kurosawa

Not-So-Epic Visionaries

Michael Bay | Uwe Boll | Tim Burton | Ken Burns | John Carpenter | Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer | Mel Gibson | Tom Green | Catherine Hardwicke | Spike Lee | George Lucas | Dolph Lundgren | McG | Michael Moore | Leonard Nimoy | Guy Ritchie | George Romero | Joel Schumacher | M. Night Shyamalan | Alan Smithee | Oliver Stone | Billy Bob Thornton | Tommy Wiseau | John Woo | Ed Wood | Rob Zombie | Nicholas Webster | Roger Corman

Highly Respected in France

Woody Allen | Darren Aronofsky | Mel Brooks | Sofia Coppola | Jean-Luc Godard | Jim Jarmusch | Charlie Kaufman | Jerry Lewis | David Lynch | Rob Schneider | Lars von Trier

Highly Confusing in Japan

Milos Forman | Terry Gilliam | Akira Kurosawa | Russ Meyer | Quentin Tarantino

Highly Disturbing in Mexico

Guillermo del Toro | Jared Hess

Highly Racist in Suid-Afrika

Neill Blomkamp

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