Robert chiles

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
No Wikipedia.png
Wikipedia doesn't have a proper article about Robert chiles. It really wouldn't help those so-called experts by writing one either.

Robert Chiles is a seven-headed decapitation victim with the tail of a manx cat. He is known for his distinctive call-"RAWR!"-and his stench of human fetus. His blood is known to act as an antipope. Fortunantly, a magnetic repulsiom between him and the Vatican prevent ecclesiatical explosion.

In event of an attack bt Robert Chiles on your area of residence, you are in deep shit. Top Chiles experts (Or Wiggerologists) recommend you retreat to your moonbase, or, if a moonbase is not available, extra-dimensional lair. Robert Chiles is notably allergic to both the moon and dimensions, so you should be safe. If you lack such a lair, you shoul attempt to exploit the rabid liberalism and atheism of the Chiles: throwing conservative politicians and/or priests at it is an excellent distraction. While distracted, you should attempt to put as much distance as possible between you and Chiles. Remember, however, that he dwells in R'lyeh and can teleport there with a momnet's thought. Therefore, you should try to find somewhere equidistant from both Chiles and R'lyeh.

If you are unable to escape the Chiles, then you are royally buggered. If you wish to die in a blaze of glory, you'll need a sock and a half brick. Put the half brick in the sock, and attempt to beat the Chiles over his decapitated heads. If you are insanely luck-we're talking 1 in a couple of googols odds here-the Chiles will be momentarily stunned, giving you a chance to get in a few seconds before you die a painful death. If you fail, then you're in for what expert Wiggerologist Bruce Campbell calls "one hell of a OH GOD MY ORIFICES ARE BURNING LIKE A THOUSAND SUNS!". Yes, should the Chiles notice you, it will attempt to penetrate whatever orifices are availabe with its spiked schlong. Chiles's wang is sentient, possesing a brain all of its own, and is around Einstein's mental capacity. If you are female, you are in luck: the Chiles is higly mysogynistic, and wouldn't touch you with a ten-foot tentacle. However, he will simply bludgeon you to death. Once you are dead, his necrophilliac tendencies override his mysogyny, so you still end uo getting tentacle raped. In conclusion: Attack the Chiles, get raped by a spiked penis far smarter than you are.

Recently, Robert Chiles metamorphed into a ninja, after not taking his Ritalin for a month and then watching an all-night Japanese movie marathon. Seeing as Chiles is now capable of turning invisible and inflicting stabbity death with a pair of chopsticks, it is advised that you keep a can of ninja repellant (sold under the name "liquid samurai" in some states) with you at all times.