Robert Peston, née Robert von Himmler-Ribbentrop das Pesterton, is the business editor of UK BBC News and Satan's incarnate representation upon the mortal plane.
He achieved notoriety in 2007 when he single-handedly brought about the collapse of Northern Rock, a banking instution based in the North East of England founded upon the importation of Filipino sex lizards. After destroying Northern Rock, Robert Peston went on to induce the "Credit Crunch" and thereby initiate the end of the Anglo-Saxon capitalist experiment of the late 20th Century. It is currently believed that he did this in order to hasten the arrival of the Rapture, bringing forth the day of Judgement whence the forces of Satan shall battle the forces of God for the souls of all mankind.
Although commonly disguising himself as Doctor Who, the Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey, Peston is easily recognisied by his goats legs, long muscular tail, and small horns which emerge from the upper part of his forehead.
Creation and Early Life
Robert Peston was disgorged onto the mortal plane sometime in January 1945 in the network of Nazi bunkers running beneath Berlin, the capital city of Germany. Peston's exact birth-date is unknown as most of the records for births in Berlin during the fall of the Nazi regime were either lost of never created in the first place. As Peston's creation was part of a top-secret Nazi project, it is likely that all records of his birth were destroyed. What is known is that Peston was the unholy creation of notorious Nazi eugenicist Josef Mengele, the so-called "Angel of Death" famous for performing his highly amusing dance routines upon twins in the Jewish holiday camp Auschwitz-Butlins.
Mengele sought to ensure that the Nazi regime would have its revenge over the encroaching allied forces despite the allies' impending military success. To that end, Mengele combined the genomes of high-ranking Nazi officials Joachim von Ribbentrop and Heinrich Himmler inside the desecrated womb of a Polish peasant-virgin, whilst incanting the (now lost) lines of the Book of Satan.
The product, approved and demanded by Reich's Fuhrer Adolf Hitler himself, was Robert von Ribbentrop-Himmeler das Pesterton. As this creation was acknowledged by Mengele, Hitler and the remaining Nazi leadership to be the foretold Son of Satan, it was given not only the names of its gene-parents, but also the sobriquet "Das Pesterton", from the German "Pestos", meaning "Antichrist".
Peston's purpose was to destroy the civilization which the allied forces would errect in place of the vanquished Third Reich. It was planed that Peston would received lengthy training and Nazi indoctrination. However the Nazi scientists who brought him unto this realm underestimated the force they had unleashed. Within hours of being disgorged - that is, tearing his way from the virgin's womb by tooth and claw - Peston had grown to four times his birth-size by feeding upon the discarded excrement of Eva Braun, Hitler's newly-commissioned monkey butler. (Peston's coprophagy has been noted many times since, most especially by his later BBC colleagues). Having achieved an adequate size increase, Peston began assimilating the souls of high-ranking Nazi officials. Peston achieved this "soul-sucking" through the method he continues to practice today: breaking the back of his victim before sucking out the intestines through the anal cavity.
Having disposed of the main Nazi leaders - enriching himself upon their souls and growing stronger by the hour - Peston escaped from the Nazi bunker complex and began to roam the streets of war-torn Berlin. As the Soviet Red Army troops entered Berlin, it is believed that Peston was responsible for the rapes of over 10 million German women and children. Although the valiant forces of Comrade Stalin attempted to stop Peston's rape-rampage (the so-called "rape-age" he is now notorious for), they were powerful before this creature of the underworld.
As the Second World War drew to a close, Peston fled Berlin. It now appears that, lacking the Nazi indoctrination he was due to receive, he was confused about his purpose and unclear as to the meaning of his life. As an iron curtain descended across Europe - and the notorious liar Winston "Likes a Drink" Churchill blamed the Berlin rape-a-thon on Russian troops to cover-up the emergence of the Antichrist - Robert Peston went into hiding, possibly beneath the curtain covering Europe.
Years in the Wilderness and Possible Sightings
Between 1945 and 1986, Robert Peston entered what is now known as his "wilderness years".
Confused as to his purpose in this realm, Peston disappeared from prominence and little is known of his activities. Over the four decades before Peston re-emerged at the BBC there were a number of unconfirmed sightings of him. However, it is not known which (if any) of these sightings were of Peston or of unrelated lower-ranking demons working as sub-contractors to Prince Beelzebub, Chief Commissioner of the Communities and Local Government department in the Government of Hell.
China, 1954. Witnesses claimed to have seen Peston throwing millions of tonnes of wheat into the Pearl Delta, thus inducing famine across much of mainland China. Reports are mixed, however, as some say that Peston was working upon the orders of Chairman Meow, the well-respected feline demigod of the slitty-eyed peoples. Others, however, say that Meow and Peston were engaged in a decade-long struggle for supremacy, during which Peston attempted to starve Meow's adoring population of slit-eyes into revolt against their beloved leader. Neither version of history has been confirmed, though given the power of Peston and the continued survival of Chairman Meow, it seems unlikely that the two engaged in anything more than light-hearted banter of the sort performed by naked rugby players in Oxbridge college bars.
Cuba, 1962 It has often been said that Peston was largely responsible for the Cuban Missile Crisis which almost ended with the destruction of human life on planet Earth. Peston-enthusiasts frequently cite faded images taken of Cuban leader Fidelity Castrato and claim a shadowy, horned figure in the background is Peston. Sceptics have dismissed this, claiming that the figure is in fact Desmond Lynam, disgraced sports commentator and for-hire sex gimp. Nonetheless, modern experts increasingly lean to the conclusion that Peston was aiding Castrato. It is now believed that Peston was beginning to come to terms with his destiny as the destroyer of mankind, and was manipulating Castrato as his puppet to bring about the End of Days. Why Peston's plan failed is unknown. Some now believe that during crisis talks with John Fitzgerald Kennedy, the adolscent Peston became infatuated with the soon-to-be-dead President. There are unconfirmed reports that Peston agreed to call-off nuclear armageddon so-long as JFK let him dress up in a blonde wig, sing Happy Birthday Mr President and then be anally-ravaged by the flaxon-haired Bostonian. This version of events is unconfirmed.
Cambodia, c.1975-9 Many have claimed that, following his involvement with Chairman Meow, Peston continued to interfere with the affairs of the slitty-eyed peoples. It is alleged that he travalled to Cambodia after initiating an intimate relationship with Pol "Polly" Pot during a brief soujourn in Paris. Witnesses claim that Peston seduced "Polly" Pot by feeding him crackers and providing him with small, plastic-ringed mirrors with which the future Emperor of Cambodia admired himself. Travelling to Cambodia, it is believed that Peston set about enthusiastically returning the slitty-eyed peoples to the Year Zero, when society could begin again without the cancer of the bourgeoise classes. Peston's plans were - it is alleged - purposefully thwarted by Richard Nixon's carpet-bombing of Cambodia. Nixon wished to hide the truth as to why he ordered the bombing, believing the world would descend into panic and anarchy if it learned of Peston's existence. Consequently Nixon painted himself as a war-mongering blood-thirsty maniac, so as to continue the hidden war against Peston's forces of Satanic darkness. Although Nixon was victorious over Peston in Cambodia, the Antichrist is said to have had his revenge by framing Nixon as the perpetrator of the Watergate scandal, in reality orchastrated failed celebrity Noel Edmonds.
Career at the BBC
In 1984 Robert Peston began his career at the BBC. On the 13th June of that year the first officially confirmed sighting of Peston - who was now carrying identity papers omiting his Nazi birth-names - took place when he attended an interview for a reporting internship at BBC Broadcasting House. Although Peston was not initially offered the position, after the two more favoured candidates were found drowned in children's paddling pools in the backstreets of London's infamously deprived Richmond borough, Peston was given his chance at the BBC.
Peston's career began unpromisingly; his supervisor noted that he had few editorial talents and no natural aptitude for news reporting. He did, however, show unusual enthusiasm, often willing to stay long hours at the office, picking discarded staples from the carpet long after his co-workers had left. It is now believed that by 1984 Peston had, after his long years in the wilderness, come to terms with his destiny as the Destroyer of Worlds. Rising through the ranks of the BBC was, it is now known, merely part of his elaborate scheme to hasten the Final Judement.
Despite his poor start, Peston got his second big break during the mass rapes which swept London in 1985-6. The first London "rape-age" predominantly targetted men, hundreds of thousands of whom were left dependent upon colostomy bags for the rest of their lives after losing control of the anal muscles. Peston's breakthrough came when he revealed in a sensational exposé that the rape-rampage was being perpetrated by senior BBC staff, notably John Sergeant and Michael Burke. Following the imprisonment and summary execution of many of the BBC's editorial and directorial staff, Peston was quickly promoted through the ranks. However, it is now widely accepted that Peston himself single-handedly perpetrated the 1985-6 "rape-age", as a ploy to have senior staff removed so that he could gain greater control of the BBC.
From 1986 to the late 1990s, Peston's rise at the BBC was slowed by the heroic efforts of nature documentary producer David Attenborough. Whilst for years it was believed that Attenborough was nothing but a boring, upper-class old fart with a devious penchant for baboons, it has subsequently emerged that Attenborough was waging a secret internal war of resistance against the rise of Peston. Attenborough's band of freedom fighters slowed Peston's rise by jamming folded-out paper clips into the "Japanese Eyes" (penis openings) of Peston's staff and supporters. Efforts to stop the Prince of Darkness were also taken in the form of playing Morrisey records at loud volumes without pause throughout the working day. This tactic was adopted after a Peruvian llama informed Attenborough that Satan's forces could not function under when the work of an even more devious and despicable entity was present. The Llama was later punished by Peston, who infected the llama with the AIDs virus and before putting it in a box solely so that Peston could watch its slow death over a course of years.
Yet by December 1999 the Peston-Attenborough war was over. After disguising himself as a Christmas Badger, Peston lured Attenborough to a secluded corner of Broadcasting House which he had pre-prepared to look like a badger's set. Once Attenborough was inside the set, Peston raped him before sucking out his soul from the now ravaged and torn anal passage.
With Attenborough dead, his supporters were without direction and Peston quickly gained control of the BBC. On New Year's Eve 1999, at the dawn of the new millenium, it is now known that Peston initated the second London Rape Rampage, which this time targetted the under-14s of both sexes. Again, Peston was able to frame senior BBC colleagues - notably Peter Sissons and David Dimbleby - so as to acrue more internal power to himself. Keen not to attract attention to himself prematurely, Peston elected to appoint Greg "Hairy" Dyke as the Director-General of the BBC. It was agreed that "Hairy" Dyke would play the role of the BBC's director, whilst Peston would in truth control affairs from behind the scenes whilst pretending only to have powers in his capacity as the BBC's Business editor.
Filipino Sex Lizard Scandal
The Credit Crunch
Plans for the Future
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