Roberto Carlos Braga
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|Roberto Carlos Braga, the best thing that ever happened to Brazil.|
|Date of birth:||19 April 1941|
|Place of birth:||Cachoeiro de Itapemirim, Espirito Santo, Brazil|
|Known for||-Having only one leg|
|Spouse||Cleonice Rossi, 1968-79 (divorced)|
Myrian Rios, 1979-90 (divorced)
Maria Rita Simões, 1995-99 (her death)
|Children||Rafael Braga (illegitimate, born 1966?)|
Ana Paula Rossi (stepdaughter, 1966-2011)
Segundinho Braga (born 1969)
Luciana Braga (born 1971)
“SEX!!!! JESUS CHRIST!!!! MARIA RITA!!!!”
“Caution! Marrying Roberto Carlos can cause cancer!”
- The colors blue and white
- His dearly departed third wife, Maria Rita.
But, before all this, he was something of a manwhore. He probably has radioactive hands, and had a bunch of girlfriends, but nobody cares. So, let's just read on.
Early life and family
“Lady Laura! abrazame fuerte, Lady Laura! y cuentame un cuento, Lady Laura! un beso otra vez, Lady Laura!”
Roberto Carlos was born 19 April 1941, in a random little town, in a little house, on the top of a hill. And one day when he was six years old, being as stupid as any male, he somehow got in the way of an oncoming train, got ran over, and had his right leg chopped off. He has since then used a prosthesis, but nobody cares, really. (Can you believe he actually wanted to be an architect? But then his mom got him into the idea of music. And we will talk about her...in the next paragraph.)
His mom was called "Lady Laura" because her name was, you guessed it, Laura. Roberto Carlos loved his mom. He loved her so much, that he wrote a song about her. Naturally, it was called Lady Laura. Unfortunately, she died 17 April 2010, aged 96, two days before her son became...69. Worst. Birthday. Ever.
Nobody seems to care about his father. All we know is that his name was Robertino Braga (how redundant, but it's true), and he was born in 1896 and died in 1980. Roberto also made a song about him, it's called Meu querido, meu velho, meu amigo (My dear old man, my friend).
Believe it or not, Roberto Carlos has (or had) three older siblings: two redundantly named brothers, Lauro Roberto and Carlos Alberto; and a sister, Norma, whom he called Norminha. No one seems to know if any of them are still alive, but nobody cares.
He started out in 1959, aged....17 or 18, nobody gives a crap. Anyway, he did some really cool albums, but nobody remembers the name of them anymore. Some fairly awesome songs from those years included "Quero que vá tudo pro inferno" (I want everything to go to hell), which was in 1965, and it was about being lonely, and not caring about anything else, but just because of the word "inferno" (hell), he no longer does it live (as I said before, he has OCD). Another awesome song: "Ilegal, imoral, ou engorda" (Illegal, immoral, or fattening). This song is about....doing "stuff that I don't want to do" and eating "stuff that I'm not supposed to eat." Funny, isn't it?
Which brings us to...
Later career (and the resulting awful fashion sense)
“Over my head, the clouds are running on in the blue sky! While on the sad who are worn, life is so harder and people cry. Like the clouds, everybody here has gone astray, but he can show them how to better find the right way!”
Somewhere around 1970, Roberto Carlos got into religion, and stopped naming his albums (which he made once every year). Also, he started wearing clothes that were only blue, white, or some combination of the two colors. And to top it all off, he has lately taken to wearing stuff that is at least one size too big, and because it is either white or a white shade of blue, it makes him look like one of those hobos that just walked out of rehab. Nobody cares, really. But still, it's just really weird.
Most of his songs from the 1970s, onward, are about sex. For more details, read this page.
On the contrary, he also did a whole lot of religious music. The stickiest song: "Jesus Cristo" (1970). It was available in Portuguese, Spanish, English, and Italian. The English version ("Jesus Christ," 1971) is a grammatical failure. Curiously enough, ten years later, in 1981, he did a whole album in English, and it was grammatically correct. Weird.
“Sex, what do I need it for?”
Roberto Carlos has been married three times, but since two of them are dead, nobody cares about the third, which was actually the second.
Sometime in the 1960s, Roberto Carlos destroyed some woman's marriage to some other guy. She had a daughter who might be his, but nobody cares, so it was never confirmed. And, when he was 25, Roberto had a random girlfriend, Maria Lucila Torres, who gave him an illegitimate son. However, since she was only a random girlfriend, she never told him she carried his child. Well, he finally found out sometime in the 1990s, and he also found out that his ex-girlfriend was living rather miserably. So he helped her, but then she died of breast cancer.
In 1968, he married his first wife, Cleonice Rossi (known as "Nice"). She already had a two year old daughter from a previous marriage (I guess), but he adopted her, so nobody cares. Nice also gave him two children of his own, but in 1979, they got divorced. Then, in 1990, she, too, died of breast cancer.
In 1979, after divorcing his first wife, Roberto married his second wife, the actress and porn model Myrian Rios. This marriage, strangely enough, also lasted eleven years, but only the Portuguese Wikipedia and myheritage.com actually believe they were married. No children were produced of this union, and frankly there is nothing notable about her beyond the fact that she is the only one of his three wives to still be alive today.
In 1991, he got reunited with a young woman, twenty years younger than him, named Maria Rita Simões. Naturally, they fell in love, and, in 1995, they got married. Unfortunately, their happiness did not last long. Maria Rita died, 19 December 1999, aged 38...of cancer. I guess it made for a very unhappy Christmas, seeing as he no longer had anyone with whom to do things nobody cares about. The funny thing is, in the months before Maria Rita died, Roberto was known to say, "Faith can move mountains!" But when she died, he lost faith in God for approximately three seconds; then he came up with these inspiring words:
“Faith cannot move mountains, but it can help you walk around the mountain, or climb up one side so you can get down on the other side.”
On 16 April 2011, Ana Paula, his stepdaughter, died of a heart attack. She was 44 or 45. That was just really, really awkward, as it was three days before his 70th birthday.
His youngest daughter, Luciana, is one awkward chick. To illustrate, here is an awkward pic.
Did you know?
- In Brazil, a lot of people have the last name "Braga," but almost none of them are related.
- Evidently, not every brasileiro dreams of fat ladies, because if they did, Roberto Carlos would never have been born (his mom was tiny.)
- Roberto Carlos has recorded songs in five languages: Portuguese, Spanish, Italian, French, and English (in order of frequency). Nobody gives a crap.
- Although everyone can agree that Roberto's second wife is named Miriam Rios, nobody can agree on how to spell "Miriam." Other spellings: Mirian, Myrian, Myriam. Heck, some websites can't even agree on whether they were even married or not. But, for the sake of not getting confused, let's just pretend they were.
- Another thing: When Roberto was married with Mirian, he was insanely jealous with her. So when he found out that she had done some naked pictures, he bought the rights to them, so that other men wouldn't get any ideas. Unfortunately, if you go on Google Images and search "Miriam Rios," you're going to see those pictures.
- HowTo:Write incoherently
- Nobody cares
- Old people
- UnBooks:Sexually suggestive songs by Roberto Carlos
- A song for Maria Rita
- Another song for Maria Rita
- Could it be that everything I like is illegal, immoral, or fattening?
- Everyone is deaf...to the message of Jesus Christ
- I do not want everything to go to hell
- Roberto Carlos derping in Italian
- Roberto Carlos singing in English and making a derp of himself
- Roberto Carlos singing in English and not making a derp of himself
- Sex, sex, and more sex
- Sex with fat ladies
Some random pictures
Nobody cared about his first wife. Meh.
- Rafael Braga.jpg
His illegitimate son tried to follow in his footsteps, but nobody cared.
She died of a heart attack. Unfortunately, it's not hard to see why.
What is he doing DRESSED AS CHARLIE CHAPLIN???
- Roberto Carlos and Mirian Rios 1980.jpg
HAHAHAHA look at his chest hair. And Miriam looks strangely similar to Maria Rita....
- His real name is Roberto Carlos Braga, Segundo. Creative, isn't it?
- A phrase which here means, "Thank you very much" (perhaps not by accident, he is sometimes known as "the Brazilian Elvis").
- Aren't we glad she did?
- They had originally met in 1977, by the strange coincidence of Maria Rita being his stepdaughter's friend. But because of the age difference, and the fact that she was only sixteen at the time, Maria Rita's father did not approve.
- Apparently, wide age gaps run in the family. His own parents were 18 years apart.
- The Portuguese Wikipedia doesn't go into detail, simply saying she had cancer "in all of the organs." But then, who said you had to trust the Portuguese Wikipedia?