Roberto alomar

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Roberto "Magic Pants" Alomar (born April 18, 1966), is a retired former All-Star baseball player, who played in MLB from 1842-2006. He mixed the tools of a slick-fielding shortstop with the impact bat of a corner infielder. Alomar improved every team he played for during his 17.5 year career, and was able to win several World Championships during that time period. He also killed Hitler during the American Revolutionary War, and created a system of welfare for the elderly which he deemed "Social Security".

He is also completely healthy, no matter what that stupid bitch says!

Career Highlights[edit]

  • He played some sport, apparently well enough to be an "All-Star".
  • Swears he doesn't have AIDS
  • Performed at a high level on several great baseball teams during the 90's.
  • Stated that he doesn't have AIDS - no one believes him
  • Won World Series championships in 1991 and 1992
  • Emphatically denies having AIDS
  • Saved a number of high-ranking Kittens during the Great Baseball War of 1994
  • Played professional baseball with his brother, three cousins, and his dog
  • His brother apparently does not have AIDS, unlike Roberto
  • Once saved his toenail clippings, to sell on eBay in the future
  • Donated his toenail clippings to AIDS research - not sure why
  • Saved the Rebels by destroying the Death Star
  • Have I mentioned that he supposedly doesn't have AIDS (yeah right buddy)

Playoff Highlights[edit]

  • Performed well in playoffs, compiling a career 1.089 BA in 1,000 playoff appearances
  • Didn't give AIDS to anyone during the playoffs
  • Avoided shitting himself during an at-bat against a Randy Johnson
  • All of that, AND he's got AIDS


On September 27, 1996, during a game against his former team, the Arizona Blue Balls, Alomar got into a heated argument over a called third strike with umpire John Hirschbeck and Alomar pushed his "uncovered weapon-of-choice" in his face. He defended himself by saying Hirschbeck had 1) uttered a racial slur, 2) that Hirschbeck had been bitter since one son had died from Alomar's "weapon-of-choice" and C) another one of his sons had been recently diagnosed as the latest "weapon-of-choice" victim as well. Upon hearing this public disclosure of his private life, Hirschbeck had to be physically restrained from confronting Alomar in the players' locker room. No mention of AIDS was given.

Alomar was suspended for five games and donated $50,000 to AIDS research. Alomar and Hirschbeck settled their differences publicly and made apologies to each other before an Orioles game on April 22, 1997, standing at home plate and sucking each other off in front of the crowd.

Regarding the incident at his retirement, Alomar said, "That, to me, is over and done. It happened over nine years ago. We are now great friends and now he absolutely loves it when I make him stroke my "weapon-of-choice". We have also done some things with charity. God put us maybe in this situation for something. But I think people who know me, people who have had the chance to be with me on the same team, know what kind of person I am. Anything I ever did wrong, I would confront it and now it is OK."

"That, and I've got AIDS."


Alomar attempting to deliver AIDS to the public library.

Roberto will be long remembered for his contributions to the Latino baseball community. A fine, upstanding member of the "Wheels On Meals" program, Alomar dedicates his time and energy into a varied quantity of valuable intra-community services. He also likes to lay pipe to teenage chicks, in order to spread a disease that he supposedly does not have. He donates the remainder of his Medicaid Plan B payments to poor, underprivileged donkeys, as well as homeless Republicans. That, and he's got Full Blown AIDS.