Rock Wars of 2050

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“I remember when the war started. I was like, oh fuck.”

~ Jawnnyy Bravo

The Rock wars of 2050, or simply The Rock wars (often abbreviated as TRW2050 or RW2050) was a global rockin' N' Fucking Rollin' conflict that lasted throughout the year of 2050 and probably the most metal thing to ever happen yet.It involved rock bands originating from many different genres, such as Hard Rock, Soft Rock, all types of Metal, (Because fucking seriously, there's at least 60 different forms) Rock N' Roll, etc. The 3 major alliances were known as The Fathers of Rock, The Children of Rock and last but definitely least, Fucking shitty MTV (or MTV for short) The Wars were known as the most widespread conflict in the history of father earth, resulting in about a billion deaths, and over 90 trillion dollars in damaged guitars, drums, and microphones[1]. The wars are best known for events such as the "Rockocaust" and "Fucking Mick Jagger in the ass"[2].

The war is generally accepted to have started on January 8, 2050[3], The date of Elvis Presley's birth, when The King of Rock rose from his grave to express his anger over pussies such as Nickleback and Simple plan He visited Jimi Hendrix's grave, rising him too from the dead, and proceeded to systematically resurrect rock legends such as Jimmy Page, Ronnie Wood. They all bought really expensive guitars and invaded all the homes of the newer, more homosexual, band members belonging to modern rock bands. These members will later form was is known as the Children of Rock alliance. MTV allied with the Children of rock against the Fathers of Rock on January 20 the same year. MTV CEO Robert shittman made an announcement following his decision to ally with the Children of Rock, stating that:

“"[they] will not allow good music stop their business of airing shit on TV as it provides us with shitloads of cash lol many people, young and old, with new perspectives on life and help with important life decisions such as basing your new best friend off experience seen on a tv show that's as shitty as the music on here."”

~ Robert Clitman, CEO of MTV

The battle of Woodstock[edit]

The first battle of the war started on February 7, when Elvis had gathered his army, The Fathers of Rock, which consisted of Slash,Jimi Hendrix, Muddy Waters, Mick mars, Kurt Cobain, Rick Assley, and many other famous and talented guitarists and musicians, into the remains of the legendary[4] festival known as so much pot, LSD, and c-c-c-cocaine Woodcock. Mass depression in the psychedelic division of the army caused The Fathers to set up a temporary camp at the current remains of Wouldstock because of the significant role the psychedelik division played (This division made up 50% of the total Fathers of Rock army).

This is kinda what it looked like.

While they all told each other horror stories about not being able to find enough heroine in the country they were touring in, Heavy Metal guitarists Bob Dylan and Keith Richardz were sent as scouts to secure that their position wouldn't be given away.

They were sighted by enemy R&B drummers Lindsay Lohan and Lady Gaga. They managed to survive but were pinned in their current position high up in the mountains and had to call for help. They used their friendship bracelets issued by the Fathers of Rock advanced tech division, Which consisted of only Tom Morello (who was the only one who could use something more advanced than VHS) to call Slash, Mick Jagger and Buckethead for reinforcements. Slash was bitching about his hat not being black enough when he received this call. Years after the war, he recalls in an interview with The uncyclopedia very informed news association:

“I remember my hat totally not being the right color, man. And then they just called on me and wanted me to go fight or some shit.”

Bob Dylan and Hannah Montana remained in the trench they had erected, awaiting the arrival of reinforcements. When Slash, Mick Jagger and Fuck-itHead had arrived, they found Bob Dylan had taken a bullet wound to the Scrotum and Keith Richards had been seriously wounded but was still alive. Buckethead used the Standard issue rifle issued to his division while Slash and Mick Jagger carried the wounded Keith Richards back to base. Along the way, Slash and Rick jager witnessed a "life changing experience: "I remember, I was just like, carrying keith, you know, and then me and Slash just lock eyes, and we both know, you know, we both know the same thing. That thing, I mean, my brain just laid an egg, there, you know. Then, all of a sudden, me and slash are having glorious rough buttsex. It was beautiful."[5] This event is the famous event known as "Fucking Mick Jagger in the ass."

Some historians[6][7] argue that this event was the turning point for the war. Others think differently in saying that this event merely pushed the war forward, but this could have been avoided on slash's part.[8] as for the battle of woodstock, the fathers of rock had gloriously and valiantly fought to victory back at their base.

Operation G.L.A.M.[edit]

File:T Rex.jpg
The operation was carried by fearless and courageous soldiers, such as these.

Deciding that the battle of Woodstock was not enough of a blowjob to enemy forces, Bon Jovi came out of their makeup sessions and made a public statement claiming: "We didn't complain this time about the size of our dressing room. And also, we're wearing pink instead of light purple this time;does it make us look fat? Anyway, we like totally devised a plan." They had devised what is known as Operation: Gay L.A Metal bands or (Operation G.L.A.M for short). This plan involved only the Dudes dressed like chicks in a rock band 80's hair metal division that was comprised of Poison, Motley Crue, Cinderalla, T.Rex,Metallica and many other bands of the ilk. The plan was to capture the MTV headquarters in Fiji and use that to weaken enemy forces.

Upon the arrival in Fiji, there was an ambush set up The by Children of Rock alliance on the airfield the operation was supposed to commence in. This did not hinder the efforts of Operation G.L.A.M, but did significantly weaken them as the members of Twisted sister all died in combat. good riddance the members of Europe witnessed this firsthand while fighting alongside Twisted brother. They reflect back on the event:

“They were a bunch of pussies who played rock music on stage while wearing makeup. Who does that ANYWAY. Am I right? It's the finnnaaaall couunttddoooowwnnn-”

~ Robert Paulson, lead singer of Europe.

The operatives of operation G.L.A.M operated past the ambush, having defeated the fleets of [The Backstreet Boys] and [Prince] and pushed forward towards the MTV HQ. Intel provided by Paul townsbend indicated the position of said HQ to the 80's hair metal division, but upon arriving at the location, they found that the intel was not [correct]. The division was attacked from all sides by enemy MTV armies, and operation G.L.A.M was a failure. It is estimated that there was about 25,000 casualties in total, from both sides of the battle. Notable kills were performed by [Die antwoord] and [50 cent] who were rumored[9] to have wiped out entire enemy platoons.

“I felt like my laif was like a video game, y'know?”

~ Samurai, lead singer and dancer for Rape band, Die Antwoord.

And with this, Operation G.L.A.M came to an end, marking the first major failure on The Fathers of Rock side. This was a major turning point, as popularity shifted sides, some calling the Fathers of Rock "overrated" and "Their bassist isn't that good anyway".

Grunge Swarm[edit]

As Operation G.L.A.M. failed, one of the Fathers of Rock, Kurt Cobain assembled a massive army out of many of the Punks living in Camp Seattle. This became known as the Grunge Army. The Grunge army knew that MTV was the key to winning the war, so they picked up where the failed Operation G.L.A.M. left off. The one massive wave of The Grunge Army swept across Mt. Fiji, trampling some of the surviving G.L.A.M. bands in the way but everyone knew it was for the best. So as Grunge slaughtered everyone in the MTV HQ, and for once the Fathers of Rock were on the verge of victory and some of the trampled G.L.A.M. bands retreated and began planning a new attack. But like always, the children of Rock faggots pulled the dick out of there ass and fucked everything up. They hired Courtney love to Assassinate Kurt Cobain and the death of this leader. With the Grunge army left with no clear leader, they fell back. MTV was now open to grab and the Children of Rock took it back. But to make it useless they removed all of the Music and put some shows about teenage sluts.

Combatants[edit]

The Good One

The Fathers of Rock lead by Field MarshallElvis Presleyand GeneralJimi Hendrix(The Voodoo Division) helped by Lieutenant GeneralSlash(Guns N' Roses Division)

Muddy Waters

Commander Axl Rose

Overlord Duff McKagan

Colonel Mick Mars

Admiral Kurt Cobain (Nirvana Division)

Vice Admiral Rick Assley

Lieutenant Colonel James Hetfield (The Four Horsemen, Metalllica Division)

Air Marshall Izzy Stradlin (RAF stands for Rock Air Force)

Lieutenant Steve Harris (Iron Maiden Company)

Captain Dave Mustaine (Megadeth Company)

SGT Robert Paulson


...and many more to list


The Bad one a.k.a villain

Gay and son of rock

lead by Fuhrer

Justin Bieber, a dictator who like to lick people's ass and Penis

ReischLady Gaga

WankerLindsay Lohan

Sadomasochism Sadomasochism (S&M) Entertainment

See also[edit]

Rock wars of 2050: The alternative history version

Adolf Hitler

Ooh sweet bacon, you so tasty, you so sexy I just wanna eat you up

feminism:A history

References[edit]